NFL Power Rankings: Some Teams Are Scorching, Most Are In Sketchy Areas & Everyone Hates Tony Romo
Well, it's apparently Week 7 of the NFL season. How? When? Goodness, time flies when you're having fun!
I'm a miserable Dolphins fan, so I don't know what that feels like, but it sure seems like a good time for some of you. Congrats.
Look, this league is a mess for the most part. I'm just being honest. The refs SUCK. That's No. 1 and a distant No. 1 at that. Seriously, it's the worst I've ever seen. The product, at least in my opinion, is also down. I don't know why, but it just seems like we've gone backwards in terms of on-the-field product.
Maybe it's the quarterback play around the league, which is sort of shitty? I dunno, but it ain't great.
Anyway, I say all that to say this … the trade deadline is coming up, and all 32 teams could use a trip to the store for a tuneup. Lucky for them, yesterday was … National Department Store Day! What, you didn't know? Shame on you.
Sears, Macy's, JCPenney, Dillard's – all absolute staples in a shopping mall back in the 80s and 90s. They'd be at the four separate corners of the mall, and it was just a choose-your-own-adventure book every time you pulled into the parking lot.
Which entrance do we wanna choose? Do we feel like going through the Macy's perfume section to get to the free Bourbon chicken on a stick in the food court because it's a quicker route, or do we just suck it up and park way in the back of the main entrance because it's not worth smelling like that all day?
What a time to be alive.
OK, grab you one of them Sears Christmas catalogs and settle in, because we're gonna rank these NFL teams as old (mostly) department stores! And if that doesn't sound like a scorcher, I don't know what to tell you.
Tier 1: The Sears tier
1. Minnesota Vikings (LW:1)
2. Detroit Lions (2)
3, Dan Campbell's totally normal podium (NR)
4. Kansas City Chiefs (3)
5. Baltimore Ravens (5)
6. Tony Romo! (NR)
7. Houston Texans (6)
God, I loved Sears. It was the absolute best. Whether you wanted a new video game, some new living room furniture, or a damn generator for a storm, Sears literally had it all.
Oh, you want to head to the mall and be able to come away with the latest plasma TV, some new Christmas decorations for the front yard and an entire 350-piece tool set? Head to Sears, baby!
Do they even exist anymore? Even just one? The one in my hometown is a Spirit Halloween right now. True story.
This group remains largely unchanged after last week because two teams were off and everyone else won pretty easily. If we're being honest, Detroit should be No. 1 based on this beauty alone:
Dog … WHAT?! I literally saw that earlier this week and immediately looked for the community notes, because there was no way it was real.
But it was, and it is, and I love it. God, I love the freaking Detroit Lions. America's Team!
Don't let this clown anywhere NEAR them:
Tier 2: The Macy's tier
8. Buffalo Bills with Amari Cooper (NR)
9. Buffalo Bills without Amari Cooper (9)
10. Tampa Bay Bucs (11)
11. Washington Redskins, which I can say now because Tony said it (7)
12. Green Bay Packers (17)
13. San Francisco 49ers (14)
Always felt like Macy's was for the rich folk growing up. Don't know why, but it just smelled a little wealthier in there than other places.
Solid store, though. Yes, the place gave you a headache because the middle section was just a dumpster for the latest perfumes and colognes, but other than that, a solid spot to shop.
They also had that cool Santa's workshop thing every Christmas season where you'd drop off your letters to Santa in the big ass Macy's mailbox, and that was always something to do.
I wasn't ever the biggest Macy's fan – and their stupid Thanksgiving show is woke garbage today – but credit where credit is due. Solid store.
Trump!!!! Back when they all liked him. Weird how they call him an insufferable racist now.
Bills are … OK? I dunno. Does Amari Cooper make them that much better? I don't see it.
Bucs are a WAGON, and I could watch Baker put up 50 points with four tuddies and three more picks every single week. Most entertaining team in the league.
Tony again! Go Skins!
