Steve Spurrier's "Lifestyle Changes" for Stephen Garcia
How optimistic is Steve Spurrier about the 2011 Gamecocks? Appearing at SEC media days Steve Spurrier brought back the late 1990's Florida Gators swagger. you could just tell he was already planning on going for two when his team was up 41-0 on you midway through the fourth quarter. But he also couldn't escape the continuing trials and tribulations of Gamecock fifth-year senior quarterback Stephen Garcia. Asked whether Garcia would be able to return to the team for 2011 Spurrier said he thought so then finished with a vintage Steve quip: "I don't want to kick him out for stupidity."
In particular Spurrier said that Garcia had embarked upon "lifestyle changes" that would enable him to return to the Gamecocks this fall. Spurrier also said that Garcia, who has already graduated from South Carolina and was given the opportunity to transfer after his latest incident, has "guidelines" he needed to follow to rejoin the team.
As someone who roots for Garcia ardently -- how can you not root for a guy with five naked chicks in his hotel room the night before a bowl game -- I wondered what the lifestyle changes and guidelines Garcia must follow would look like. Especially considering this is the sixth chance that Spurrier has given Garcia to clean up his act.
(Before I clicked publish on this last night, news broke that Stephen Garcia is reinstated! Glory, glory, glory.)
But before that reinstatement sources close to the South Carolina program provided OKTC the directives that Stephen Garcia must follow to remain a member of the Gamecock program in 2011. It's a special 12 step program and the program doesn't end merely when he rejoins the team.
Here's Garcia's path:
1. Follow the example set by quarterbacks coach G.A. Mangus who has been brought in as your role model.
By the way, how amazing is it that Mangus was busted by two police officers who then called for back-up.
Back-up!
For a drunk guy peeing in the street?
Let's just say that G.A. Mangus's wife is one lucky woman.
2. Please refrain from taking your samurai sword to class.
Sword is not a euphemism for your penis in this directive.
But while we're talking about your penis and the classroom, you may not lead students in the penis game during class. That is, you may not silently whisper the word "penis" in an effort to make the classroom come undone as one voice after another says the word louder.
We see enough of this in the actual football games when the word "Cocks" consistently drowns out "Game" in Williams-Brice Stadium.
3. Quit smoking after games.
I'm not lying about this, I once saw Stephen Garcia bum a smoke off a security guard in the hallway after a game.
4. Cut your hair.
You are not Achilles. How do we know this? Achilles would not have been caught keying his professor's car. Also, Achilles would not have a starting record of 20-15 after three years as a starting quarterback.
Achilles would, however, have had five naked chicks in his tent the night before a battle. So you do have some things in common.
5. Stay away from Five Points.
I was out in Five Points back on Halloween 2008. While I was there, I pointed out a guy doing shots and said, "That guy dressed up as a fat Duce Staley for Halloween."
Turned out it was Duce Staley.
This is what Five Points does to you.
Also, @ufslide's suggestion on Twitter makes a lot of sense: "Replace jello-shots in helmet with real padding."
6. Get the South Carolina state flag tattooed on your chest.
Rest assured that even if you make this decision you will only have the third worst tattoo for an SEC quarterback.
South Carolinians are so in love with their state flag -- which lets be honest, gives you an erection too -- that if you get the state flag tattooed on you, they will never be able to turn against you. Also, it opens the door for this great line when you take your shirt off before entering Krystal with your latest conquest, "It's moonlight in South Carolina, baby."
7. Spend three hours a day polishing Steve Spurrier's Heisman Trophy with your shorn mullet locks.
While you are doing so repeat over and over, "I will not be the next Steve Taneyhill, I will not be the next Steve Taneyhill."
By the way, what if instead of coming out in a military uniform, Garcia came out this fall with Taneyhill on the back of his jersey. Would South Carolina fans spontaneously combust?
In the meantime proof that God has a sense of humor? Taneyhill is now a high school head coach in Pennsylvania.
8. Do not run with the football.
We have Marcus Lattimore on this team. Aka, the guy who would be currently starting for every NFL team other than the Tennessee Titans and the Minnesota Vikings. So if we want to run the football, we'd prefer to give it to the fast running back as opposed to the quarterback with the hangover and beer gut.
9. Go to church with Connor Shaw at least once a month.
I know nothing about Connor Shaw, but he has to be the exact opposite of Garcia, right? The yin and yang of SEC quarterback duos. Also, according to Shaw's official Carolina bio, his brother's name is Jaybo.
I feel so cheated right now that Stephen Garcia's backup isn't named Jaybo.
10. Sell your memoirs to those who would be terrified if they were ever published. Such as the South Carolina athletic department.
As @aaronluther writes: Garcia's memor would "be like Friday Night Lights mixed with the Motley Crue biography."
If you guys think this is a good idea, how great would excerpted Stephen Garcia chapters be this fall?
11. Work on your Internet biographers.
As @southsam points out, it's time to get the guys behind the fan site stephengarcia.org to either give up or step up their game.
If you're looking to be entertained, just stroll around that site for a while. It has to be the worst fan site on the Internet.
12. Give up either women or alcohol for the middle of the week.
If you can't do either, sleep in a sauna all season so you sweat out all the alcohol before you get to the football field. Last season your center was blowing a .2 based entirely on his proximity to you.