NFL Power Rankings: Most Teams Are Creepy Losers Who Belong In Jail, Others Deal With Woke Children
Well, the NFL continues to be ass-backwards, but also, very predictable. Hard to do, but the script-writers continue to pump out amazing #content for us each and every week.
What do I mean by that?
Well, most of the last week has been dominated by A) Tua retirement talk, B) Chiefs-getting-bailed-out-by-another-penalty talk, and C) Tony Romo-being-insufferable talk.
That's the same stuff we've been talking about for years now. Mix in the mandatory two hours of Cowboys talk over on First Take, and it's basically 2022 all over again.
On the other hand, Derek Carr and Sam Darnold are suddenly the best quarterbacks in the league, the Saints are the 1999 Rams, the Bucs are a WAGON, and the Cardinals might actually be … good?
See? Whatever happened to predictability? Just when we think we have the league figured out, BOOM – Sam Darnold tosses a 97-yard touchdown and acts like a first overall pick for the first time in seven years. Wild.
Which brings us to our Week 3 Power Rankings! Last week was a baseline. Now, I think I've got the right recipe. This is it, right here. I promise. This is the one!
For you internet sleuths out there, I already dropped a hint at what our tiers are gonna be this week. Did you catch it? Of course you did, because I put it in italics just to make sure!
Reginald VelJohnson – AKA Carl Winslow from Family Matters – stunned the internet last night when he showed up out of NOWHERE on Dancing with the Stars. Reginald is 72, and it was a bit jarring. Safe to say, I don't think he's hunting down criminals in Chicago anymore.
But, that got me thinking … is Carl Winslow the greatest TV dad of all time? It's a loaded list, and one I'm willing to tackle. All answers are final, as always around here.
It's Week 3 NFL Power Rankings – the ‘Ranking Teams As Iconic TV Dads’ edition! Let's roll:
Tier 1: The Danny Tanner tier
1. Kansas City Chiefs (LW: 1)
2. Tony Romo any time Patrick Mahomes literally breathes (NR)
3. Houston Texans (7)
4. Cris Collinsworth any time Caleb Williams throws the ball forward (NR)
5. Tampa Bay Bucs (12)
6. Detroit Lions minus Dan Campbell's end-of-game decision-making (4)
7, Buffalo Bills, but only against the Dolphins in primetime (11)
Look, these rankings are mostly going to reflect 1990s TV dads, because that's the era I grew up in. For those bitching about Mike Brady, sorry. He ain't making the list.
Danny Tanner was elite as a 1990s TV dad on Full House. RIP Bob Saget. The best. Absolute legend. Not only did Mr. Tanner have to deal with three unruly children, including the unbelievably woke Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), he also had to juggle being a San Francisco newscaster with that criminal, Aunt Becky (Lori Anne Loughlin).
That automatically earns you the top spot in this week's rankings.
PS: 24-year-old Lori in The Night Before is a must-watch:
The Chiefs retain the top spot only because they're back-to-back defending champs off to a 2-0 start. That earns you respect around here. But they haven't looked great and could easily be 0-2.
Romo was predictably brutal on Sunday.
Collinsworth was just as bad, and that one surprised me.
The Bucs are a wagon and have been since the middle of last year. Time to get the hell on board. All aboard the Baker Train! Choo-chooooooooo!
The Bills truly make me miserable.
Tier 2: The Carl Winslow tier
8. San Francisco 49ers' IR squad (NR))
9. Actual San Francisco 49ers team (3)
10. New Orleans Saints (22!!!)
11. Baltimore Ravens, as long as all games are 58 minutes long (5)
12. Philadelphia Eagles as long as all games are 58 minutes long from here on out (6)
13. Minnesota Vikings (19)
14. LA Chargers (17)
15. Dallas Cowboys (8, yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck)
Told you. Jarring to see Carl Winslow nowadays, huh? I know he's weirdly been in a handful of commercials over the past year or two, but those eyes caught everyone's attention last night.
Like Danny, Carl had a ton to navigate in suburban Chicago. Steve Urkel was the WORST and just constantly wanted to bang Carl's oldest daughter, Laura. Yet Carl just kept letting him come over. Insane patience.
He was also a cop, which certainly comes with its fair share of stressful moments, and his mom lived with them. I don't care how old and/or sweet Mother Winslow was – that's a tough ask for anyone.
PS: back when this was considered "gentle parenting:"
Get his ass, Carl! That's how families should be run! No nonsense.
The 49ers are probably not long for this tier because half their team is hurt. Hell, I've already knocked the Dolphins out of it and San Fran seems like they're in trouble, too.
Saints get the Eagles this week at home. Win that one, and they've got something.
Speaking of the Eagles … Nick Sirianni is such a dork. It's amazing.
Cowboys looked like ASS on Sunday, which means they'll win by 50 this week. Can't wait to see Belichick on the sidelines next year!
