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A few weeks back our own Meredith Hornsby wrote a thought provoking piece on the hotness of the SEC quarterbacks. It’s a very funny column that’s worth another read, but it also made me a little sad on the inside. Why do QB’s get all of the attention ALL of the time? Why doesn’t anyone care enough to rank the hotness of the most un-appreciated member of the football universe, the punter? And why are my calves so muscular and defined?
Not all questions can be easily answered.
But I can do something for the punter’s of the world. I want to give them the attention they so deserve… well, maybe not deserve. I mean, they are just punters after all. But I can at least give them a brief moment in the sun.
And I won’t be ranking the hotness of SEC punters. I feel like even the punters in SEC country get adulation and respect. Nope, I’ll be looking out West for my punters… in a land where they don’t live and breathe college football. A place where families don’t shoot each other after an Alabama/ LSU game. I’m talking about the Pac 12.
So here is the hotness of Pac 12 punters ranked on the mathematical scale of 1 to Reggie Roby. It’s science.
Is Darragh a handsome fella? I guess so. But how awesome is his name? He must be the king of St. Patrick’s Day. The only way his name could be more Irish is if it was Guinness McCarbomb. I’m pretty sure that if he ever moved back to Ireland they’d make him a King. I like to think his boys all hang around him talking in their worst Irish accents “Aye, Darragh… You’ve stolen me lucky charms again, ya have! Get me another pint of Guiness ya gobshite ye!”
I really wish I knew Darragh O’Neill.
Ranking – 7… actually make it an 8 for the name (On a hotness to punting scale this makes him the worst punter in the Colquitt Family of Punters.)
He has a name like a porn-star pizza delivery man. Either that or he’s an insurance agent.
“Hello. My name is Sean and I’d like to talk to you about your insurance needs.” I’d say Sean’s a pretty good looking dude actually. But before you ladies get too excited, he’s most likely a Mormon which means either A.) He’s already married with a kid and twins on the way, or B.) He’s not married, but he can’t fool around with you outside of wedlock or he’ll be kicked off the team. Either way, the only “wood” you’re going to see of Sean’s is in his last name! OH! (rimshot)
Ranking – 9 (Shane Lechler on the punting scale)
How old is Kyle? He looks like he just got back from the Battle of the Bulge. (Insert Sean Sellwood double entendre joke here).
Either that or Kevin Arnold’s dad from Wonder Years.
The red blazer makes it virtually impossible to rate Kyle’s level of hotness… But I bet he could get a job working for Lionel Hutz!
Sidenote – Kris Albarado might be the starting punter for USC, but he’s not pictured on the roster page so I can’t really judge him.
Ranking – 4 (Brad Maynard bad)
Let me tell you this girls… Jeff Locke looks like real a neato guy. Like the kind of guy who would never fib on his tax returns, he remembers your mom’s birthday and sends her a card every year, he has a respectable job, probably drives a Subaru Outback… a really good guy… A great catch… Who you’ll leave for the first roided out asshole you meet with a motorcycle and an Affliction T-shirt. (Sigh) When will good guys catch a break, Jeff Locke?
Ranking – 6.5 (Brett Kern)
Arizona State Sun Devils:
Josh Hubner is a hulking specimen of a punter. He’s 6’4″ 240 lbs and runs a 4.6 forty… and he’s a punter? I’d make some jokes about why a dude who’s that big and that fast ends up as a punter, but I’m pretty sure that Hubner could kick my ass. Then when I’d try to run away he’d catch up to me and kick my ass again. And getting your ass kicked twice by a punter is not a story that impresses women… or anyone for that matter. So Josh, I’m going on record as saying you are an incredibly handsome man. A true Roman God among mortals.
10+ (Reggie Roby!!)
“Hi! My name is Kyle! I am SUPER excited for our date! I haven’t taken my Ritalin today but I think I’ll be OK OH MY GOD THEY HAVE PINBALL AT THIS RESTAURANT!!”
I’d say Kyle’s a fairly good looking guy, but he looks like his ADD might get the best of him at times.
Ranking – 7 (Daniel Sepulveda. Not too shabby)
Two last names? Yep. All-American boyish good looks? Yep. Bama bangs? Yep. How is Jackson Rice not the punter for Alabama? He’d be killing it down there! His bio says he’s from California, but for some reason I can’t help but think he speaks with a Southern drawl.
Ranking – 9 – (Tom Rouen)
Oregon State Beavers:
Wow. If Chris Kaman and Andy Dalton had a love-child it would be Johnny Hecker.
4- (Tom Landry… in his punting days)
Washington State Cougars:
I don’t know if Wagner is actually the Cougars punter or not. He’s the only punter listed on the roster, he hasn’t punted in a game since 2008 and played one series as a QB in 2009. Look guys, I don’t have all the punting answers in the world… What am I, a Pac 12 punting encyclopedia or something? If you’re so smart YOU tell me who Washington State’s starting punter is!! Oh yeah, the hotness thing… he’s like a 6 or 7 or something…
Ranking – 6.5 (Jeff Feagles)
Kiel Rasp looks pretty darn pissed off to be having his picture taken, doesn’t he? His name is awesome too, it makes him sound like a Bond villain. And chicks are into dangerous dudes, so that has to raise his hotness score a couple notches, right ladies? Are any ladies even reading this? Maybe he’s still upset about Kurt Cobain? Nope, I’m going with the dangerous name and a dark past… he’s a 7.5.
Ranking – 7.5 (Matt Turk)
David’s a Stanford man… he looks sharp in a suit, smart as hell, I’m willing to bet he’ll end up being your boss one day. So you want to get your hooks in him now, ladies. This man’s star is rising. And when he’s a billionaire technology mogul, you can divorce him and get half his money!
Ranking – 8 (Chris Kluwe)
California Golden Bears:
Bryan’s not a bad looking guy aside from the fact that he’s already bald at 21. He looks like he’s probably fun to hang out with, he’s probably got some good weed, you might have to put up with some bongo playing and constant Dave Matthews Band live bootlegs on the iPod, but you could do worse. Or maybe I’m just stereotyping him because of the fact that he goes to Berkeley. But I… nope, I’m definitely doing the stereotype thing. Which I think is OK in this case.
Ranking – 7 (Todd Sauerbrun)
So it looks like Josh Hubner is the winner with the only Reggie Roby score in the conference. Congratulations ASU! I’m pretty sure this victory can get Dennis Erickson off the hot-seat.