Videos by OutKick
We’ve reached the final full week of May and great Americans all over are celebrating by throwing fists at a NASCAR race and cheering on Sydney Smith as she tests out the boundaries of human flexibility.
Doesn’t get much more patriotic than that, boys and girls. Fists and Splits. It’s what this country was built on, allegedly.
Welcome to the final week of spring and my final week before a 7-day family vacation packed with more drama than an episode of 24. Does that mean I’m gonna mail it in, though?
But it also means I’m gonna give you everything I got when I’m not mailing it in, including homegrown stars, fisticuffs, interesting wedding experiences and making fun of the NAACP as OutKick’s resident Florida spokesperson.
Spoiler alert: we don’t care if you’re black, white or purple — just act right when you get here. That’s all we ask. We don’t wear masks, care if you’re vaccinated or like our third graders to be taught about sex. Sound good?
You wanna start there? Or should we ease into the week with Sydney Smith’s yoga pants? Famous NFL reporter Aileen Hnatiuk getting ready for some LSU postseason action?
Actually, no. Let’s start in a little place called Plant City, where I sat through a dry wedding in the wet humidity last Saturday.
Grab a drink — lord knows I couldn’t.
Where do we stand on this wedding I went to?
I don’t often like to complain in these spaces — at least about my life — so when I do, you know it’s worth your time.
I need to know where everyone stands on this wedding I went to over the weekend.
Allow me to set the scene:
It was a dry wedding in the middle of Florida in the middle of the afternoon at the beginning of summer. It just rained, which meant it was steamy as hell.
The ceremony itself — outdoors, by the way — was actually the shortest, quickest ceremony I’ve ever been to. Seriously, it was literally a couple I dos and then they were off. Loved it.
But that ended around 5:15, and we didn’t eat until around 7:30. Two hours later. And the only thing they were serving at the bar were Jack-less cokes and Captain-less 7-Ups.
Dry as a bone. For a TWO HOUR “cocktail” hour. With a toddler.
Here are my two cents …
The whole “dry” wedding thing didn’t bother nor affect me. I’m not an idiot. It’s pretty easy to sneak a little whiskey into the wedding, especially if you have a diaper bag. If you’re complaining about not having alcohol at a “dry” wedding, that’s on you. Be innovative for me one time.
Where they lost me a little, though, was the fact that we had TWO HOURS between I do and dinner’s served with the idea that it was a dry wedding. Not cocktails for a two hour cocktail hour? Insanity, IMO. Not saying it was the plan or their fault — it was raining, after all — but still …
I have to be in the majority on this, right?
We had rednecks throwing haymakers at Sunday’s NASCAR race
You know who 100% would NOT have tolerated a dry wedding? These two NASCAR fans who celebrated the sports’ highly anticipated return to North Wilkesboro by beating each other’s faces in.
Nothing like a little wrestling match with stock cars racing around at 100 MPH right there in the background. What an American setting.
Pure anarchy here. That’s what happens when you race around for six hours and tailgate for 12. It was NASCAR’s All-Star weekend, and we got an all-star fight here. Couple landed haymakers, a little headlock, plenty of belly showing — it was the complete package.
Welcome back, North Wilkesboro!
Sydney Smith continues to be flexible and fun
I know I wrote about Sydney Smith over the weekend, but I’d remiss if I didn’t mention her in Nightcaps.
After all, it was Nightcaps where Sydney was first spotted. We identified the Southern Connecticut gymnast way back on St. Patrick’s Day, and she’s taken off like a rocket ship ever since.
Weird how that works, huh?
Anyway, you all can have your Olivia Dunne and Breckie Hills of the world — I don’t care. Sydney Smith is an absolute grinder and she’s #MyGymnast. Livvy and Breckie ain’t doing this, and if they are they ain’t looking as good doing it.
I need a Busch Light Peach review
Sydney Smith > Olivia Dunne > Breckie Hill. Easy call for anyone with half a brain. Just remember where you heard of her first.
OK, time to get down to the nitty-gritty as I try to milk the last few hours of this final Monday before my vacation.
Speaking of …
I come from a Busch Light family. I know it’s a sore subject right now and I’ve re-opened my beer recruitment since Bud Light and Anheuser-Busch did idiot things, but the facts are still the facts. Busch Light is still delicious and I can assure you it’ll be in the back of every car next week.
I will also be bringing my Yuengling, so don’t yell at me just yet. That being said, I’m sure I’ll be drinking a couple Lattes — I’m just being honest.
Which brings me to my next point:
These worth it? I was a huge Busch Light Apple guy — it was my favorite part of summer. Hell, I stocked up for the winter last year because I knew it was the last time Busch was gonna make the apple.
Right on cue, they’ve released its replacement — peach. Doesn’t sound nearly as good, and I’m also not nearly as pro-BL as I was eight weeks ago, so I’m gonna need some serious convincing to bring these bad boys on vacation next week.
Has anyone had them yet? Can you vouch for them? Do they suck? I need answers and the clock is ticking.
And spare me the “you’re a fraud!” nonsense. I told you I was bringing Yuengling. But if I’m in a sticky spot one night without my new patriotic brew, I’d like to maybe have some Busch Light peach to fall back on if it’s worth it. That’s all.
NAACP warns travelers about big bad Florida!
Couple more on the way out, starting with the wokest frauds in the land not named Dylan Mulvaney Light …
Step on up, NAACP!
I mean, COME. ON. I say this every single week, but society is so, sooooo dumb right now. Seriously, anyone who actually believes that is beyond repair. It’s over for you. You’re officially a sheep and an idiot.
I’ve lived in Florida my entire life, and I’ll never leave. It’s the greatest state in America, and it ain’t close. Black, white, hispanic — we truly don’t care. By the way, we’re the third largest state in the country and our Governor literally just set a record last election with how much of a landslide it was.
I think he’s pretty well liked down here — by everyone.
God forbid he doesn’t want to mutilate kids and banned the woke’s favorite new term — Gender Affirming Care. Yeah, OK. Whatever help you lunatics sleep at night. Ron DeSantis sees through the nonsense and Floridians respect him for it.
What a load of garbage.
And by the way, does anyone know who Florida’s Surgeon General is? That would be the Ron DeSantis-appointed Dr. Joseph Ladapo — who is black.
Of course, the media hates him, though, because he’s the opposite of Tony Fauci. You can’t win!
Toddlers on a plane and Aileen Hnatiuk gets us ready for college baseball’s postseason
Let’s lighten this bad boy up on our way out.
You know who actually may not be welcome in our state? Parents who allow their toddlers to do THIS on an 8-hour flight:
Letting children run wild during an 8 hour flight
by u/readysetgorilla in PublicFreakout
That little clip is from months ago, but went viral over the weekend for obvious reasons. Could you imagine?
I am deathly scared of flying — hate it with a passion. If I was that guy in the seat with that going on behind me, I think that would be it for me. Seriously, I think I’d have some sort of stroke or heart attack and just croak right there. My ticker can’t handle that on the ground, much less 30,000 feet in the sky trapped in a metal tube.
As a parent of a toddler, I’d put on Ms. Rachel so quick your heads would be spinning. If you have a toddler, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, you’re lost.
Put it in, put it in puuuuuut it … in!
(It’s an inside joke for us Ms. Rachel truthers, you animals).
OK, here’s Saints reporter Aileen Hnatiuk, who went viral at the end of football season for being a heartthrob, getting us pumped up for some postseason college baseball.
Great time of year, by the way. College baseball is awesome, and the Road to Omaha is criminally underrated.
Let’s go have a Monday.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Are you an OG Sydney Smith fan? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.