Tier 3: The Uncle Phil tier
16. Green Bay Packers (15)
17. Miami Dolphins, except on Thursday, Sunday and Monday nights (9)
18. Skylar Thompson's fiancée, Bre Newcomer! (NR)
19. Arizona Cardinals (may be sneaky good? 25)
20. Seattle Seahawks (23)
21. Pittsburgh Steelers, only when they get to play Bo Nix and 95-year-old Kirk Cousins (26)
22. New York Jets (thanks, Will Levis! 20)
Man, we have a lot of deceased 90s dads, huh? RIP, James Avery. Sad.
Look, Uncle Phil was pretty iconic back in the day – not so much for being Carlton's dad, but more for being Will's fake dad. James and pre-psycho Will Smith were awesome on screen together, and that one scene where Will's actual dad abandons him is still one of the most gut-wrenching things you'll watch on the TV.
Uncle Phil also had to juggle two wives – actress-wise, not actually in the show – and a daughter who very clearly liked to party. That's no easy. Mix in Will's stupid friend who annoyed the piss out of me, and it was the perfect storm. Kudos to James.
The Packers somehow won a game with Malik Willis, which gives me hope for the Dolphins this weekend. Miami won't win because that franchise is cursed, but at least I have hope.
The Cardinals may be legit and the NFC West is most definitely up for grabs right now. Tiny Kyler is back!
The Steelers are definitely not legit and the AFC North is also very much up for grabs.
Aaron Rodgers so far? Eh. Kinda old.
Bri!!!! (That's my QB1!)
Tier 4: The Dan Conner tier
23. Cincinnati Bengals (16)
24. LA Rams' IR squad (NR)
25. LA Rams' actual squad (14)
26. Las Vegas Raiders, although they cost me hundreds of dollars on Sunday so screw them (31)
27. Atlanta Falcons (28)
28. Indianapolis Colts, minus whoever the idiot was who decided sitting Jonathan Taylor for the entire fourth quarter was a good idea (24)
I loved Roseanne. Still do. It's probably one of my favorite shows, not just of the 90s, but of all time. That's how good it was.
Now, has Roseanne Barr gone a little looney-tunes in 2024? Sure. No argument there. Is John Goodman maybe a little woke? I'd imagine so. They all are.
But, Dan Conner was a rockstar 90s dad for most of the series. Unfortunately, things really went off the rails in the later seasons when Dan had a heart attack, only to return for all of Season 9 – only to then die again at the end when it was revealed that he had been dead the whole time.
See? Off the rails. BUT, he still had to deal with Becky for nine seasons, and she was truly the worst kid in the history of kids. So, for that, he still makes the list.
Bengals are gross right now, which means they'll be hosting the AFC title game in a few months. Duh.
The Rams are cooked and at this point I'd like them to trade Matthew Stafford to the Dolphins.
I had the Ravens in a three-team parlay and I was coasting to an easy payday all day Sunday until the wheels fell off in epic fashion. I hate the Raiders and I really hate Ravens.
PS: if Lamar just continues to run the ball on the last play instead of lateraling it, they probably win.
Colts? Yuck.
Tier 5: The Cliff Huxtable tier
29. Cleveland Browns, naturally in this tier (29)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (21)
31. Trevor Lawrence in his last seven games (NR)
32. Washington Football Team (33)
33. New England Patriots (35)
34. Tennessee Titans, even though the head coach wants to murder the stupid QB (32)
35. Chicago Bears, even though Caleb Williams hasn't even come kind of close to throwing an actual touchdown yet (30)
36. Denver Broncos, who are so bad I forgot to add them originally (34)
37. Texas Longhorns (NR)
38. Texas Roadhouse (NR)
39. Literally any competent high school football team in the state of Texas (NR)
40. New York Giants (41)
41. The Little Giants (NR)
42. Carolina Panthers! (42)
I mean, this one is obvious, right? I don't need to explain why Cliff Huxtable – arguably the most iconic 80s/90s father of all time – is now the bottom of the barrel, right? We all understand. IF you don't, look it up.
Enjoy!
It is sad, though, because The Cosby Show is legitimately funny, and you can't find it anywhere anymore. TV Networks won't touch it with a 10-foot pole. Loved Cliff Huxtable, but creepy Bill Cosby ruined him for everyone. Oh well. As is life.
Watching the Browns-Jags game Sunday made me a dumber person. Those two teams STINK.
Same with Redskins-Giants.
Panthers may actually be the worst team in NFL history, and I sat through the 2007 Miami Dolphins – led by Cleo Lemon.
Cleo Lemon!
Will Levis is must-watch TV at this point.
Trevor Lawrence is NOT:
Have a suggestion for next week’s NFL Power Rankings tiers? Email me at zach.dean@outkick.com.