The level of immaturity this year is just impressive. Thank you ABC for having a 26 year old Bachelor. Have we ever had a season with this many tears this early, or with so many girls claiming to “be in a relationship with Ben” so soon? It’s spectacular. This week the girls hate on Olivia even more. (I’m on Team O-Zone. Judge me, h8erzzz.) This chick gets THAT SHE’S IN A COMPETITION, AND SHE’S SO DAMN GOOD AT IT.
Flight Attendant Goes Flying
This week’s first one-on-one date is with Lauren B. She’s in like a 5 star recruit who gets a visit from the bagman on signing day. Just how uncreative is Ben? Let’s take the flight attendant on a date flying in a plane. In one of the more blatant screw yous, they fly over the Bachelor Mansion in front of all the girls in their little bi-plane. Ben talks about how great Lauren is making this date, even though he literally cannot hear a word she is saying. LOVE, you guys….L-O-V-E.
Nothing says romance like a jacuzzi in a pasture! Lauren B. tells Ben she really wants to get her pilot’s license, but first she’s going to suck his face full of stubble. After this they move to dinner, where they don’t eat a single bite, and discuss how much they love their dads. This is great, I love my dad, but I’m not going to discuss him for an entire first date. Lauren B. tells us she likes “the simple things.” Yes the simple things, and a big fat Neil Lane diamond. What a down-to-earth girl!
Back at the house Caila is having a classic 1pm meltdown. Nobody is more excited about this than the ex-boyfriend she broke up with to come on this show. Does he feel like he dodged the biggest bullet? YES. Jubilee the war veteran is the next to cry over a boy she’s known for three days. Rachel, 23 and unemployed from Arkansas also wants to know why she hasn’t been on a date…..see age, occupation, hometown…for starters. Amber also wants us to know how much she wants Ben –even though this summer it was Justin, then Dan, and originally Chris, but you know what they say? Fourth time’s the charm, girl.
The group date includes Olivia, Amber, Rachel, Becca, the twins, Lauren H. and the rest of them are irrelevant. They’re playing soccer. The girls act like they’ve never played, think it’s cute, fake injuries, get overly competitive, and Ben thinks this is the most intense thing he’s ever seen. Classic Bachelor.
The cocktail party is only for the winners of the soccer game, and Olivia gets alone time first. Ben and O-zone go to the balcony and wave down to the other girls like, “hello peasants, what’s it like to be sitting by yourself?” Lace just might have a breakdown at this point. The rest of the girls are so jealous of Olivia, they’re now making fun of her TOES. She’s in your heads, ladies.
Jubilee is now whining for a one-on-one. She gets it, then asks if anyone else wants her date and calls out Ben for being late. I wanted to be all aboard team Jubs, but I can’t. The girl who went TO WAR FOR OUR COUNTRY has a fear of flying. America!! Jubilee’s family died, she’s got insecurities, and this is a little too heavy for the Bachelor. Is it over yet? She manages to sneak in an unlovable, which is impressive. Everyone is SHOCKED that Jubilee is still here after this date, but no way the biggest wuss in Bachelor history has the balls to send home a war veteran on a one-on-one date.
Cocktail Party Time
Everyone keeps saying Jubilee is acting like she’s queen bee. SHE HAS A CHEST TAT. Bow down or she will kick your ass. I’ll say this–Jubilee doesn’t do anything to help her unfriendly vibe. Planning a massage when you already have a rose is definitely not helping.
Here’s the deal, if you think that they didn’t edit out whatever comforting words Olivia said during her conversation with Ben? Please. Also, do you know how AWFUL it must be to have cankles? Girl, I get it.
Amanda is super sweet, but good grief that mousy voice. Amber’s angry. Lace is crying. She rambles a bunch of stuff and then QUOTES HER OWN TATTOO! Only a chick named Lace could have this tat & use it to rationalize behavior. You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself. While probably an accurate statement, SHE PAID AMERICAN DOLLARS TO HAVE THAT PERMANENTLY INSCRIBED ON HER BODY.
See Ya Never: Lace sends herself home, which is definitely “I’m breaking up with you before you break up with me,” our Russian flower Shushonna, and Jami, who is blindsided for some reason.
After The Rose: Listen, I had zero intentions of watching this. Then the boy texts me that “Lace seems really normal right now.” Which, sadly, was correct. We then argued about if being a girl giraffe was a bad thing (she’s 5’10). Apparently everyone wants this disaster on Bachelor in Paradise, because “she’s learned a lot about herself.”
Live tweets are back next week @MattieLouOKTC as the clown show attempts to find love in Vegas. Ask Todd Fuhrman the success rate on that. Good Luck.