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The red carpet was more entertaining than last night’s Oscars. There was just zero suspense when it came to all six major award winners — at least if you paid attention to the offshore Oscar odds at all — and there wasn’t very much entertainment either. I like Doogie Howser, but you need someone who doesn’t fear all the celebrities. Seth McFarlane pissed off everyone a couple of years ago, but he was a live wire. You had no idea what might happen from one moment to the next. I want celebrities to be pissed when the Oscars is over. Otherwise you just have a bunch of hugs and air kisses. We need Tina Fey and Amy Pohler. Or what about Chelsea Handler? Tell me she wouldn’t napalm the entire room. With Doogie you got a really belabored joke about his predictions being under lock and key that didn’t pay off. Oh, and he wore his underwear on stage.
This year’s Oscars also seemed to lack major star appeal. There were no single name all stars on the red carpet. No Dicaprio or Denzel or Clooney or Pitt or Angelina or stars that popped like that. It was all lesser lights.
Last year we did the CMA’s, I’d love to do the red carpet for the Oscars sometime and see whether these people look as spectacular up close as they do on television. Sometimes the make up is done in a way that it pops on television, but if you’re sitting next to someone it’s too much. Is it that way at the Oscars?
Outkick needs to do the red carpet.
Anyway, given how prohibitive all the favorites were this was like watching a weekend of FBS vs. FCS football. Sure, you might get an upset, but it’s much more likely that every game ends up a blowout. And this year everything was a blowout.
Here’s a Starting 11 from watching the Oscars last night.
1. Is Margot Robbie the hottest famous woman alive right now?
I think so. I’m definitely going to that new Will Smith movie just because she’s in it. And two of her scenes from “The Wolf of Wall Street,” were simply incredible. If Dicaprio picks you to play the smoking hot wife in one of his movies, you’re probably incredible in all respects.
What are the odds that Dicaprio and Margot Robbie slept together? 100%, right? How much extra would you pay to see the famous people that everyone has slept with above their heads as they walked down the red carpet? I’d pay $100 for this, easy. Can you imagine Clooney’s list? What about the random upsets? Like what if Dicaprio and Meryl Streep slept together when Dicaprio was 18? This should be why someone like Danny Devito comes to the Oscars. Just so you can exclaim, “Danny Devito fucked Sharon Stone?!” when her name bobbed above his head.
Anyway, Robbie doesn’t even look real on the red carpet. Maybe it’s just the fact that she’s relatively new — I mean, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Aniston still look incredible and they’re both well over forty now — but she takes the crown for the hottest woman in Hollywood right now.
2. I pronounce Adam Levine the best looking man at the Oscars.
My wife says it’s Bradley Cooper. So halfway through the Oscars we get into an argument about who is hotter, Levine or Cooper. See, I don’t think Bradley Cooper is THAT hot. I mean, he’s no Clooney or Pitt or Denzel. I don’t think you’d walk into a bar and think Cooper’s by far the best looking guy there. He’s just a good looking frat guy. My wife disagrees. “He’s the best looking famous man in America,” she says. Then she argues that her opinion should count more than mine because she’s a woman. Which is total crap.
Then she plays her trump card.
“I know I’m right, just Beat It.” (This is how my four year old, who is a huge Michael Jackson fan, ends all arguments now. There is no response to this, she wins.)
3. Why are English actors so much better than American actors?
There are only 52 million people who live in England. That’s sixteen percent of the American population, roughly California combined with Illinois. So how is it that they dominate acting so completely? I think it’s the accent. I think American casting agents give English actors an artificial bump because their accents seem more regal. So they get more roles than their talents would otherwise justify. That’s the only explanation I can think of.
It’s bad enough that English actors dominated at this year’s Oscars, but they also ended up playing two of our most iconic American roles this year. We had David Oyelowo playing Martin Luther King — there wasn’t a single black actor in America who could have pulled off playing MLK? Not one? — and Sienna Miller played Chris Kyle’s wife — again, no good looking white woman could have managed this iconic American role. Not one?
A couple of years ago we even had Daniel Day-Lewis playing Abraham Lincoln. We can’t even find an American to play our most famous role in history. The way things are going Ricky Gervais is going to play George Washington in a biopic. Over two hundred years after we kicked their ass the Brits are reversing the outcome of the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812 one movie at a time.
4. I’ve only seen two nominated movies this year — “American Sniper” and “Gone Girl.”
This is what happens once you have young kids, your movie days disappear. You don’t believe me, but just wait. I saw every movie before I had kids. Now the only time I see movies is when I’m on the road.
I watched “Gone Girl” in Los Angles on a fall Friday. We had a college football show taping scheduled too — me, Joel Klatt, and Coach Wannstedt to talk about the Arizona-Oregon Thursday night outcome. I read “Gone Girl” and I can walk up to an LA movie theater from my hotel so I went in the middle of the afternoon. I figure, what better way to spend an LA afternoon than looking at Ben Affleck’s penis? (There’s probably ten thousand girls in LA who spent their afternoons this exact way from 1998 to 2008).
