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If you’re like me, you’ve been inundated lately with very serious stories of scandals, violations, and other annoying things like, y’all know…the economy potentially collapsing, debt ceilings and…stuff. As much as I’d love to do a piece on who the next Cam Newton will be or who was given a free suit under what circumstances, I need something a little lighter to think about right now.
Being pregnant, I have found myself with overactive hormones these days. So when I was reading a story about Stephen Garcia’s troubles on and off the field, I was captivated by a picture of him that accompanied the article. He was smokin’ — hot that is. (Despite reports of Garcia doing anything and everything you can imagine, I found no pics of him smoking anything else). Since I do have pumped-up hormones and I am a woman, I did what any other stalker – er, fan – would do and “Google-Imaged” him. The array of photos that popped up from my search of “Stephen Garcia, South Carolina” was impressive to say the least. They were also quite a let-down as I discovered that the picture from the article was not a new one, but an old one in which he actually looked attractive.
Because let me tell you, if you look at a recent pic of him, he looks B. A. D. It’s unbelievable what an alleged life of partying and excess will do to deterriorate not only your ability to play football but also to your looks. (I’m looking at you Alabama (sorority insult here).)
With that, I decided to go on a Google-Image crusade, looking up each and every one of this season’s QB’s in the SEC. If you came here looking for passing/rushing stats, I hate to disappoint. For the time being, I’d like to focus on another aspect of football’s Main Men…their hotness. Below are my findings, my own rankings, and even a few tips for improving their scores. To standardize my hotness rankings I used their official team pictures, which is the only fair way to do this since otherwise these guys all have hundreds of images to choose from.
With that, we’re off.
Bama is looking at a two quarterback system this year, splitting time between AJ McCarron and Phillip Sims. McCarron is an absolute cutie-patootie, but he looks like he’s 12. He also sports one of the most God-awful tattoos on the planet: read Hayley Frank’s assessment of this tattoo monstrosity here.
Based on the fact that the tattoo is really, really bad and I’m not a pedophile, I’m forced to score AJ no higher than a 7.
Phillip Sims is a hard one to figure out. He already hates me based on an earlier Twitter battle in which I called him out for some Tweets I believed to be less than above-bar, and in turn he told me to crawl back to the cave I came from.
Based on this, and the fact that in my own previous article I quoted Thumper’s “if you can’t say something nice…” line, I have decided to refrain from rating Mr. Sims altogether.
Final Scores: AJ McCarron- 7. Phillip Sims – Not Ranked
Barrett Trotter has an impressive white-man’s-fro going on. With a haircut and some attention paid to those Groucho Marx eyebrows, he’d probably be an 8. But all that hair distracts me from adequately scoring him, so he gets a 6 in my book. I would, however, like to say kudos to his parents for giving him a great Loudspeaker Name. “Pass completed by Barrett Trotter,” sounds pretty stellar echoing on a loudspeaker PA.
Tips for improvement: get a haircut and locate a pair of tweezers.
Final Score – 6.
Yeah. Tyler Wilson is pretty dreamy. The only thing I can find wrong with him that knocks him down a peg is that he’s in Arkansas where a romantic night out includes the line, “Let’s stop at Wal-Mart first.’
Tip for improvement: transfer to Alabama so I can look at you more.
Final Score – 9.
John Brantley is a darn good-lookin’ guy. If you do a Google-Image search, you’ll see a variety of pictures of him over the last couple of years. He loses 2 points because I found evidence of Bama Bangs and he’s a Florida QB. However, he regains a point for these reasons: 1) His official pic shows an adorable dimple in his left cheek and 2) he backed Timmy the Great and deserves a bump for forever being deemed Not-As-Good-As-Tim-Tebow.
Final Score – 9.
Aaron Murray’s pictures are quite conflicting. In some, he looks downright delectable. In others, he looks like the boy you accidentally made out with at a frat party because you drunkenly thought he was someone else. He automatically loses points because let’s face it, if you’ve EVER had a Jim Carrey “Dumb and Dumber” haircut, there is no way you can be scored higher than a 7. Period. While there are plenty of other pics of Murray showing off some cute-ness, there are also some in which he looks like a lost Jonas Brother.