Tier 3: The Dillard's tier
14. Atlanta Falcons, even though they don't really deserve to move up because they only beat the Panthers (16)
15. Mark Sanchez's timing (NR)
16. Philadelphia Eagles (21)
17. Pittsburgh Steelers, but only with Justin Fields (25)
18. LA Chargers (26)
19. Seattle Seahawks (20)
20. New Orleans Saints, who probably wish the season ended after Week 2 (18)
We can all agree that Dillard's was the black sheep of the department store family, right? In a good way, by the way. I'm the black sheep of my family – at least back-account wise – so I LOVE Dillard's. I always sort of looked at it as the anti-Macy's. The black suits went to Macy's. Us middle-class folks went to Dillard's.
Great shirts at a great discount! Little dingy, little dreary, smelled just a little old, but you knew you were gonna leave with some great deals and a fatter wallet.
Did anyone watch Falcons-Panthers on Sunday? I didn't watch a single second. Not one. Was it ever on Red Zone? No clue. Literally forgot it was one until I went back and looked.
Is Justin Fields the most disrespected quarterback of all time? WILD move if they make it. God, I hope they do. It'll be GREAT for the #content department.
Chargers are SUCH a Jim Harbaugh team it hurts.
Mark!
Tier 4: The K-Mart tier
21. Chicago Bears!!!!!! (30)
22. LA Rams (24)
23. LA Dodgers (NR)
24. UCLA (NR)
25. New York Jets, who are totally above water and just fine! (27)
26. Mike Williams' chance of surviving when there's a bus in front of him and Aaron Rodgers behind him (NR)
27. Dallas Cowboys (15)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (28)
29. Denver Broncos (23)
30. Pittsburgh Steelers with Russell Wilson (NR)
I LOVED K-Mart as a kid. Hell, we went there all the time, and it was basically a trashier Walmart, which is such an impressive feat to pull off.
I think the last remaining K-Mart was demolished at some point late last year, which is sad, but also amazing that it made it that long. In a world of Targets and Home Goods, the fact that K-Mart lasted till 2023 is no small feat.
The absolute BEST part about K-Marts, though? The commercials:
The best.
How about the Bears?! Caleb Williams might be a stud. We'll see.
The Jets are such a dumpster fire, and now they're bringing in Davante Adams to save the day? Yeah, OK. Let's see how that pays off for 'em, Cotton! What could possibly go wrong?
Poor Mike.
Russ is back!
Tier 5: The TJ Maxx tier
31. New York Giants (31)
32. Indy Colts with Joe Flacco (29)
33. Indy Colts with Anthony Richardson (NR)
34. Miami Dolphins, who unfortunately are back from their bye this week so we all have to watch again (34)
35. Carolina Panthers (32)
36. New England Patriots, who I guess were less awful with Drake Maye? (35)
37. Tennessee Titans, who are truly awful with Will Levis (36)
38. Jacksonville Jaguars, same thing as above, except insert Trevor Lawrence (37)
39. Oakland Raiders w/Davante Adams (39)
40. Oakland Raiders without/Davante Adams (NR)
41. Donald Trump as a tight end in high school driving through a bad neighborhood (NR)
42. The 2008 Detroit Lions (NR)
43. The 2016 Cleveland Browns (NR)
44. Literally any high school football team in Florida, Texas or California (NR)
45. Jimmy Carter (NR and probably dead even though his family propped him up to vote for Kamala Harris as if that's gonna help)
46. Cleveland Browns (44)
Did you know that TJ Maxx has been around since the 70s and that it still has over 1,000 stores around the US today?
How? How is that possible? When was the last time you were in a TJ Maxx? Seriously. I bet it's been 10 years for me. Maybe 15. Every town has one in that shady shopping center that we all try to avoid, and it's usually pretty rundown and sketchy.
Yet, they're somehow still afloat, which I don't understand, but that's just me.
All these teams STINK and I can't believe we have to watch them for 11 more games.
Will Levis may be the worst QB in the league, and that's including the stable of idiots Miami's trotting out there each week.
Trevor Lawrence is the biggest thief in the league not named Deshaun Watson.
Can't believe the Raiders hiring the "player's choice" coach in Antonio Pierce just because he won four games last year isn't working out. Weird.
Jimbo!
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.