Uncle Verne is back!
It’s been over nine months since Uncle Verne, Gary Danielson, and Tracy Wolfson signed off from the SEC title game back in December of 2012.
Now they triumphantly return for the debut of the SEC on CBS. (By the way, the fact that CBS holds up broadcasting SEC football games for the US Open is proof that CBS still thinks it’s 1984 out there. The US Open over South Carolina at Georgia?!)
Our drinking games have become insanely popular over the past couple of years, frequently trending nationwide during the SEC game of the week. We all use the hashtag #cbsdrink so even if you happen to be alone you can hang out with all your Internet friends and not be drinking by yourself.
1. Each time Uncle Verne gets a player name wrong or mistakenly calls it a fumble when there is no fumble or an interception for a completed pass, drink.
This is probably enough to get you drunk.
Uncle Verne is not known for his gameday precision. It’s why we love him.
2. When Gary Danielson telestrates a mistaken read by AJ McCarron or Johnny Manziel, drink.
Danielson is undefeated in his quarterback tape analysis.
3. If Uncle Verne utters a simple, “Oh. My,” drink.
If he completes the phrase with, “Oh. My. Goodness,” do a shot.
If he says, “Oh. My. Goodness,” while Katherine Webb is on screen #cbsdrink is over.
4. Each time the Texas A&M yell leaders are shown, drink.
If the cameras capture Reveille on camera and Uncle Verne attempts to analyze what the dog is thinking — as he often does — drink until the count of 12, to honor the 12th man.
5. Whenever the phrase, “Johnny Cam,” is used, drink.
If the Johnny Cam is in use while CBS runs through Manziel’s off-field incidents, do a shot.
6. When Johnny Manziel does a hand gesture, drink.
If the camera returns to Verne and Gary and either man illustrates the hand gesture in the booth, do a shot.
7. If the Johnny Cam catches Johnny giving out his phone number to a coed, drink.
If the “coed” is actually AJ McCarron’s mom, finish your drink.
8. If you’re watching with a Tennessee fan and he’s like, “Come on, man, just check the UT-Oregon score.”
Kindly respond, “Oregon’s still kicking the s— out of you. Just keep drinking.”
9. Each time a highlight from last year’s game is shown, drink.
If it’s Manziel fumbling the pass and throwing a touchdown, you must all drink while standing on one foot.
10. When Tracy Wolfson interviews Nick Saban and he directly addresses the camera while staring deep within your soul, drink.
When Tracy says, “Coooach,” drink anew.
11. If Kliff Kingsbury is mentioned, put on sunglasses.
FYI, CBS was going to have a Kliff cam, but Kingsbury is clearly watching this game from a jacuzzi and they didn’t want to electrocute him and cause a million women — including your wife and my wife — to kill themselves in sorrow.
12. When Verne Lundquist chortles, drink.
If you don’t know what a Verne chortle is, here’s a tutorial.
13. When Verne says, “Ha Ha Clinton-Dix,” drink.
When Verne says, “Clinton-Dix Ha Ha,” the next time, drink anew.
This goes for any hyphenated name, by the way. Ricky Seals-Jones is defniitely going to be Seals Ricky-Jones.
14. Whenever a hot Alabama or A&M coed is shown on the television screen, drink.
If you’re unsure whether the coed should be considered hot or not, you are all to apply “the old man at the tailgate” standard of hotness.
So, yeah, you’re drinking.
You guys can make additions in the comments below and I will add three more rules by kickoff.
Come Saturday we’ll all be hanging out on Twitter at the #cbsdrink hashtag.