The Bachelor Episode 7 Recap

By Cippy Wallace

Hello Brown Bears, this week’s episode was just as torturous as the last six have been except we all had hope that Nikki and Clare’s girl fight would not let us down. We have also arrived at that magical time each season where the girls begin to refer to the Bachelor as “their boyfriend,” kind of like the crazy girl in college who always thinks she’s dating whoever she went home with last night. To the Mississippi State fan who started watching this season after week 6’s recap, more cowbell for you sir. 

In other exciting news, Jason Fox, who was compared to Renee in our Bachelor guide, tweeted that he would like to be on the show. We sent him the link to our article, and he became super pumped for us to work on his campaign. Hopefully soon we can have an interview with Jason that portrays all of his Bachelor qualifications. Underlying message kids, you too can go to school and graduate with degrees in Finance and Computer Science and one day be an NFL player's Bachelor campaign manager. Shoot for the stars baby!

The themes for this week’s episode are WATER, water attire, water makeouts, growth, guilt, confusion, everything is still AMAZING, and Clare’s the worst. Let’s dive in…

The crew is in Miami this week where things have become more real now, as opposed to the “real, real” of last week, since Miami is JP’s hometown. The episode begins with the girls'/ABC's shameless plug of the Lowe’s hotel in Miami where they are staying in the PENTHOUSE SUITE, in case you didn’t get the memo. They are greeted by new clothes, also known as bathing suits, for their make out sessions for this episode.

JP arrives at his parent’s house to catch up with his family and greets his daughter by cat calling her over and then kissing her in the pool... I’m seeing a theme here. JP tells his cousin, who is in his 30s and sporting full braces, that Sharleen, the "OPRAH" singer, could be the one because she’s classy and he likes the big words she uses. Yes, because vocabulary is what I look for in a husband too. Sharleen is also the girl who doesn’t think she should still be there so this seems promising.

Juan-on-Juan date with Sharleen on a yacht in Miami:

The date card arrives at THE PENTHOUSE (ya know, in case you missed that) and Sharleen receives the first Juan-on-Juan of the episode where she performs her best Taylor Swift receiving an award impression we’ve seen thus far. In her little interview she says JP is “Juandiculously” sexy, and this is where I go and check that I have another bottle of wine. Also, she lets us know that if she doesn’t feel a connection on this date she’s going home. So you’re saying there’s a chance….that we won’t have to hear about your internal struggle anymore? Sold.

JP tells SharShar that they are spending the day on the yacht where we can finally see that she realizes how farfetched the concept of this show is and what a nimrod this guy is. She fails to convey her “excitement.”

They sit down, make out (that’s water location #9 for those of you counting along at home), Sharleen shares with him that she’s not feeling as tight this time…so somebody took their new bathing suit to JP’s pool last night. JK, maybe. JP tells her that he really wants to meet her family and she tells him she’s not sure if she’s ready for that since this has all moved at such a fast pace… because she expected the Bach to last 6-8 months?? Then this riveting two minutes of TV happened…

JP: I really like the words you use, the big words, so proper.

Sharleen: Oh yea, like what words?

JP: I don’t know, just the words you say, I just like the proper words (He points to his eye when he says “I”…you have no idea how much I wish I was kidding about this).

How does Sharleen handle this intellectual conversation? By telling us that sometimes she wishes she didn’t have to make choices….and/or that she was dumber so life could be more simple. Basically, she’s saying to Juan Pablo, you’re a dumb ass and I can’t carry on a conversation with you so I have to make out with you in the hopes that it will speed up this date. I’m convinced their level of chemistry is the same as a “couple” in the back room of Gallette’s on Friday night of a game weekend.

Back at THE PENTHOUSE Clare can’t figure out "what Sharleen is." Well Clare, Sharleen is a girl who doesn’t contract a UTI in an ocean on national TV on the fourth date. Chelsie can’t decide how Sharleen and JP have a relationship. It's okay Chelsie. America doesn’t understand how you are still here.

The date ends and Sharleen goes back to the house where she hits up our favorite counselor Renee for a clinical session about how she’s not feeling what she thinks she should be feeling. It’s like Groundhog Day, Bachelor edition.

The next Juan-on-Juan date is with Nikki. They go to his daughter's dance recital and to his “office,” the Marlins' ballpark.

Bringing your significant other to meet your parents and child is a big deal, really I get that. But Nikki shows up wearing shredded jean shorts and Show Me Your MuMu (not hating, I’m obsessed with it) which doesn’t exactly scream I’M YOUR GRANDKIDS' NEW STEP MOM at a dance recital in front of JP's BABY MAMA. Yes, his baby mama was there. Who is beautiful. 

JP introduces Nikki to his family in front of the entire recital audience and whispers who she is. His baby mama’s side eye is an example of what keeps Botox business booming. It is legendary. JP also tells us that the following day is Baby Mama’s bday prompting Nikki to awkwardly mumble a happy birthday.

