SEC Dominates Sluttiest State Rankings
While some have been quick to pronounce SEC dominance a thing of the past, the website Mandatory decided that the CDC's rates of chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea infection doubled as an index of sluttiness. Some may quibble with that definition given that STD rates of infection correlate with lack of education and poverty -- statistics that SEC states also dominate -- but I felt like Southerners were probably in the mood to boast about regional dominance since the title game just passed without an SEC participant for the first time since 2005.
So while it isn't quite the selection committee's final ranking, the SEC totally dominates in state sluttiness rankings.
1. Mississippi
Hopefully this takes the sting off the bowl losses for Ole Miss and Mississippi State.
2. Alaska
Hey, you gotta stay warm somehow.
Everyone keeps talking about the SEC expanding to 16 teams. Alaska seems like it might be a pretty good cultural fit.
3. Alabama
The Tide would have been left out of the Sluttiness BCS because Alaska snuck it in just in front of them. This would make for some great Finebaum calls. "Alaska ain't screwed nobody Paul."
4. Louisiana
Predictably, Louisiana is just the tip behind Alabama.
5. South Carolina
Before Spurrier got to South Carolina, the Gamecocks were last in the SEC in sluttiness.
6. Arkansas
Bret Bielema topless should get the Razorbacks in the top five most slutty by himself.
7. Georgia
The Bulldogs would have been number one but they Georgia'd the sluttiness rankings by accidentally hanging themselves while masturbating before an orgy.
8. North Carolina
A clear SEC expansion candidate.
9. Illinois
Would have been ranked higher but Barack Obama stopped screwing the state and moved to the nation instead. (I just put this here so people would share this story on Facebook. People on Facebook LOVE OBAMA JOKES).
10. New Mexico
Saul Goodman, what a slut you are!
11. Tennessee
Originally ranked much higher, but then Travis Henry went to prison in Mississippi, singlehandedly changing the sluttiness fortunes of two SEC states.
12. New York
Somehow this will be the police department's fault.
13. Texas
When he saw this list Rick Perry immediately issued a press release pointing out that Texas was number one three times.
16. Missouri
Mizzou fans on Twitter, "Oh, sure, even sex picks against us. How many people do we have to screw to get some respect?"
27. Florida
Huge drop since Urban Meyer stopped recruiting for the Gators.
29. Kentucky
Yep, Kentucky even comes in last in sluttiness.