Hello friends….The day is finally here, is JoJo going to find true love or not? Ar all the guys here for the right reasons? Not sure about you guys but I can’t wait to hear Chris Harrison’s smooth and sultry voice tell me this is the most dramatic season in Bachelorette History. Okay, lets get serious, I’m due for seeing some people ruin their occupational careers by getting drunk on TV and doing things that makes me want to drink too.
I was so pumped for this season, and then they released the “contestants.” I’m pretty sure they all shared the same deep v-neck tee for their headshots. Yes, I called them contestants because this is a game show, and if you win, you get to quit your job and ride out club appearance salaries. What a time to be alive!
I honestly don’t know how into this for love JoJo is….and frankly I don’t give a shit either way. As soon as I heard Jordan Rodgers was going to be a contestant….game over. Cancel the season; he’s the champ.
But MLC, how do you know Mr. Former SEC QB who has already been a guest on Clay’s Outkick Show is going to win? Umm because I have a brain. JoJo LOVES the athlete lifestyle. She’s always frolicking around the metroplex with Chandler Parsons, etc. She was made for this. Maybe she’s not getting the best athlete, but she’s still getting one that’s super connected. Smart girl. Think Josh Murray and Andi “you should absolute not spend money on her new book” Dorfman 2.0.
Honestly, that aside, it doesn’t matter because ABC gave her a group of absolute clowns. I don’t remember a roster this bad on this show, ever. These bios were painful to get through and it would take entirely too long to preview each of them, so I was faced with a dilemma about how to make sure my people were adequately prepared for tonight.
Drinking Game, DUH. Not all heroes wear capes.
One drink if the following happens….
A guy gets out of the limo and his occupation is bartending, which really means “I don’t have my shit together and I’m not here for the right reasons.”
Homeboy hops out of the limo and you immediately say, “Do you even lift, bro?”
Anytime it is discussed that this is the most dramatic and shocking season in show history with things we’ve never seen before.
The words “wife, love, soulmate, unlovable, Ben, here for the right reasons, wife material, journey, and process” are mentioned.
JoJo’s brothers are discussed
JoJo looks uncomfortable during somebody’s introduction.
Two drinks if the following happens….
ABC airs a sob story montage that’s not really sad…..example: Ben telling us about being unlovable.
When you get one of the THREE contestants named James mixed up.
Somebody already getting drunk before limo intros are done? Drink.
Did you know that JoJo’s future husband is in this very room?
Somebody has a job description that is not an actual job.
The guy brings JoJo a gift or makes her kiss him.
Three drinks if….
Somebody from a previous season shows up.
Did you know Jordan is Aaron Rodger’s little brother? Discount Double Check while drinking.
Man tears!!! (If you cry on the bachelorette night one, you should be forced to do a Shame walk, GOT style.)
Somebody interrupts one-on-one time.
Somebody is black out and getting real sloppy.
Finish ALL of the drinks…
If Chris Harrison decides to finally become a contestant this season.
May your wine flow like beer, and your hearts be grateful that you are not on tv looking for love! As always, there will be live tweeting @MattieLouOKTC and a recap up every Tuesday.