SEC Dominates Sluttiest State Rankings

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While some have been quick to pronounce SEC dominance a thing of the past, the website Mandatory decided that the CDC’s rates of chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea infection doubled as an index of sluttiness. Some may quibble with that definition given that STD rates of infection correlate with lack of education and poverty — statistics that SEC states also dominate — but I felt like Southerners were probably in the mood to boast about regional dominance since the title game just passed without an SEC participant for the first time since 2005.

So while it isn’t quite the selection committee’s final ranking, the SEC totally dominates in state sluttiness rankings.

1. Mississippi

Hopefully this takes the sting off the bowl losses for Ole Miss and Mississippi State. 

2. Alaska

Hey, you gotta stay warm somehow. 

Everyone keeps talking about the SEC expanding to 16 teams. Alaska seems like it might be a pretty good cultural fit. 

3. Alabama

The Tide would have been left out of the Sluttiness BCS because Alaska snuck it in just in front of them. This would make for some great Finebaum calls. “Alaska ain’t screwed nobody Paul.” 

4. Louisiana

Predictably, Louisiana is just the tip behind Alabama. 

5. South Carolina

Before Spurrier got to South Carolina, the Gamecocks were last in the SEC in sluttiness. 

6. Arkansas

Bret Bielema topless should get the Razorbacks in the top five most slutty by himself. 

7. Georgia

The Bulldogs would have been number one but they Georgia’d the sluttiness rankings by accidentally hanging themselves while masturbating before an orgy. 

8. North Carolina

A clear SEC expansion candidate. 

9. Illinois

Would have been ranked higher but Barack Obama stopped screwing the state and moved to the nation instead. (I just put this here so people would share this story on Facebook. People on Facebook LOVE OBAMA JOKES).

10. New Mexico

Saul Goodman, what a slut you are!

11. Tennessee

Originally ranked much higher, but then Travis Henry went to prison in Mississippi, singlehandedly changing the sluttiness fortunes of two SEC states. 

12. New York

Somehow this will be the police department’s fault. 

13. Texas

When he saw this list Rick Perry immediately issued a press release pointing out that Texas was number one three times.  

16. Missouri

Mizzou fans on Twitter, “Oh, sure, even sex picks against us. How many people do we have to screw to get some respect?”

27. Florida

Huge drop since Urban Meyer stopped recruiting for the Gators. 

29. Kentucky

Yep, Kentucky even comes in last in sluttiness. 

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021.

One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines.

Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide.

Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports.

Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.