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Ranking the Hotness of SEC Coaches

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Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written anything….seems like Clay is hogging all the time on here!  That, and I haven’t really had anything worth saying that hadn’t already been said (much better) by someone else.
However, with the SEC quarterbacks dropping like flies, I believe it’s time to create a new Hotness Ranking – but this time, for the head coaches. I figure these are the guys with a little more longevity. Except for maybe Joker Phillips.

Sorry, man.
 

The Head Honchos of college football have a lot going for them – fame, fortune, and in most cases, talent. But what about looks? Just like the boys they coach, these men have varying levels of hotness. Some look like they belong on the cover of GQ, while at least one looks like he would fit in better as a zombie dancer in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video.
 

When I rated the SEC quarterbacks, the guys were graded based on their official team picture to keep things relatively fair. This time, I’ve gone through Google Images to pick out the photos of the coaches that either made me swoon, cringe, or laugh out loud. There’s no fairness and a lot of partiality, but it’s my article so I don’t care. 🙂
 

Ladies and gentlemen, in no particular order, I give you the Coaches of the SEC.

Vanderbilt – James Franklin

This 39 year old coach for the Commodores caught my eye a few weeks ago during the Vandy-Bama game. I guess I’d never paid much attention to anyone on the Vanderbilt side of the ball, but Mr. Franklin made me stop and stare at the TV. It’s no secret that I love a shaved head – my own husband is what I’ve called “BBC” – no, not that one, bald by choice. (Well, that’s half true. He has a great horse-shoe going on if he doesn’t shave it. Which is precisely why he shaves it). I’m also a big fan of Franklin’s “not just pretending to be a smart guy” glasses and perfectly straight pearly whites. He’s rumored to have a fantastic, dynamic personality and a great relationship with his players.

All in all, Franklin definitely does it for me.

Overall Score: 8.5
 

Florida – Will Muschamp

In this particular photo, ol’ Will is totally rockin the Sleazy Guy At The Bar look. “Hey baby, I’ve got a spot on my team for a good tight end. Heh heh heh.” While definitely not a bad looking dude, Muschamp loses some points for that hairdo; he looks like he’s channeling Elvis. I do love watching Will coach because of the tenacity with which he leads, and the ferocity with which he chews some serious referee ass. In last week’s game against Auburn, he dropped no less than 10 audible f-bombs following a truly bad call by the refs, making me grin and whoop at the whole spectacle. I give him a 6 based on looks alone, but higher if I consider coaching style. He also scores mega props for his smokin’ hot wife – yeah, I Googled her too.

Overall Score: 8
 

Ole Miss – Houston Nutt

One word: Creeper. Not only does he look eerily similar to my 9th grade biology teacher, he just plain gives me the willies. I don’t have much to say about him — other than I bet his Google searches would get him beheaded in Iran — because I don’t want to have to look at that picture any longer.

Overall Score: 3.

Mississippi State – Dan Mullen

(Are college football coaches the last adults who get 4th grade yearbook photos taken every year? Who takes these photos?)

Anyway, while I’m still thinking about Mississippi, might as well go ahead and talk about MSU’s main man. Much like the Bulldog’s football program, Dan Mullen is very boring. At first glance, one might think “Not bad, not bad.” Then you look more closely and realize you haven’t switched to HD yet. Don’t get me wrong – Mullen is decent looking, but there’s nothing about him that stands out in any way. If vanilla is your flavor, a Mullen Milkshake — ewww gross — would be the way to go.

Plus, I keep picturing him saying, “I bet they don’t do this in Oxford.”
 

Overall Score: 5. Blah.


Georgia – Mark Richt
 

I lived in Atlanta from 2008 to 2009 and was forced to see Mark Richt’s face just about everywhere. It’s a good thing he’s nice looking! Richt and his wife, Katharyn, did local commercials in which Mark looked like he’d rather be tied to the back of his truck and dragged a mile down a cobblestone street than be promoting that store. I feel bad for him this season, as he’s under the microscope and his job is definitely on the line. Richt is a nice looking guy who has been described by coaching great Bobby Bowden as “an amazing man. Truly wonderful.” As a girl grows up, she starts to realize that the bad boy will always be a pain in the ass, but that Good Guys are few and far between. I’d probably rate Coach Richt as a 7 for having a nice looking face and cute smile lines around his eyes, but I’m gonna bump him up due to his inner niceness that everyone always raves about. (But not too high because he also seems like the kind of guy who insists on the missionary position because he doesn’t want to upset God).  

Overall Score: 8.
 

South Carolina – Steve Spurrier

Moving northward, you’ll find Columbia’s very own Crypt Keeper lurking around the campus of USC. I mean, seriously, I watch South Carolina games to see if Steve Spurrier makes it through them without keeling over dead on the sidelines. That, and to hear people yell “Go Cocks” so I can giggle like a 12 year old. I realize Spurrier is a mere 66 years old, but he looks like the very definition of the Southern term ‘rode hard and put up wet’ – just plain BAD. With Halloween coming up, if you wore a Spurrier mask, you’d be guaranteed to win the Scariest Costume award at any party you’d attend. I’ve honestly hated the man since he was the coach at Florida, and I guess some things never change.
 

