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Dear Tim Tebow,
Let me be perfectly clear about this before we get going any further, in the event anyone was confused: Tim Tebow is not endorsing HRC. Hence the language on the ad that says: “Tebow doesn’t need it, but you do.” It would truly be the worst endorsement in the history of mankind for someone to advertise a product by saying that the endorser doesn’t need the product. Therefore I think your lawyer may have overstepped the legal bounds a bit when she said, “…the Ad goes so far as to suggest Mr. Tebow actually endorses HRC’s services and products.”
The ad actually says the exact opposite of that.
Only a Florida State fan could possibly be so stupid as to believe that you are endorsing this product when it clearly says that you don’t need it.
But I’m not going to hold that against you, Tim, because you and I have such a deep and long lasting relationship. This is just a bump in the road for us, Tim, a bump in the road that happens to feature hormone advertising.
You may not remember me, Tim, but back in 2006 our relationship was flourishing. As you can see from the photo taken inside The Swamp after the Florida-South Carolina game, you and I were boys. Not even David Caruso in the television background or a light-skinned Indian man could come between us. You were a freshman in college, and I was a soon-to-be author amidst the Dixieland Delight Tour.
It was November of 2006, Justin Timberlake was bringing Sexy Back and all the world was in front of us, anything on that November night seemed possible. Sure we had our ups and downs from there, For instance, I asked if you were saving yourself for marriage three years later when some expected you to ascend to Heaven. But you took that question in stride as I knew you would.
I think it made our one-way bond even stronger, a titanium lock of athlete-writer friendship, a modern day Ali and Cosell. Now a lawyer has come between us, but I know that is just momentary, a blip in time, like your time on the bench behind Kyle Orton.
Kyle F’ing Orton?
I mean, who is this guy? He went to Purdue. And he fornicates. Before marriage. How can the city of Denver let him represent them after this?
Put plainly, they can’t. You’ll be back on top soon, Tim, I know you will. I can feel it. Kyle Orton is like Ole Miss without the hot chicks. And everyone remembers what you did after Ole Miss.
HRC Medical is in the business of providing Hormone Replacement Therapy for men whose testosterone levels are in decline. Since your testosterone level is roughly equivalent to 46 normal men and eight horses, you represented the one man on Earth who couldn’t benefit from their product. For the other 3 billion of us Tim, we might need some added testosterone. But we offended you Tim, there’s no doubting that. As a result, I’m doing what everyone does when they’re in the wrong and a society no longer embraces mix tapes, I’m making you a care package.
I know you’re in the middle of training camp so you’re a busy guy.
But I’m sending it anyway. Inside you’ll find Duck Head clothes, enough Florida Gator PowerForce bands to give out to every Gator alum in Denver, and a copy of Dixieland Delight to remind you of happier times in our relationship.
Don’t worry, we’ve also changed the ad so no one will be confused about your connection with the product any longer. I think you’ll approve of the changes, and I hope we can become friends again some day.
Your friend (hopefully),
Genesis 38: 6-9