So it turns out “Gone Girl,” is like a three hour movie when you add the commercials on the front side of the movie. I had no idea how long the movie was, I figured it would be two hours and fifteen minutes at the most and I’d have plenty of time to make the taping. So the movie’s gripping — poor Doogie Howser — and the ending is quite a bit different from the book and I get totally lost in the gripping movie and have no idea what time it is. The moment it’s over I turn on my phone and see several missed texts and phone calls. Turns out that I’ve missed my taping.
I walk back to the studio and Zeus, one of our producers, says, “Coach is really upset with you. You’re going to have to apologize to him.”
So I track down Dave Wannstedt — feeling like a Miami Hurricanes player back in the late 1980’s — and I tell him, “Coach, I’m sorry I missed the taping. I was in “Gone Girl.”
Wannstedt: “Gone Girl?”
me: “It’s a movie. It was longer than I thought it would be.”
Wannstedt, “Coach, (Wannstedt calls everyone coach), that’s a disgrace.”
I don’t think Wannstedt has seen a movie since 1988.
(Note: he wasn’t actually that upset.)
5. How much of a power move is it for a single man to bring his mom to the Oscars?
You’re already one of the most desirable men in the world if you’re single, an actor, and at the Oscars. And then you bring your mom? This is the Leonardo Dicaprio special. He’s got a million models who would fight to the death “Hunger Games” style to be his Oscar date and instead he brings his mom, which makes the models want to be his date that much more.
It’s pure genius.
So of course Bradley Cooper brings his mom to the Oscars.
You can hear a hundred million single women in this country all saying, “Bradley Cooper is so hot and he brought his mom to the Oscars? What a guy.”
6. “It takes a lot of balls to wear a dress like that.”
This is Doogie Howser’s best joke of the night.
It’s said in relation to one of the random people who wins an award and has balls all over his dress.
Look, I know the goal is not to offend anyone now — God forbid anyone ever be offended by something on TV — but most people don’t like musicals. I, for one, hate musicals. Every time someone starts to sing in a play I want to stand up and scream, “Just talk, you assholes!”
So can we go back to a comedian hosting next year, please?
7. Patricia Arquette comes out in favor of equal pay in the most Hollywood move of all.
I hate when people passionately embrace things that everyone is in favor of in an effort to make themselves look better. It’s not just Hollywood liberals that do this, Fox News has made billions off of supporting the troops more than you do. I’m pretty convinced you could win the Republican nomination in 2016 with three steps on your platform: 1. electrify a fence between here and Mexico 2. support the troops 3. tax cuts.
Anyway, did you see Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez lose it over Patricia Arquette’s equal pay comments? Are JLo and Meryl Streep missing paychecks?Women are all pro-women now anytime they win an award. Can I start being pro-men? For instance, if I won an award could I stand up on the stage and be like, “It’s about time men start getting some respect around this town.” Would Hollywood totally lose is it if I won a best actor award and said, “So good to see someone finally rewarding the struggles of a college-educated white man.”
8. How many ripped, good looking white guys are there between the ages of 25 and 35 in Hollywood right now?
I can’t even distinguish all these guys coming out to give awards. The Captain America guy and the Guardians of the Galaxy Guy. I know Channing Tatum but only because of his disastrous decision to grow a goatee. (This is the worst goatee since mine in tenth grade.)
All of these guys play superheroes in movies and that’s the only time you ever see them. They’re all ripped and really good looking, but none of them do anything else.
Is there a gym in Hollywood where all the would-be superheroes show up and get ripped every day? There has to be, right? It’s probably the Equinox by my hotel. I’m going to wallk into the steam room and they’re all going to be naked planking.
9. Common’s real name is Lonnie Lynn, Jr. and John Legend’s real name is John Roger Stephens.
I’m giving Common a pass because that’s a stage name. No one actually thought his name was Common. (How incredible was his Oscar speech by the way, he just killed it). Does Common ever make it as a rapper if he’s rapping as Lonnie Lynn, Jr? I doubt it, right?
But how about John Legend changing his last name from Stephens and no one even realizing he’d done it until he won an Oscar? Everyone rips LeBron James for embracing the nickname King James, but what about John Legend giving himself the last name Legend? How much of an ego play is that? What if I just announced that from now on I was going by the name Clay Hero?
10. How creepy is John Travolta?
Last year he totally garbled Idina Menzel’s name. So they gave him redemption this year, which was pretty funny. (It would have been funnier if Doogie hadn’t stepped on the joke first). Travolta had an opportunity to cleanse the entire story, laugh at himself, and end it once and for all. Instead he comes out on stage and uncomfortably caresses Menzel’s face for way too long.
Come on Travolta!
Quentin Tarantino is going to have to write a whole new movie just to rescue your career all over again.
11. Lady Gaga just crushes “The Sound of Music,” exactly like you expected she would.
This was the highlight of the Oscars. Lady Gaga dominating “The Sound of Music” in a long flowing white dress.
She was incredible.
My wife had fallen asleep by this point — the Oscars went like 45 minutes too long — and I wanted to wake her up. But then I was thinking, she’s going to think this is a dream. There’s no way you get woken up and the first thing you hear is, “You gotta watch Lady Gaga singing “The Sound of Music.”