Overall Score for the host of Tales from the Crypt: 2.
 

Kentucky – Joker Phillips

Joseph “Joker” Phillips has by far the coolest nickname of any SEC coach. In the picture I found, he indeed appears to be sharing an inside joke with himself, having one of those “I’m laughing but probably shouldn’t be” moments. (This happened to me at church lately. Someone was talking about having “layers”, and I cracked up – all I could think of was the line from Shrek about how onions have layers. This is what happens to Moms. I should get out more). I like the mischevious look in Phillips’ eye, like he might have a little something up his sleeve that could propel Kentucky to a winning season. Or…maybe not.
 

Overall Score based on looks: 6.5.

Looks plus awesome nickname: 7.
 

Arkansas – Bobby Petrino

Let’s just go ahead and face it – the man’s a Hog. I have a hard time taking anyone seriously who wears shirts with tusked pigs embroidered on them and routinely yells “Pig Su-ey”. In many of the pictures that popped up on Google Images, Petrino was red-faced and screaming. Not his best look. He rarely seems happy; but I guess if I had to live in Fayetteville I might be a little pissy too. I have a hard time rating anything Arkansas-related higher than a 6, even if it were deserved. So I’ll give Mr. Petrino a 4 and continue along.

Overall Score: 4
 

Auburn – Gene Chizik
 

He coaches at a “cow college”, so it’s only fitting that every time I see him on television, Chizik is smacking some gum like a cow chewing it’s cud. I was one of the many that wondered what the hell Auburn was thinking when they hired him, but with a national championship quickly under his belt, he’s proven himself to be a worthy coach and excellent recruiter. He’s got a distinguished-type look to him that’s appealing and intriguing. If he’d ditch the gum, those horrid turtlenecks, and the leather jacket I’d definitely describe him as a nice-looking man.

Overall Score: 6.
 

Tennessee – Derek Dooley

Maybe it’s just me, but I really can’t see what all the fuss is about. Girlfriends of mine carry on about Dooley and how incredibly hot he is, but I don’t get it. He’s got perfectly coiffed hair and a slick smile, so I see him more as a politician than a football coach. Dooley does look good in Big Orange, which I have to say is a difficult color to pull off. I do like the dark hair and eyes, but I’m still not bowled over by him. If I had to pick one coach to drool over in the Volunteer State, I’d still go with Vanderbilt’s Franklin.

Overall Score: 7.5
 

Alabama – Nick Saban

What can I say about St. Nick? He’s the little coach with the big personality and ever-present man-boobs. In the movie “The Blind Side,” Sandra Bullock’s character described Saban as “a handsome man.” I’m not sure I’d go that far. While it is nice to see him smile more this season than in the past, he’s still a fiery guy with a Napoleonic complex. I’m not a fan of the straw hat; I also wonder if he intentionally fluffs up his hair to make it look like he’s got more than he wants to admit. He talks with his hands entirely too much, and some of his clothing choices are questionable. However, he IS the coach at my alma mater, and I must now tell one of my favorite Bama stories. When the LSU athletic director first heard of Bama’s inking a deal with Saban in 2007, he called UA’s AD Mal Moore and said “You know Nick Saban is a son-of-a-bitch, right?” Moore paused for a second, laughed and said “Yeah well – he’s OUR son-of-a-bitch now!”

It is in this mindset that I score Saban based on the fact that he may not be the hottest coach out there, but he’s “mine.”

Overall Score: 7
 

LSU – Les Miles

Last but certainly not least, is LSU head coach Les Miles. It took me a long time to figure out who Miles reminded me of, but it hit me last weekend during the LSU-UT game – he looks a lot like actor Michael Rooker, who played Brandi’s dad “Mr. Svenning” in the 1995 Kevin Smith cult-fav movie Mallrats. Remember him? The guy that got “stink-palmed” by Jason Lee and threw up after eating a chocolate covered pretzel?? Ah well. Miles is the fearless leader of the Buyou Bengal Tigers and though he’s been at the University since 2005 has still not learned to spell the word “Go” correctly. Les is a pretty good looking 58 year old man, even if he does wear that tacky purple and gold. He’s got a larger-than-life persona and his coaching is a force to be reckoned with. Several years ago, I dubbed him Miles the Magician for his uncanny ability to pull Magic Plays out of his ass and win games at the last second. This year, he has lead the Tigers to an impressive #1 BCS and AP ranking, and it seems as though the game between LSU and Alabama on November 5th will be it’s own version of the National Championship. I plan to waddle around Tuscaloosa that day in all my pregnant glory to attend both the game and College Gameday. I also want to take a sign to GameDay that says “Hey Les – See the grass? Don’t eat it.” Either that, or maybe one reading “Excuse me, Les – Would YOU like a chocolate covered pretzel?”        

Overall Score: 7

(Editor’s note: Due to a technical issue, this article was previously attributed to Clay Travis. The byline has been corrected.)

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.

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