Last night news broke on Twitter that Les Miles had received a five year, $27.5 million dollar offer to become the head coach of Arkansas.
This made Miles the latest coach, following Pete Carroll, Mike Gundy, Gary Patterson, Charlie Strong, and James Franklin to become the favorite to receive the Arkansas coaching job.
Really, those are the names that Arkansas fans have floated.
When stories like Les Miles to Arkansas break, I’m not going to lie, my first thought is that the entire universe is conspiring to make me rich at OKTC.
Because the complete absurdity of the story is a comedy pyramid.
Let’s dive in to discuss my 13 favorite things about the idea of Les Miles to Arkansas.
1. What if LSU called Miles’ bluff and hired Bobby Petrino for half the price while doubling John Chavis’s salary?
LSU could actually save money on this transaction.
Can you imagine the tandem of John Chavis on defense and Bobby Petrino on offense?
They would kill other teams.
2. How mad would Arkansas fans be with hiring Les Miles if LSU got Petrino?
If Arkansas fans ended up losing their coach for a sex scandal and LSU got him for half the price and paired him with John Chavis?
LSU would be the big winners here.
Arkansas fans might riot at the Les Miles press conference.
This needs to happen.
3. Les Miles accepting the Arkansas offer would be the worst coaching decision ever.
No one in college football coaching has ever voluntarily accepted such a drastically inferior job.
Which means Les Miles will definitely accept the Arkansas offer.
4. LSU’s next coach, whoever he is, would be facing two coaches in the same division who had previously won national titles at LSU.
Think about how crazy this would be.
This will probably never happen again. In fact, it’s almost impossible to have happen in the first place. How many schools even have more than one living coach who has won a national title and is still coaching?
And then both of them end up in the same division of the same conference?
It’s amazing to even think about the possibility.
5. LSU fans would riot if they didn’t hire Bobby Petrino.
You know how some schools like to pretend that Petrino’s moral failings mean their school can’t hire him?
LSU fans are the exact opposite, they’re like, “He only had one blonde mistress? Guy’s a saint!”
LSU fans would gather a harem of topless blonde women and ride in a motorcycle convoy to Petrino’s Little Rock apartment.
6. Arkansas has had nearly eight months to find a new coach and this is the best plan they could come up with?
This might be my favorite part of the entire story.
And they offer a dump truck full of cash to Les Miles!
Not surprisingly Arkansas is fundamentally misapplying the dump truck theory, which is predicated on going after the best coaches in America.
Do Arkansas fans even feel very confident that Miles could win big there?
Neither do they.
8. Can you imagine Les Miles’s agent explaining this offer to him?
The agent would convey the offer, Miles would hang up his rotary phone, and start figuring up the offer.
There would definitely be an abacus involved in Miles’s calculations.
And probably a protractor.
Eventually, Miles, dripping sweat from his forehead, would look up and say, “Damn, that’s a million dollars a year!”
9. Everyone getting to see how delusional Arkansas fans are.
This coaching search has revealed Arkansas to be the most delusional fan base in America.
I make fun of Alabama and Kentucky fans a ton, but at least those fan bases are huge fans of all football and basketball. Their television ratings are massive for their chosen college sports even if their team doesn’t play in the game. That is, they’re fans of the sport outside of their state.
Arkansas’s fandom is a peculiar form of provincialism, it’s as if nowhere else in the country exists.
They really believe that Arkansas is the best job in the nation.
It’s like North Koreans believing their country is the best in the world.
10. Picturing Bobby Petrino at Mardi Gras.
Would they have to tie him down like a werewolf when there’s a full moon? I think so.
Can you imagine the trouble Petrino could get in with all those young, topless women running around the city?
Which has got me thinking, what if Bill Clinton had been born in Louisiana instead of Arkansas? What would he have ended up doing instead of being President?
Oh, man, that needs to be a television show.
11. Les would also have to learn how to pronounce Arkansas.
So far he still can’t do it.
Also, what about the fact that Arkansas doesn’t have a grass field.
What are the odds that someone actually gives Miles pot to chew on the sideline?
12. Picturing Les Miles calling the Hogs.
Remember, Arkansas fans called the Hogs at Bobby Petrino’s press conference.
Les Miles can’t even clap correctly, can you imagine if he had to put his hands above his head and call the hogs?
How long would it take him to get it correct?
Would he ever?
13. Arkansas fans talking about how rich their school is.
This goes with the whole provincial Arkansas fan base angle.
They have no idea that other schools are also wealthy or that other schools also have wealthy boosters.
The Arkansas fan is the guy who calls up a sports talk station and says, “Y’all we have airplanes here. Right here in the state!”
Hell, if the Wal Mart heirs really wanted to get in a bidding war, wouldn’t Missouri end up with more money?
By the way, two Wal Mart heirs bidding for Les Miles to coach their favorite SEC school would be the greatest SEC story ever.