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Stone Cold Stunner: Austin Tabbed For WrestleMania Return

It’s time to bust out those jean shorts and trim that week’s worth of growth. No, the wife didn’t make weekend plans for TGI Fridays and missionary. Stone Cold’s returning to the wrestling ring with the WWE.

On Tuesday, Stone Cold Steve Austin announced his intentions to get back into the ring to unleash one last can of Whoop Ass. Kevin Owens, you’ve been warned.

Austin will make his official return to the squared circle at WrestleMania 38, which is scheduled for the first weekend in April in Austin’s home state of Texas. The 57-year-old Austin accepted a challenge from WWE Superstar Kevin Owens, kicking open the door for what should be at least another week’s worth of Stone Cold beer-chugging memes.

“Kevin Owens, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for waking something up deep inside me that I’ve kept buried for 19 years,” Austin said via Twitter. “Ever since you started running that mealy-mouth of yours, talking about the great state of Texas, you got my attention.”

The last time Stone Cold wrestled was WrestleMania XIX, when he lost to The Rock, then retired.

Since then, all the Budweiser in the world weren’t enough to coax the Texas Rattlesnake back into the ring. Fortunately for wrestling fans, Kevin Owens’ unflattering comments about the Longhorn State were all that was needed.

“And why would you want to do that Kevin,” asked Austin. “I can think of two reasons. 1) You are one dumb son of a bitch, and 2) You are fixing to get your a— kicked by Stone Cold Steve Austin.”

Austin then ended his announcement video as only he can: “Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to open up one last can of whoop ass on you, Kevin Owens, and that’s the bottom line. Because Stone Cold said so.”

Save some girls for the rest of us, Steve.

 

Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF

Written by Anthony Farris

Anthony is a former high school basketball intramural champion who played a leading role in creating two offspring. He spends his weekends hoping for an MTV Rock N' Jock revival.

Follow him on twitter @OhioAF

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