This is already horribly uncomfortable, and then Nikki tells Camila she tastes like Cheetos. Yes, Cheetos. To sum up this part of the date on JP's 2nd grade level….He felt great, She felt great, his family felt great, Camila’s mom felt great, EVERYONE. FELT. GREAT. Got it. Great is the new amazing.

After the GREAT experience at Camila's recital, Nikki and JP visit the Miami Marlins' baseball park and drive right onto the field. Nikki defies gravity and let’s us know just how capable she is of trusting something….in this case her boob tape. I’m pretty sure she would’ve had more cloth on her body if she was wearing a bikini. They make out and we get to see Nikki’s large bird tat on the side of her body for the second time in one episode. Lucky us.

Meanwhile back at the house….

Our favorite Panda Bear has decided that she needs to go home. Clare seems pleased by this news, because of course she is. Renee marks one off of her patient list, and everyone else pretends to be sad. The fun part comes when Panda Bear goes to tell JP that she’s going home…she does this in a whisper…that requires subtitles. Here are the highlights…..

Sharleen: I’m surprised by how sad I am.

JP: The only thing I’m pissed about is that you did not sing more for me.

JP: "If you would not have come here, I would not meet you.” WORD. FOR. WORD.

JP: “I RATHER not being APPRECIATE it and being HONEST, than being appreciate it, NOT being HONEST.”  This was one of his actual tweets.

Toodles Panda, your metaphors will be missed.

Group Date Time with Renee, Andi, Chelsie, and Clare. They are playing on a private island.

Chelsie brings flashcards that her parents wrote her and reminds us all that she is a teacher and that her love life must also be color coded and double spaced. She tells us yet again that her mom is her best friend and she’ll do anything she says… no attachment issues to see here guys. JP says her parents seem cool. And that’s it. They make out.

Andi and JP decide to talk by the beach where she tells him that she has a fear of failing at this….or becoming the next Bachelorette is what she really means. And she’s scared of putting this all out there for her family in her home town next weekend, which she will be doing because she gets the group date rose. They kiss in the sand and JP tells her that “if we kiss in the sand it will taste like sand.” 

Clare makes out with JP and bitches about Nikki and Andi getting a rose. Nothing new here. Water makeout #10.

Renee and JP talk and make out and we all wonder how and why she is still settling for this.

Renee, Clare, and Chelsie are all sent back to the house while Andi gets to continue the date because she got the rose. 

Clare doesn’t seem to understand how Andi got a rose. She says that when she doesn’t get a rose it makes her wonder “what the F is she doing there.” America wonders this every season, but we are grateful for girls like Clare out there who do it. Then comes Nikki with one of my favorite quotes of the season….

“Clare is like a dog, she’s all I peed on him first, he’s my territory.”

Thank you for this, Nikki. Then Clare and Nikki blow up, providing insight into how I’m assuming hookers fight.

Clare: I want to know who was talking sh** (said approximately 45 times in 2 min)

Nikki: Nobody was, but I just didn’t have anything to add and I felt like that’s where this was going and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

Clare: NOBODY WAS TALKING SH** NIKKI

Nikki: Okay Clare, you can excuse yourself from my room now

Clare: Um your room…did you pay for it??

Nikki: Um did you sleep here?

Clare: but did you pay for it?

Nikki: No, but I slept here

Clare: Well I didn’t pay for it either so therefore it is open space for everyone. You’re a piece of work Nikki.

Nikki: and you’re f**king crazy Clare. 

America rejoices. 

Rose Ceremony

Bandage dresses for everyone but teacher Chelsie at tonight’s rose ceremony.  

Renee: The master of the smile and nod and take in all of these looney toons. She gets a rose, as she should. Still hoping she runs for the hills next week.

Chelsie doesn’t get a rose, probably because she didn’t get the rainbow colored bondage dress memo and tells us in the limo that she just wants her partner in crime. Then she pulls up her dress and adjusts her boobs. Schools out for summer kids!

Andi already has a rose and bonds with Nikki where I’m pretty sure they plot for her to be the next Bachelorette and Nikki to win this thing. 

Nikki: Is Nikki my favorite? Yes. Does Nikki keep referring to JP as her boyfriend and does this make me cringe? Yes. Nikki spends her time gloating that she basically knows she’s getting a rose, because duh. She also says she doesn’t want to sit around any longer with Crazy Clare and that she hopes Clare goes home or else JP is going to have to meet her entire crazy family because she didn’t get this crazy all on her own. Wise words girlfriend.

Clare: Ugh, I wish I was done typing about this nut job forever. She gets a rose and tells JP that all FIVE of her sisters would “totally throw her under a bus.” Unfortunately she seems to be referring to a figurative bus instead of the actual one America is hoping for. Everything about this girl is miserable, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t kind of intrigued to see where she comes from next week.

Next Week

Every girl cries. LOLz. Then I do when it's announced that there will be two shows in one week.