The Bachelor Recap, Episode 1

Welcome back to Outkick's Bachelor Recap. We'll be reviewing this trainwreck on a weekly basis.

Let's start with our bachelor, Ben. This guy is so bland that he's not even vanilla. He's really attractive and looks like he has his act together, but he's SO boring. Looks only get you so far. If I make a joke that Johnny Manziel is currently going through his 2007 Brittney Spears phase, you better laugh, and I'm not sure Ben H. could do that. Luckily, it looks like this season's clown posse will carry him.

Let's see what these chicks bring to the table. 

Lauren B: My front runner. This chick is self-aware, and she's pretty.

Caila: SHE BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH A GUY ON TV. Not only can this chick not spell her name, but she needs some Adderall to pump the brakes on this hyper/happy level. I'm sure she means well, but I need her to chill.

Jennifer: Small business owner in Florida. She probably owns an "adults only store."

Jami: Brings up that she knows Kaitlyn, the girl who broke Ben's heart. This is why you don't go on this show at 23, because you're still socially awkward. I wasn't, but you are.  

Samantha: Finds out she passed the bar in the limo. Get drunk girl! Her dad had ALS, which breaks my heart, but I don't think that's going to be enough to carry her to the midway point.

Jubilee: War Veteran. Will kick your ass. Has collarbone tat.

Amanda: Our token baby mama who leaves her kids to find love on national TV. Relieved she has the same baby daddy for both of her daughters, seeing as she's only 25. She's cute but right out of the gate wins our award for most annoying voice.

Lace: This chick wore an actual lace dress, because of course she did.

Lauren R: Makes Texas look like a bunch of psychos for telling Ben she's stalked him on every social media platform for the last 2 months. Of course you did, because you're a female, but don't admit to it. EVER. (I don't social media stalk, because I don't want them looking up these mean OKTC articles.)

Shushanna: Doesn't speak English. Looks like a cheerlebrity going to prom.

Leah: Bends over in her nude sequin dress to hike a football. CC: Cleveland Browns.

JoJo: We will be friends in Dallas. She's going to be the one who sneaks in for the long haul. She's probably the only chick who could pull off wearing a unicorn head getting out of limo.

Lauren H: Brings the bouquet she caught at the last wedding she attended. She is not subtle.

Laura: From Louisville and tells Ben he can call her Red Velvet. Somewhere Rick Pitino is all, "I know a great little restaurant where you and I can go get some of that cake," allegedly. Ben probably said he likes Emma Stone.

Mandi: She is our drunk. She showed up with a flower on her head saying Ben could pollenate her later. Worst part? She's a DENTIST. This season's drunk is allowed to drill INTO YOUR MOUTH. Nobody likes a dentist, but I'm going to need Ben to keep her and her antics around.

The Twins: I'm begging Ben to send them home on different weeks. Need to see how quick twins will turn on each other and survive the elements alone. Besides, they're only here as a warm-up for Bachelor in Paradise.

Maegan: Brings a pony. Might have a penis.

Breanne: She's a nutritional therapist, which seems like not a real thing. This chick must go as a sacrifice for anyone who has ever posted #FitLife

Izzy: Who? She and her onesie line are white noise.

Rachel: Unemployed from Arkansas. You can't tell me she didn't take out a payday loan to buy herself that hover board, and that's a Coach Nutt guarantee.

Jessica: dooonn'ttt ccaaaarreeee.

Tiara: Her name is TIARA. What's worse than that? This: Tiara has a pet chicken named Sheila who sleeps with her every night. ALL OF THE GERMS.

Lauren "LB": Might be the skinniest girl to ever have the abbreviation for pound as a nickname. She'll be around for a while.

Jackie: She is basically Amy from the Big Bang Theory. She gives Ben a wedding invitation to their future wedding, complete with a wedding hashtag. Insufferable. 

Olivia: Really pretty and definitely going to be the villain. She is the queen manipulator, and none of y'all are going to beat her at her own game because she invented it.

Becca: Shreveport walks in like she owns the damn place, because she's been there before. She's like the Independence Bowl....you're psyched you get to go to a bowl game, but then realize it's in Shreveport. I like her, she's fine, and she'll go far. Whatever.

Amber: Funny thing about Amber... this is her 3rd Bachelor show, and I still don't remember her name.

All the girls are jealous of the twins, because of course they are.

Lace is drinking ALL of the wine and has already managed to piss everyone off before limos were even done. I like her. Not like I want to be friends with her, but like please continue to be a trainwreck.

Olivia tells Ben she left an incredible job to come on this show. She is on TV in the tri-cities market outside of Austin. Olivia is here for her own PR campaign. Worst case scenario she ends up in the Houston market, which on the plus side their set looks better than some network news outlets. She gets the first impression rose.

The girls are also jealous of Becca and Amber, the two returning girls. This is dumb. When has it ever worked out for someone who came back on another season who wasn't the Bachelor/Bachelorette? Use your brains Trinas.

Lace keeps stealing Ben away for alone time, she also keeps stealing all of the wine, which is why I would hate her if I were on the show. Ben did a phenomenal job explaining to her he wanted to get to know her first, instead of getting a "re-do" on the kiss she made him give her out of the limo. 

Ben says they're all out of his league and he knows it, but he hopes they don't figure it out. There's nothing more unattractive than a guy who has zero confidence. Figure it out, bro. The level of bummed these chicks are about not getting a first impression rose is why other countries hate America.

See Ya Never: Laura, Lauren R., Breanne, Jessica

Next week will be a day late because I'll be watching Nick Saban do Nick Saban things, unless Alabama does the unthinkable and doesn't win. Then I'll just be in a hole never coming out, which is coincidentally what some of these girls should be doing. Take notes ladies, I'm only here to help. You can follow along on twitter @MattieLouOKTC