Per Google: America Hates Everyone, Especially the Sports Media
Yesterday a reader emailed me a fun story about the most common word searched in relation to a state. (Thanks Andrea).
Simply search any state with this phrase, "Why is (insert state here) so," and allow Google autocorrect to fill in the most common answer.
Arkansas, Kentucky, and South Carolina are all poor and Louisiana and Tennessee are racist. Alabama, perhaps benefiting from a run of football dominance, gets "good."
These results get even more fun when you add in football. "Why is Kentucky football," leads to an autofill of "so bad?"
Stop laughing, Tennessee fans, it happens for y'all too.
I love picturing the kind of person who is searching for life's answers on Google, but it also got me wondering, what does autofill look like for me and others? Are Internet searchers really this mean? So I went to Google and put in, "Clay Travis is..." and four top results popped up:
1. an idiot
2. a douche
3. a moron
4. a troll
Google searchers hate me.
Which I found hysterical.
But was it just me or do Google searchers hate everyone? So I immediately started plugging in other members of the sports media to see what their results were.
Did Google autofill like anyone?
I first put in Jason Whitlock, who is one of my favorite columnists to read, because I figured he'd get lit up by Google.
I was right.
Jason Whitlock is:
1. a racist
2. a moron
3. an idiot
4. a big fat idiot
Oh, this was going to be fun.
How about Darren Rovell is:
1. the worst
2. a racist
3. a douche
4. an idiot
What about my favorite guy in all of sports media, Tony Kornheiser?
Tony Kornheiser is...
1. a douchebag
2. Bill Simmons uncle
3. a brony
4. back
A brony! (That's a man who likes "My Little Pony.")
Well if Bill Simmons is included in Tony Kornheiser's searches, what about Simmons, the most read columnist on the Internet?
Bill Simmons is...
1. a joke
2. awful
3. a jerk
4. a moron
What about my buddy Paul Finebaum?
1. an idiot
2. a racist
3. a douche
4. a jerk
What about my favorite college football announcer, Uncle Verne Lundquist:
1. terrible
2. an idiot
3. a douche
4. horrible
Okay, so Uncle Verne gets roasted, how about Kirk Herbstreit, a guy I've heard very little criticism of?
Kirk Herbstreit is:
1. he married
2. an idiot
3. a douche
4. a whining little girl
Let's try some coaches.
How about Nick Saban?
1. the devil
2. a jerk
3. a liar
4. from
"Nick Saban is the devil." is the top result!
Les Miles is...
1. an idiot
2. a moron
3. crazy
4. insane
It's Super Bowl week and Peyton Manning is the most famous player.
Peyton Manning is...
1. the best
2. a douche
3. a choker
4. he married
So then I switched gears and went with a TV guy that I've never heard anyone say anything bad about, ESPN's Scott Van Pelt.
Turns out, Google hates Scott Van Pelt too:
1. a douche
2. annoying
3. an idiot
4. a jerk
What about God's servant Tim Tebow, surely Google loves him, right?
1. a virgin
2. done
3. the antichrist
4. an idiot
Tebow's a virginal antichrist? That's a tough combo.
What about Jesus, he's pretty well liked.
What about "Jesus is..."
1. the reason for the season
2. savior
3. just alright
4. God
Number three is my new favorite result.
What about the President?
I went with a simple "Obama is" search because I figured most people couldn't spell Barack correctly:
1. a liar
2. gay
3. an idiot
4. a muslim
It looks like I've got White House company in the gay Muslim brigade!
After all this searching for men, all of whom were hated, I decided to go with women in the sports media.
I picked women I'm friends with and started with "Charissa Thompson is":
1. hot
2. she married
3. dating
4. annoying
Then Erin Andrews:
1. dating
2. ugly
3. hot
4. she married
But Tracy Wolfson's made me erupt in laughter:
1. hot
2. black
3. is she black
4. ugly
I love picturing the men at home on their computers Googling the marital status of attractive women on television. You know, just in case they ever run into each other.
Women aren't hated as much, but they're objectified more.
Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is this -- and I know you'll accept it because you are pretending to work right now while reading Outkick -- find me a man on Google with entirely positive fill-ins after his name.
Is there any man on earth that Google likes?
Even Jesus was "just alright." (Edit: Crowd Goes Wild's Kate Nolan told me this is a song and totally ruined what would have been an awesome joke).
Can you find anyone?
Or does America hate every man -- and most women -- on the Internet.
We need four positive autofill terms.
Post your results below -- this will be fun.