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It was considered the Super Bowl of Tabloid TV. The interview women around the world were waiting for and demanding. The tell-all that would bring shock and awe. An interview that historians will look back on for the next 100 years and beyond. Meghan Markle vs. the crown. Prince Harry vs. the firm. Grandma vs. a rogue grandson. Royal insiders vs. the actress looking to make Netflix deals.
Add it all up and you had the NBA All-Star Game being absolutely destroyed in the ad rate battle. Front Office Sports reported a 30-second ad for Prince Harry and Meghan’s sitdown with Oprah went for $325,000 vs. $185,000 for a 30-second ASG spot. CBS paid Oprah at least $7 million and possibly up to $9 million for the sitdown. Advertising demand forced CBS’s hand, and they begrudgingly extended the interview, which included multiple useless shots of the couple’s rescued chickens enjoying their life out back of Harry’s garage, to two hours to handle the barrage of brands wanting in on the gossipy action.
The cost of a 30-second ad:
NBA All-Star Game = $185,000
Oprah's interview with Meghan and Harry = $325,000 pic.twitter.com/45up3BqSbL
— Front Office Sports (@FOS) March 8, 2021
Meanwhile, the poor NBA was over on TNT trying to get through an All-Star Game the players didn’t want in the first place, playing for an audience of wokes waiting to see which highlight they want to buy on Top Shots.
Why do humans care about the royals? It’s pretty simple, really. Money, power, fame, jealousy, glitz, glamour, fairy tales, movies, and PBS shows you don’t watch until you’re 70. It’s one giant soap opera they’re living for human enjoyment while the family Hoover vacs incredible riches to keep the machine churning along as it has for 1,209 years, so the story goes.
Fast-forward to the 20teens and along comes this independent American mixed-race actress with a crazy father, who’s dating a prince that might actually be the biological son of a cavalry officer in the British Army who some say was banging Harry’s mom on the side.
Here’s how this guy in Ohio who has done little-to-no research on the royals sees all of this:
• Let’s be honest here, the royals at the top aren’t sure they’re down with a mixed-race woman coming aboard the ship that’s been humming along for 1,200 years. This is a new frontier for a family that has been so white for so long.
• But they tolerate Meghan to a point. Get married, make some headlines and then fall in line. You’re never going to sit on the throne, just sit back and stay quiet. Listen to what you’re told and don’t ask too many questions.
• The independent American woman refuses to play ball for the Queen mum. Is she a pain in the ass? Of course.
• The royals sic the tabloids on Meghan to get her ass in line with how things are going to go.
• She starts freaking out and has suicidal thoughts. The royal human resources department told her to lay low to prevent more headlines.
• Harry’s starting to freak out because his wife’s flipping TF out. He just wants to crush some beers, save some war-torn countries and maybe go on a safari for Spring Break. But things aren’t good with his (alleged) father Prince Charles and his brother because Meghan’s a pain in the ass.
• While all of this is going on, Harry and Meghan are banging and looking to start a family. At some point amongst all the royal banging, someone in his family — he refuses to tell Oprah who it was — has a conversation with him about what the mixed-race baby will look like.
• S–t hits the fan. This family, which included King Henry VIII and his two beheaded wives, has crossed the line. Meghan’s fully pissed and Harry knows he has to get them out of there to get some peace and quiet. He’s tired of being miserable. The wife is out of her mind. They end up in Canada.
• Meanwhile, the royal family tightens the grip even further. Get your ass in line or else you lose royal protection. Harry’s already left town. He can’t get in line or his wife’s going to take everything his mother left to him. He’s stuck.
• The ‘VID starts its reign of terror and leads Harry to get his family U-Haul across the Canadian border before he’s stuck with socialized healthcare.
Prince Harry confirm uh that his dad Prince Charles isn't taking his calls all because he wanted help and to ease his mental health burden whatwhatwhat. #HarryandMeghanonOprah #OprahMeghanHarry #MeghanAndHarry pic.twitter.com/irriExz3ES
— Courtney Theriault (@cspotweet) March 8, 2021
• Harry has to get a job in order to pay for security, so he and Meghan start floating the idea of a tell-all to make some coin.
• Some financially insecure woman named Oprah comes along and says she’ll get their story out there to the world.
Prince Harry clearly needs to tie one on at a normal guy’s garage with a bunch of other normal guys listening to Classic Rock Pandora.
— Joe Kinsey (@JoeKinseyexp) March 8, 2021
• They invite her to meet their rescued chickens and promise to reveal the sex of their baby to be delivered this summer. Oprah’s in.
• BOOM, they get lawn chairs out and make women around the world lose their minds.
And that’s how the NBA ad rates were shoved into a locker on a Sunday in March. The royals Hoover vac’d a bunch of money just as they have been doing for over 1,200 years. It’s just another day for this dominant franchise.
DO MEGHAN & HARRY hit up Costco on Saturdays like the working class or do they go on Tuesday afternoons like the white hairs.
Ask it @Oprah
— Joe Kinsey (@JoeKinseyexp) March 8, 2021