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Full disclosure: I don’t know much about Blake Lively except she’s really hot and she had a threesome with Tim Riggins in some movie about drugs. And after watching the scene I wasn’t sure whether I was more jealous of Blake or Tim. Also, she married Ryan Reynolds and I’m pretty confident that their children are going to be much better looking than yours and mine.
Also, last night I went to see the new Captain America movie — I’m ashamed to admit that I had to ask my wife what was going on with the plot because I hadn’t seen the previous two Avenger movies and was confused; this is new intellectual low for me, replacing my previous intellectual low which was my idea that you should be able to step off an airplane right before it crashed and you’d be okay — and Blake Lively is in a new summer movie where a big shark tries to kill her while she stands on a rock for two hours. Evidently the rock gets covered up by the rising tide and no one notices Lively standing on a rock in a bikini for an entire day while a huge shark circles her and night falls. I doubt this is true because it’s impossible for people not to notice a hot girl in a bikini no matter where she is. But I think you can all admit that it’s impossible not to go see a movie that features a hot girl in a bikini on a slowly sinking rock while a large shark circles her. I already went on Fandango and got my tickets for opening night.
Anyway, I digress.
Yesterday Blake Lively posted a picture of herself in a dress where she said she had an LA face and an Oakland booty. You probably recognize that line if you have ever heard the immortal Sir Mix-A-Lot rap song “Baby Got Back.”
In fact, if I like you at all, you have probably sang this song while drinking heavily.
Her comment is A DIRECT QUOTE FROM A RAP SONG and, to be honest, it’s pretty funny for something on Instagram, since Instagram primarily exists as an online repository for people to misspell the word amazing.
Now some black women are accusing her of culturally appropriating big asses. I wish I was joking. And Jezebel, and lots of other PC bro sites online, are accusing her of being racist.
“While Lively’s caption is most likely a nod to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s bar-mitzvah staple “Baby Got Back,” which includes lyrics that match Lively’s caption, it’s still problematic. In the end, it touts a diametrical opposition: that Los Angeles can be equated to elegance and/or beauty (read: whiteness), and that Oakland is its foil (read: blackness).”
THIS IS NOT WHAT THE SONG MEANS AT ALL.
It means that LA girls have hot faces and Oakland girls aren’t as hot, but have great asses. The ideal girl would, then according to wordsmith Sir Mix-A-Lot, have an LA face and an Oakland booty.
HE WANTS HIS PERFECT GIRL TO HAVE BOTH A PRETTY FACE AND A GREAT ASS.
So like all great American men before him he’s being inclusive of great asses and pretty faces. Sir Mix-A-Lot doesn’t say so in this song, but I’m also guessing he likes boobs and sex.
It’s come to this, I’m out here in these Internet streets having to battle PC bros over what rap lyrics mean now.
Presently the Twitter PC bro tsunami has everyone out here ripping Blake Lively for being racist.
Including this Tweet, which is by the far the best Tweet possible pointing out how racist Blake Lively is, because it says she’s racist for getting married at a plantation that still has slave cabins. Really. I’m going to miss those Egyptian pyramids so much once we tear them down. Slave labor and all.
Following this Tweet to its logical conclusion, there is nowhere any of us can live in America since we stole this land from the Native Americans. Personally, that’s why I’m moving to Africa. Where no one is racist and everyone is nice. Also, zebras!
Lesson for the future, Blake, every time you post a photo on Instagram we don’t need any clever quips which point out that you have a great face and a great ass. Just write, “You’re all uglier than me.”
Because that’s as honest as you can possibly be.
(Hate to brag, but this also means that within the same hour I have told Netflix how to make billions of dollars via buying UFC and WWE and saved Blake Lively from the Internet. It’s impossible to find someone with better Internet range than me. I’m the Steph Curry of writing on the Internet. I may get elected President of NOW by dinner. Now if only my wife would sleep with me.)