The most common complaint about Outkick in 2014 — aside from why I’m gay or racist or sexist or homophobic or conservative or liberal or Muslim — was why didn’t you have more drinking games? The easy answer was 2014 was really busy. I just ran out of time.
So we’re going to start off 2015 with a way for y’all to drink with your Internet friends. Here’s Outkick’s college football drinking game for Alabama-Ohio State. You can play along with the hashtag #outkick during the game on Twitter.
1. Whenever Lane Kiffin is shown on the sideline, drink.
No assistant coach in America has ever received more television air time than Kiffin, it’s uncanny. Each time he’s shown on the sideline, drink.
2. When highlights are shown from any past Nick Saban-Urban Meyer coached games, drink.
If the number of titles both men have is mentioned, drink for six full seconds.
3. When Tim Tebow is mentioned or shown, drink.
It’s impossible for a game featuring Urban Meyer and an SEC team not to mention Tim Tebow. Do a shot if Johnny Manziel, who has absolutely no connection to either team, is mentioned.
4. When the camera shows Alabama fans, you have to immediately identify them as members of the 85% or 15%.
If you’re in a group, the last person to call out an answer has to stand and drink alone. If you are drinking alone this is simpler, drink every time you believe a member of the 85% is shown on television.
5. Every time Braxton Miller or JT Barrett are mentioned or shown during the broadcast, drink.
This might be enough to get you drunk by itself.
6. Ohio State was the final team selected for the playoff over TCU and Baylor, when this controversy is discussed, drink.
When TCU’s destruction of Ole Miss is mentioned, drink anew.
7. Did you know Blake Sims is a fifth year senior and this is his first year starting at quarterback?
Drink every time this is mentioned. If the phrase, “what a great story,” is included while discussing Sims, drink anew.
8. When Kiffin throws up his arms for a touchdown before the score, drink until the touchdown celebration is over.
If Kiffin throws up his hands for a touchdown and Alabama doesn’t score, do a shot.
9. Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin are the real housewives of the SEC, when they bicker on the sideline, drink.
It counts as bickering when the camera captures Saban with an icy stare directed at Kiffin.
10. When Urban Meyer’s health issues or the changes he has made in his life are mentioned, drink.
If he is shown on a golf cart eating cold pizza, finish your beer.
11. When Nick Saban stares into the camera — and directly into your soul — during his pre-game, half-time or post-game interview, drink.
This will be terrifying. I’m just warning you in advance.
12. Jim Harbaugh has not yet coached a college football game at Michigan and the Wolverines aren’t involved in this game at all, when he’s mentioned drink.
The over/under on Harbaugh mentions is five.
13. Whenever Cardale Jones is referred to as a third string quarterback, drink.
I don’t know that the term “third string quarterback” has ever been connected more to a single player.
14. When Ohio State’s team speed is mentioned, drink.
When Todd Blackledge inevitably says that Meyer has “upgraded the team’s speed,” or “built an SEC team in the Big Ten” finish your drink.
15. When Alabama misses a field goal, drink.
Alabama should become the first team in college football history to abandon all field goals. If Bama misses a field goal and Saban Darth Vader chokes his kicker, finish all the beers in your house because Nick Saban is the Emperor and our lives are over.
16. Ohio State is 0-9 all time in bowl games against the SEC. (The Arkansas game win was vacated with sanctions).
When it becomes 0-10 and Buckeye fans start to cry in the stands, finish your drinks.
Happy New Year to all of you from Outkick. Thanks for making 2014 our best year yet and be safe tonight and tomorrow.