Early in my online writing career a reader sent me a claim from televangelist Pat Robertson — that he could leg press 2000 pounds. It was an absurd claim that Robertson was using to help sell his age-defying protein shake. When called on it Robertson posted a video of himself leg pressing much less than 2000 pounds. And threatened to sue CBS for defamation.
Since then Robertson has continued to toss out outlandish claims and predictions one after the other. Nuclear attack, tsunamis, the end of the world, you name it. Pat Robertson is truly crazy. I mean this is the guy who said one of the reasons New Orleans got hit by Hurricane Katrina was because of its godless lifestyle. Do yourself a favor and read Robertson’s wikipedia page. In particular scroll down to the end of the page, the controversies and predictions section is simply amazing.
Now Robertson is at it again, thrusting himself into the Denver Broncos decision to replace Tim Tebow with Peyton Manning by saying “OK, so Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback. And in my opinion, it would serve them right.”
Ah, yes, of course it would.
The scary thing about Pat Robertson isn’t that he exists — religious wackos have and will always exist — it’s that he has actual followers.
Who are these people who listen to Pat Robertson?
And why is Pat Robertson’s God always so angry at people?
Plagues that Pat Robertson believes will befall the Broncos now that they have signed Peyton Manning and traded Tim Tebow:
1. A Plague of Gayness
Men will be fornicating with other men in the streets!
Plus, gayness will become airborne in the Mile High City.
When it was pointed out to Robertson that Denver was not on the coast, Robertson nodded and replied, “God spared them because of prayer.”
3. Bibles will turn in to Korans.
And the Korans will explode when they are opened.
And the explosions will make people gay.
4. Nuclear assault.
North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un has become quite the Tim Tebow fan. And if there’s one thing that Kim Jong-Un doesn’t like — aside from being a chubby short man presiding over a country where millions are dying of famine — it’s Tim Tebow being disrespected.
A nuclear North Korea spells the end of Denver.
5. Barack Obama will be reelected president.
The horror, the horror!
6. There will be abortions on every street corner in Denver.
If you struggle to comprehend how this would be possible, that’s Satan controlling your mind.
All Bronco fans, not content with merely being Bronco fans, will have sex with horses.
If you think most people don’t want to sleep with horses, Pat Robertson disagrees.
8. Those watching Tim Tebow on television in New York will turn to salt.
And then the salt will be used as by the devil on his margaritas.
And when the devil is drunk he will urinate on Denver and the city will flood.
9. The Oakland Raiders, the Devil’s favorite team, will win the division.
And Sebastian Janikowski will steal every wife in Denver and make them his Mile High harem.
10. Frogs will fall from the heavens and cover all the land.
The only thing worse than frogs falling from the heavens?
Gay frogs falling from the heavens.
Which these will be.