Kentucky Derby Horse Names Are The Best, And This Year's Crop Is Elite
One of the signs that summer is right around the corner comes on the first weekend in May with the Kentucky Derby.
I love watching the Derby because there's nothing like watching 4 hours of pre-race coverage for a race that takes less time than a commercial break.
Hunter S. Thompson once called it "decadent and depraved" and that's why everyone seems to like it.
READ: THE 150TH KENTUCKY DERBY: PREVIEWING THE RACE, PICKS TO CONSIDER AND THE EXACT BETTING SLIP YOU SHOULD TURN IN
However, I'm not particularly learned in the world of thoroughbred racing. All I know is that any of Bob Baffert's horses usually win and that the names these horses have are fantastic.
That might be my favorite part of the whole shebang.
So, let's grab ourselves a couple of mint juleps and, ladies, throw on your big, stupid hats as we pick the best names from this year's crop of Kentucky competitors.
Honorable Mentions
According to the Kentucky Derby's website, 21 horses will be loaded into the gates at Churchill Downs, which seems like a lot. Are there even enough short guys to ride them?
I don't know, but here are some horse names that are fantastic, but just missed out on cracking win, place, and show.
- Catalytic: I can only think of petty criminals prying catalytic converters off of cars, but it sounds cool.
- Epic Ride: I like the calling-your-shot aspect of this name. Is this going to be a "meh" ride? Hell no, bro, it's going to be epic!
- Just Steel: It's hard to tell if they mean "Only Steel" or "Lawful Steel," but who cares because metal is always badass. *Holds up Ronnie James Dio devil horns*
- Just A Touch: "Just" names were big this year.
I don't think these names are great, but in the interest of identifying trends, there are four names based on geography: Encino (who was scratched), West Saratoga, Sierra Leone, and Dornoch (that's a place in Scotland).
So, if you ever wind up owning a racehorse and can't come up with a name, try cracking open an atlas.
Catching Freedom feels like a very patriotic name for an event that is a slice of Americana unto itself. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)
Show: Catching Freedom
While the very fact that horse racing is referred to as the 'Sport of Kings' feels kind of European, the Kentucky itself feels as American as apple pie, baseball, and of course, freedom.
That's why I love this name. Sure, freedom is an abstract concept, but it's foundational to the United States so why not throw it in a horse's name?
I love it. I think the only more patriotic name would be something like "Uncle Sam's Bald Eagle And Fireworks Extravaganza."
Naming your horse after the villain from an over-rated comedy seems like a risky move, but in Mugatu's case it works. (Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images)
Place: Mugatu
If that sounds familiar, then you're probably a fan of the 2001 average-at-best comedy Zoolander.
It's not my favorite Ben Stiller vehicle — Meet The Parents, Along Came Polly, and Tropic Thunder blow it to smithereens — but it has it's moments. Will Ferrell's character in the film is Jacobim Mugatu.
What I like here is that they went with a semi-recent pop culture reference. That's a fun one for the idiot casual fans like me who hear the name and say, "Mugatu? That's from that movie I don't really care for but will watch if I'm in a hotel room and it's on cable!"
Track Phantom's ghoulish moniker is the best of the bunch this year. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)
Win: Track Phantom
The mere mention of the name "Track Phantom" should have jockeys shaking in their child-sized boots.
It may sounds a bit like Scooby-Doo villain who gets unmasked and turns out to be Old Man Jenkins (it was always Old Man Jenkins), but I love a slightly intimidating horse name. It doesn't need to be anything like "Murder Horse" or "Deathbringer," but Track Phantom is just eerie enough to make you take notice.
This also got me thinking, it's probably a bit hokey, but these horses should have WWE-style entrances. Track Phantom could just copy the Undertaker's homework and it'd be quite the spectacle.
I don't advise you use the best name=race-winner methodology, but if you do, Track Phantom is your guy (I think it's guy, maybe not).