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Last night I watched the Oscars with my wife. But first we watched the Oscars red carpet.
Watching the Oscars red carpet with my wife is like watching the NCAA Tournament on opening weekend with me. My wife was watching CNN, ABC, and E all simultaneously, flipping from one interview to another like there were three different games all coming down to the wire at the exact same instant. What’s more, she’s constantly ripping or praising the fashion decisions of all the women being interviewed. Woe unto Anne Hathaway for what my wife said when Hathaway’s dress — which for some reason made it appear her nipples were showing — first made it’s appearance.
On the other hand, when your wife can’t stop gushing about how hot Charlize Theron is, that’s pretty damn enjoyable. Because it allows me to pretend that if my wife and I ever went out to a romantic dinner at Olive Garden with Charlize Theron — what, this could totally happen, have you tasted their garlic bread? — my wife and Charlize might make out. (Of course they’d probably hook up with Channing Tatum instead of me, but still a guy can dream.)
Since we don’t have college football for quite a while, I’m going to apply the Starting 11 — which usually comes out every Monday in the fall — to other big weekend events between now and August. This is one of the first. So without further ado, here were my 11 favorite things from the Oscars.
1. The “We Saw Your Boobs,” song.
I didn’t think Seth MacFarlane was extraordinary, but his opening bit wasn’t bad. Particularly, the “We Saw Your Boobs,” song and the reaction shots from actresses when MacFarlane named the movies where we saw the actresses boobs. (Jennifer Lawrence stole the bit by pumping her fist when MacFarlane acknowledged that we still hadn’t seen her boobs). Of course, I’m a big fan of boobs so I appreciated the walk down memory boob lane, but it also helped to puncture the seriousness of the night. Look, you guys all make movies for a living. We aren’t gathering to celebrate the end of war or famine or cancer. We’re here to celebrate stories, stories that are often helped along by spectacular boobs. In fact, every man reading this right now has watched a movie specifically because he knew a favorite actresses boobs were shown in the movie.
So I thought the song was pretty funny. As was the inclusion of William Shatner in the opening monologue.
MacFarlane’s two best lines of the night were when he confused Denzel Washington and Eddie Murphy after the sock puppet version of “Flight,” and his line about the nine-year old star of “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” being sixteen years away from being too old for George Clooney to date.
Both of these were outstanding jokes.
Sadly, there weren’t a ton more.
Here’s the opening in case you missed it.
Otherwise, I thought the Oscars dragged impossibly long. Which brings me to my second criticism.
2. Why did the Oscars have to turn into the Tony Awards?
Confession, I hate musicals, genuinely despise them. The only reason I go to a musical is because I know if I go to a musical my wife will sleep with me after I go to a musical.
Lots of men — and some women — probably feel the same way.
So I don’t want to watch a bunch of homages to the musical at the Oscars. And I especially don’t want to watch Russell Crowe sing. If I wanted musicals I’d watch the Tony Awards, which I never do.
3. Hugh Jackman’s wife outkicked her coverage more than any Hollywood woman ever.
My wife wrote about this a few weeks ago in her seven women who most outkicked their coverage, but it’s readily apparent at every awards show when they stand next to each other. Jacksman’s not just dashingly good looking, he’s such a talented bad ass. From Wolverine to singing in Les Mis? He’s good at everything and he seems like the nicest guy on the planet. For example, when Jennifer Lawrence fell going up the stairs to accept her Academy Award who was the only man to spring up from his seat and assist her?
Of course it was Hugh Jackman!
He’s human perfection.
4. Anne Hathaway has legitimate Bama Bangs.
They’re really extraordinary.
She could be elected the president of any Alabama or Auburn fraternity based upon the quality of these bangs.
Here Hathaway shows off her bangs and while simultaneously demonstrating how large Hugh Jackman’s penis is.
5. George Clooney has turned into Sean Connery.
Amazing red carpet stat — yes, there is one — Clooney and Walt Disney are the only two people in Oscar history to be nominated in six different categories. That’s astounding. I think if I could be anyone in the world, it would be Clooney. He’s brilliant, talented, smart, funny and he just cycles through one starlet after another.
How good of a life does this guy have?
Plus, if you had to pick a celebrity to be president, could you do better than Clooney?
I don’t think so.
6. How ugly is Jamie Foxx? And why does he think he’s so good looking?
Jamie Foxx is the ugliest famous person on the planet. That’s all well and good, I wouldn’t really hold this against him if he didn’t constantly carry himself like he’s the best looking person on the planet. Put it this way, just about every other actor that was nominated for an award, if you put a wig on them, they could be a decent looking woman. If you put a wig on Jamie Foxx, I’m not sure there would have ever been an uglier woman in the history of the universe.
In fact, we have evidence of this fact.
You want proof there’s a double standard for beauty in Hollywood? There will never be an Oscar-winning woman as ugly as Jamie Foxx is for a man.
7. Kristin Chenoweth made fun of the Texas Longhorns in the Oscars pre-game.
“We kick your ass in football,” Chenoweth told Renee Zellwegger in the most unexpected Oklahoma-Texas trash talk ever.
Poor Mack Brown, he can’t even watch the Oscars without being reminded of how awful his team is.
Meanwhile Chenoweth spent the entire Red Carpet having to reach up her microphone to people who were much taller than her. You would have thought this issue was foreseeable. When Chenoweth interviewed Adele, she looked like she was reenacting a scene from the “The Wizard of Oz.”
8. Why does Kristen Stewart always look like she just woke up in a Vegas hotel room after three days of partying?
Did you see her limp out onto the stage to present an award? I understand she hurt her ankle, but did this keep her from washing her hair for the past three weeks?
Fortunately, I have never seen any of the “Twilight” movies, but I’m just baffled by her career. What does she do well? I just know that she and Dana from “Homeland” are going to end up doing a movie together and that movie will be the only thing showing on an airplane flight that I’m taking to Australia.
I’m going to have to watch this entire movie and by the end I will be trying to unsuccessfully trying to saw my wrists with the plastic knives on the airplane.
9. How awesome is Jennifer Lawrence?
She was extraordinary in “Silver Linings Playbook,” and she was great as Katniss Everdeen in “The Hunger Games.” (Yes, unlike Twilight I actually went to this movie and read the trilogy.)
I really can’t wait to see her in Serena, which is scheduled to come out this September.
She and Bradley Cooper are starring again in the movie. (Odds they’ve slept together? Gotta be nearly 100%, right?) Here’s a picture of them on set. If the “Serena” script is anywhere near as good as the book, there’s a great chance Lawrence will be nominated for another best actress award next year.
10. Everyone in Hollywood has a beard.
I’ve had a beard since 2002.
When I grew my beard, hardly anyone had a beard. It was basically me and Wolf Blitzer.
Eleven years later, the beard is ascendant, everyone cool in Hollywood has a beard — Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Bradley Cooper.
11. Katherine Webb’s bikini advertisement for “Diving With the Stars” aired multiple times.
The camera lingered on her body in the bikini.
Yep, Disney/ABC the same company that apologized for Brent Musburger’s cable comments about how beautiful Webb was, is now running advertisements on network television that feature Webb in a bikini. Soon they’ll have an entire television show predicated on showing her in a bikini.
This follows up the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue appearance.
I just don’t know if Webb will ever recover from Brent Musburger’s wanton and reckless compliments.