Texas Porch Pirate Has A Wardrobe Malfunction, Cops On The Lookout

DUMP 'EM OUT FOR THAT NORDSTROM PACKAGE, GIRL! Get ready for Facebook Marketplace to have some random Nordstrom item magically for sale on an account from some woman who clearly doesn't shop at Nordstrom. According to KHOU in Houston, Harris County police think they have a suspect in mind. Now it's just a matter of putting the pieces together and slapping cuffs on the Topless Porch Pirate.

“She clearly was having a wardrobe problem on the way up,” Harris County Precinct 1 Constable Alan Rosen told Fox News. Confirmed, Alan. I watched the video like it was some 1990 Cinemax movie on at 2 a.m. It sounds like Alan did the same.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that porch thefts are at an all-time high. Security.org reported in May 2020 that an estimated 25 million households were victimized by porch pirates during a 90-day period, as COVID forced people into buying items online and having them shipped to their residences.

On March 5, Georgia lawmakers voted on a bill that would make stealing a package off a porch a felony with mandatory prison time.

In the meantime, Alan will be looking for that rack out of Texas responsible for the latest package theft. “We’ve got some suspects in mind. We got a pretty clear look at the vehicle and of the person,” he told Fox.