I know it’s on a Monday and all you poor bastards on the east coast will be up until midnight, but is that really an excuse not to drink during a sporting event?
Of course not.
You can be really mature like me and drink by yourself after your kids go to bed.
1. I don’t know if you guys are aware, but Kentucky lost on Saturday.
Every time the Wildcats are mentioned, drink.
2. Duke is going for its fifth title under Coach K., whenever this is mentioned or Coach K’s tenure at Duke is discussed, drink.
By the way, if you just want to get incredibly drunk, drink every time the camera catches K. ridiculing an official.
3. Wisconsin hasn’t won a basketball title since 1941, whenever this is mentioned, drink.
If they show Frank Kaminsky doing this dance, do a shot.
God, I love him.
4. If Wisconsin has five white guys on the floor at the same time, drink.
This is an historical moment since it hasn’t happened in a title game since before integration.
5. Every time you notice Coach K’s creepy lack of grey hair, drink.
Look, Coach K. is seventy years old. At some point you have to give up the charade that your hair is still totally black.
6. Jahlil Okafor has big hands.
Every time his big hands are mentioned, drink.
If you start off thinking about Okafor’s hands and then end up thinking about Okafor’s penis, do a shot. (Don’t worry, it’s not just you. I promise.)
7. Anytime Bill Raftery comments about Frank Kaminsky’s footwork, drink.
If it’s combined with the fact that Kaminsky didn’t play his first two years at Wisconsin, do a shot.
8. Whenever Aaron Rodgers is shown in the crowd, drink.
If he’s with Olivia Munn, you are obligated to pause the DVR and remark to everyone in the room with you — even if you’re drinking alone like me — “That kid’s going to have some fine DNA.”
9. Did you know the Masters is this week?
Every time Jim Nantz reads the Masters promos in his creepy Masters voice, you have to drink for the duration of the promo.
10. Justice Winslow is the most praised player in the tournament this year.
Whenever Justice is praised, drink.
If anything negative is ever said about him, well, this rule is unnecessary.
11. Whenever a Wisconsin player is described using a white athlete cliche, drink.
Key words to be aware of are “gutty” “gritty” “coach’s son” “so fundamentally sound” “great at dictating pace” “deceptively quick,” and “great student of the game.”
12. Grayson Allen.
Just drink every time this motherfucker scores.
There is no more Duke name in the history of Duke than Grayson Allen. Yes, even Christian Laettner.
13. Sam Dekker is a badass on the basketball court.
Drink whenever Sam Dekker is a badass.
Oh, and this is his girlfriend.
I guess she’s okay if you’re into hot college-aged blondes.
14. Did we mention that Kentucky lost?
Just drink for this because the world is a good place.