Outkicking your coverage… It’s kind of a big deal around this website if you hadn’t noticed. When Clay asked the old Deadly Hippos to help him come up with a name for this website, we all kept coming back to this one.
“It’s a triple entendre,” we exclaimed… a true rarity.
“The website name will be too long,” said medical malpractic attorney Chris Tardio, the Debbie Downer of the group.
“I love punters!” DJ typed with glee.
But deep down we all knew what it was really about. All men know what it’s really about. It’s about chicks. It’s about landing a girl who is so much hotter than you, you begin to question if she’s legally blind, not right in the head, or just a habitual drunk.
Look at Clay as an example. Who would have ever imagined that such an awkward looking bearded man, whose greatest skill is figuring out how to get under other people’s skin, could land a Tennessee Titans cheerleader?
I myself have been a habitual “outkicker.” When co-workers see pictures of my girlfriend, the most common feedback is along the lines of “She’s your girlfriend? Wow. How’d did you pull that one off?” Once after I left college, I introduced an ex-girlfriend to my old college coach after a Colorado basketball game. His response… “THIS is your girl Josh? Well… you always were an over-achiever.”
Nothing boosts your self-image quite like people being shocked that the woman in your life would actually date you. It’s kind of like they’re saying “…. but you’re ugly. Why would she go out with you?”
The way I figure it, there are three possible answers to this question:
1. You are rich. Stupid money.
It’s the easiest way to outkick your coverage fellas. Women may think this makes me shallow, but look at Hugh Hefner.
2. You have a talent that isn’t physical or noticeable in your appearance.
Some chicks are really turned on by smart guys, or funny dudes, or powerful guys, or guys who are in a band. Axl Rose got tons of hot ass back in his day and he’s ugly as Nancy Grace. Ironically, this phenomenon doesn’t hold water when you switch genders. Guys don’t care how powerful you are, ladies.
3. I don’t know how to put this one delicately… let’s just say that you rock the Magnum’s when you need them.
I’m pretty sure you know what I’m getting at.
That said, I couldn’t be more excited for this competition. I love seeing guys who have outkicked their coverage. I feel like it gives the world hope. Like President Obama did for those brief few months before he was elected… Like anything is possible.
In honor of OKTC’s outkick competition I thought I’d look back at some of the most famous examples people outkicking their coverage. Enjoy and feel free to add any I may have left out.
Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez –
Marc Anthony is not an attractive man. Whenever I see pictures of him I feel like he has lyme disease. I’m not even 100% sure what that disease is, I just feel like he probably has it. Not only did this guy land Jennifer Lopez., but he landed her when she was J-Lo, when she was at her absolute apex. Back when she had an ass that could launch a thousand rap videos.
Strong work for a skinny, pale, latino dude with lyme disease.
Especially when you consider that J. Lo. is taller than him too.
Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts –
I’m not a big fan of Julia Roberts myself, but Lyle Lovett looks like he was puked out of a Tim Burton movie. Plus he landed Julia Roberts in the early 90’s, back when she was at her prime. To put that into football perspective, it’s like Tim Tebow signing with New Mexico St. out of high school.
Seal and Heidi Klumm-
Okay, Seal is one ugly dude, right? He’s married to Heidi Klum now and they have three kids. Hopefully they look like her.
But, get this, Heidi Klum’s first baby daddy? This guy Flavio Briatore.
This is Briatore with his new wife, Elisabetta Gregoraci.
But here he is back when he and Klum were a couple.
He might be the all-time outkick winner. Somebody beat him.
Mila gives us the only possible explanation for how this happened.