The Pac 12 released a new video that answers the question, what would a football sizzle video about the Pac 12 sound like if it also doubled as bad William Faulkner. You must watch this video to see that Colorado is described as a “progressive powerhouse” that “stands shoulder to shoulder with the Rocky Mountains.” What does that even mean? Seriously. Meanwhile, Utah is “a panoramic heartbeat of this nation’s 45th state” that is “undeniably prolific.” If this is a subtle shot at multiple marriages and plural marriage compounds in Utah, well played. Otherwise, what the hell do these introductions mean?
Colorado and Utah “where the game of football is in their blood.”
Really? In their blood? Because when I think of blood in relation to these two states I think of Colorado’s blood as being filled with hallucinogenic substances and Utah’s blood as being caffeine free.
But maybe that’s just me. If you want to see the most oversold video in college sports history, and I know you do, click through to here. As a bonus we added all the overwrought language in a tally at the end. Basically, if you were trying to satirize the Pac 12 this is the video you would produce. And then the Pac 12 went and did it.
Let’s count the SAT vocabularly words and phrases that don’t actually mean anything, shall we? Okay, I’ve done it. Here are my nine favorite parts.
1. “cultural phenomenon”
As cultural phenomenons of the west go, football ranks somewhere beneath “poetry slams” and “Transformers 3.”
So not very high.
As opposed to the other people who play football and compromise? “No, here you go, old chap, take the ball and score. We’ll be having tea over here.” (Actually that’s a rejected Big East marketing slogan, I think).
3. “relentless narrative crystallized”
If they’d had a picture of the Oregon Trail here, I’d be okay with this phrase.
That or the Donner party feeding on one another. Blown opportunity.
Those were relentless.
4. “rhythmic drum beats of differentiation”
If you had to pick five words to use in a video that would satirize the Pac 12, I’m not sure you could pick five better words than these.
Clearly Pac12 rivals move to a “rhythmless cacophony of sameness.”
Yep, kids, you’re a “rhythmless cacophany of sameness!” is the new — Scoreboard!
5. “procession of field marshals”
Easy there Herr Larry Scott.
You’re one step away from answering questions about Erwin Rommel on D-Day. Ask Derek Dooley how that went.
6. “inexplicable blends of agility and electricity”
Image this phrase conjures up for me: Benjamin Franklin breakdancing while flying his kite in the midst of a lightning storm.
7. “command a belligerent antithesis unlike anything we’ve seen before”
Who commands the peace-loving thesis?
Because I’m going to take the belligerent antithesis side in this one. The “peace-loving thesis” team doesn’t stand a chance!
8. “an avant garde redesign of the competitive balance”
A simpler way to say this would be…divisions.
9. “This is more than the beginning it is more than the ending, it is the quintessential profile of what a modern conference can be.”
If it’s more than the beginning and more than the ending, isn’t that just the middle?
Effectively the stirring conclusion you’ve chosen for this video then is:
“This is the middle.”
Well played, Pac 12. Somewhere William Faulkner’s ghost just took another shot of whiskey. And down in Oxford they just found their winner for this year’s Faux Faulkner contest.