For the past three years we’ve broken out drinking games for big sporting events here at Outkick the Coverage. But we’ve never done one for soccer before. Of course, Outkick didn’t exist four years ago, so we didn’t have the chance to make a drinking game in the last World Cup.
This time we do. And all of you can play along by using the hashtag #outkick to keep up with your drinks or ensure that you are not drinking alone. Given that nothing else is going on today just about all of you will be watching the US play Portugal somewhere later this afternoon. In fact, this could become the most watched soccer game in the history of our country. (The record right now is 24.3 million people who watched the 2010 World Cup final.) It’s guaranteed that today’s game will be the most watched event on ESPN since the BCS title game.
So here are 16 rules that are guaranteed to make the game better, win, lose or draw:
1. Whenever the group G standings are shown, drink.
When the phrase, “win and you’re in,” is uttered, drink until the count of ten.
(Incidentally “the Group G standings” sounds like a complicated sexual maneuver that seems like a great idea when you are horny, but will, inevitably, leave you unable to make eye contact with your sexual partner in the morning).
2. Every time it’s mentioned that Jurgen Klinsmann is from Germany, drink.
We get it, Klinsmann is from Germany. Every single person in the entire country, even my mom, knows that Klinsmann is from Germany. You don’t have to tell us this again.
But, alas, they will.
Drink each time it happens.
3. Ian Darke is basically Michael Jordan right now.
That means he can do no wrong. And if he does there are still people whopraise him for it. “Oh, look, Ian Darke just accused a player who was knocked unconscious of faking it.” (If Gus Johnson had done this, he would have been burned at the social media stake).
But Darke can be forgiven all trespasses because he has a British accent and the soundtrack of American soccer has to be accompanied by a British man. Seriously, I’m not sure what he could say that would make people get upset. Every time Ian Darke says something in his delectable British accent and you think, “By God, I love this splendid man,” drink.
4. When the weather in Manaus is mentioned, drink.
Take additional drinks anytime the words, “Amazon,” “humidity,” “fitness,” or the size of the insects are mentioned.
5. Each time Jozy Altidore’s injury is shown or mentioned, drink.
If Altidore’s injury is shown in slow-motion, you must drink for twenty-three seconds to honor the twenty-third minute when he was injured against Ghana.
6. Cristiano Ronaldo is a beautiful man.
Every time you see him on television and think. “Damn, that’s a beautiful man,” drink. (Note, it does not matter if you are male or female. All of us can agree he’s beautiful.)
7. If anyone claims that Cristiano Ronaldo is not, in fact, beautiful, he or she must do a shot for lying.
(And it cannot be a shot of Fireball.)
8. Whenever Pepe’s red card is shown on replay or or the health of any Portuguese player is mentioned, drink.
Good luck with this one.
9. Goalie Tim Howard is basically a bald Jesus.
Every time he makes a save, drink.
10. Unless you played college level soccer or attended more than one USMNT team game in person this year, you are not allowed to debate strategy or criticize substitution patterns.
Any violation of this rule and you must finish your beer.
11. Clint Dempsey is from Texas.
Despite the fact that there are nearly 27 million people from Texas, this fact is evidently remarkable. (Fun fact, Texas by itself has over twice the population of all of Portugal).
Drink every time Dempsey being from Texas is mentioned.
If the fact that Dempsey is from Texas is mentioned while a replay of his broken nose is shown, finish your beer.
12. Every time a goal is scored, do a shot regardless of which team is scoring.
If the US scores, after your shot — American liquors only — scream “America, f=== yeah,” and then thrust your hips suggestively.
13. When a player takes a dive or fakes an injury, drink until the player stands and returns to action.
If medical staff breaks out the spray can to treat an injury and it “works”, you must finish your beer.
14. Landon Donovan is not on the team, every time he’s mentioned, drink.
If someone says, “We need to put Donovan in this game,” you may banish this person from watching the rest of the game.
15. Every time the importance of Michael Bradley’s role for the American team is referenced, you must drink.
Michael Bradley is the most important American since Thomas Jefferson. This is not debatable.
16. At halftime pass out notecards to answer this question, but don’t read this question until halftime.
“What continent is Portugal on?”
Everyone has to write out their answer. Anyone who answers incorrectly has to read their answer and then stand and shotgun a beer.
If no one in your party gets the answer correct, congratulations, you are the realest Americans possible.
Remember you can play along with other people — who despite the social power of the World Cup may also be drinking alone — by hashtagging your Tweets #outkick