Tip for improvement: Never do the Dumb and Dumber straight-across-cut again.
Final Score: 6 1/2.
In his official team picture, UK’s Morgan Newton looks like a kindergartener with a forced half-smile, whining “Do I HAVE to get my picture taken?” For this, he gets a 6. Upon further investigation, I found some pics in which he appears to be rather hot, showing off some gleaming pearly-whites and a confident, friendly smile that makes him a solid 9. In averaging the 2 scores, he comes out with a decent ranking and a better score than Kentucky’s put up in most games the past few years.
Tip for improvement: keep the smile plastered on that good-lookin’ face!
Final Score: 7 1/2.
Jordan Jefferson may be cute, but he plays for LSU. My first collegiate football game was the 1993 Alabama-LSU match-up, and for reasons dating back to that particular game, I cannot rank him higher than a 7. I realize it’s been 18 years, but I hold grudges. Plus, you know he smells like a corndog.
Final Score: 7.
Dear Chris Relf: You do play for MSU, but really, is life so bad? (Okay, maybe that was a rhetorical question). In your picture, you look absolutely miserable — like you just realized you’ve chosen to live in Starkville on purpose — and therefore score a measley 5.
Tip for improvement: MSU is predicted to be an upset-team this year, this means your bowl trip could get you away from Starkville for a week. So perk up and smile!
Final Score: 5
The swinging door of quarterbacks at Ole Miss has made this part particularly difficult, because when I started working on this piece no one knew exactly who would be at the helm of the politically correct Rebel Black Bears this fall. It seems as though Barry Brunetti has won out, so he’s the one I researched. Maybe if he EVER smiled, Brunetti might rank higher on my list, but Google-Images returned not one single picture of this boy with even a hint of a grin. He’s got these puppy-dog eyes and just looks so SAD! (But thank goodness Nathan Stanley transferred last month. I have no idea what I would have said about him except that he has possibly the most horrifying hair I’ve ever seen. Seriously, look it up.)
Brunetti’s Final Score: 6.5.
Oh, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. As you were the inspiration for this discussion, one would hope you’d rank high up on the list. Unfortunately, I believe you might be high on everything else. There is exactly one picture (from Rivals.com) in which he looks freakin’ hot, and would snag an impressive 9 in the scores. There are even some where he looks relatively attractive and might get a 6 or 7. And then there are others where he looks like a cross between a caveman and a wooly mammoth and is clearly a 2. It’s amazing what a haircut and shave will do for a guy’s looks. After much debate, I averaged the 9, 6.5, and 2 to compute his overall number.
Final Score: 5.833333
When I first searched for pics of UT’s Tyler Bray, I was going to immediately deem him worthy of a pathetic 4 for that pissed-off expression that seems to be permenantly on his face. Life on good ole’ Rocky Top might not have been so sweet lately, but that doesn’t mean you should look like you want to beat everyone’s face in. Bray’s team picture saves him, since he actually flashes a smile. However, that 70s-style haircut causes him to lose a point or two.
Final Score: 5.
Ahh, Vandy. Always last but not…well, sometimes cliches are accurate, least. Vanderbilt’s Larry Smith is another one in the “refuses to smile” group. I know the Commodores went 2 – 10 last season and Larry Smith’s pass completion percentage was somewhere around 25%, but he should at least crack a smile for stealing a scholarship from Vandy. He scores a 4.5 based on the official team picture because he looks downright angry, but he earns back 2 points for at least giving off the appearance of intelligence by attending the SEC’s only “Southern Ivy” school.
At least he’ll have an actual degree to use when his football throwin’ days are over.
Final Score: 6.5
Congratulations to John Brantley and Tyler Wilson for winning my first annual SEC Quarterback Ranking. Now I want your opinions – do you agree or disagree? And here’s a challenge if you’re up to it: Who are the hottest quarterbacks outside of the SEC?
Regardless of the outcome of this particular poll, I can’t wait to see these guys in action – and it’s less than 30 days til kickoff.
My hormones are swirling. Hopefully the Gators and Hogs wear white pants.
(Editor’s note: Due to a technical issue, this article was previously attributed to Clay Travis. The byline has been corrected.)