Team USA Attends Opening Ceremony, Hits Rio Brothel

Team United States arrives during the opening ceremony for the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Friday, Aug. 5, 2016. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

David J. Phillip

In a clear attempt by Brazilian counterintelligence to ensure that their basketball team in 2036 took a massive leap forward, several NBA players on team USA were enticed into a Rio whorehouse.

Just after the majestic opening ceremonies at the Brazilian Olympic games Demar Derozan, Demarcus Cousins, and Deandre Jordan — aka the triple De’s — headed out to Termas Monte Carlo, a high end Rio brothel.

USA, USA, USA!

How do we know this?

Thanks to TMZ, of course. And, amazingly, because somehow pictures were taken inside the brothel.

You would think of all the places in the world where pictures are not allowed that a brothel would be number one on the list. 

According to TMZ the players “accidentally” ended up in the whorehouse — although as Dan Wetzel points out, this brothel is over an hour from the cruise ship the players are staying on and doesn’t look like much from the outside — and only bought drinks before leaving the brothel.

Per TMZ:

“A source close to the team tells us the players got the standard line, so they assumed it was kosher. The source said, “They realized it wasn’t the right place for them and immediately left.”

As for what happened inside, the players were only seen hanging at the bar. Multiple sources tell us they bought booze … nothing more.”

Yahoo sports columnist Dan Wetzel immediately jumped on this story because NBA players going to a whorehouse in Brazil will be more read than any other story he can possibly write from the Rio Olympics. Seriously, it’s like a gift from the pageview gods. 

Wetzel pointed out that Team USA has their own spa on the cruise ship and had some fun with the idea that they accidentally ended up there:

“Now, how anyone thought the Termas Monte Carlo was just a spa – a spa better than either the one on the luxury cruise ship, or a spa with people capable of giving honest, physical treatment better than the highly qualified USA Basketball training staff – remains an unanswered question.

From the outside, the first floor of the Termas Monte Carlo presents itself as an anonymous, windowless, half-stucco dump. You’d be hesitant to go in there and have them fix the muffler on your car, let alone provide deep tissue work on a world-class athlete.

The place is famous/infamous in Rio, as a simple internet search would reveal. It has a somewhat racy website. It’s been written about, reviewed and the subject of various law enforcement busts through the years.

One website that apparently serves to offer detailed reviews of such establishments notes, “the staff here tends to turnover fast, hence if you don’t like the selection one day, give it a few days and you might see some new faces in the line.” I guess that could sound like a spa … if you’re the most naïve person in South America.”

“Let alone provide deep tissue work” on an world class athlete made me spit out my orange juice when I read it this morning.

So well done.

Some of you are laughing right now, but I guarantee you there are thousands of guys reading this story right now who have told their wives or girlfriends, “Honestly, honey, I didn’t know it was a strip club! I thought it was just a bar!”

The only that could make this story better is if the players walked into the brothel and Coach K was already there, wearing only a loin cloth, while Brazilian prostitutes were feeding him grapes. 

Team USA is -1600 to win the gold

Bar debate question for you: could Team USA still win the gold if they started one of the women from the brothel and she had to play twenty minutes?

I’m going with yes. 

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.