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Seriously, what are the odds that a guy named Clay Travis lives in Nashville and isn’t a country singer? Slim, I’d guess. He makes us laugh and he pisses us off. He makes us think, but best of all, he makes us read (we need that in the South). It’s time to analyze this polarizing figure of redneck idolatry. It was begged that somebody write a post about hating or loving Clay, and I thought I’d just knock out both.
Ten reasons seems a bit overkill for whether or not to like somebody, so I whittled it down to five each: five reasons to love and five reasons to hate. We’ll start with the positive.
Why we love him
1. The Beard
I must say, the beard envy I have for this guy grows by the day. I’ve heard that it actually impregnates women by sight (twins if you touch it). I lay awake at night (crying), asking God why I can’t have the face mane that Clay has. Mine is more of the Joe Dirt style, where it grows in all by itself, all white trashy with gaping holes. Clay’s beard with such style, sheen and volume, is a national treasure. It should be treated as such. So, if you think a lady is expecting, first ask if she is pregnant (they love that). If she is, ask if she knows who the father is. If she doesn’t, either she is a skank and should re-evaluate her life, or you might have a direct beard-descendent on your hands. Seriously, you guys, it’s like the Father Abraham of beards, and it has many sons.
2. Entertainment Value
Clay keeps us from doing our actual jobs. I’m not sure what good this does for productivity in the workplace or for the GDP of the South, but we damn sure enjoy it. Don’t act like Gina in accounting hasn’t caught you perusing Katherine Webb or any of Johnny Football’s floozies while you scramble for ctrl-alt-del. Just think, you would actually have to do work if Clay didn’t exist. And work sucks. It’s much more fun to find out which Disney princess would be the best slay-piece. Who would you rather get sexed by: Ariel or Rapunzel? That is a question I need the answer to, and Clay helps me find that answer.
Beard Getting it Done is the obvious one. Bama Bangs, Bingo Wings, and Gruver are all terms that I have used more than once. I’m sure I’m forgetting some, but if you’re like me, these have made there way into your normal conversations. And each of these Clayisms make you seem smarter and funnier than you really are. Thanks Clay!
4. Dick Jokes
Take a look at the manifesto. It clearly encourages dick jokes. Any place where I can freely make comments about dicks, that’s where I’m going to hang out.
5. He Introduced Us to Dee Dee Bonner
More like Dee Dee Boner, am I right? She is the gold standard of hot football moms. I can’t express to you how much I love that original picture of her in the red dress. Once you are able to block out the slutty lady with the red face and the other lady that looks like your middle school math teacher, it is pretty clear who the Beyonce is in that Destiny’s Child. God bless you Clay Travis for giving us Dee Dee Bonner.
Why we hate him
1. Grammar Nazi
Screw up a your/you’re or a there/their/they’re, and your ass is gonna hear about it. The guy probably sifts through his Twitter mentions hunting for run-on sentences. He finds unending amusement in pointing out how stupid southerners are (and they are). If this site were a movie, the tagline would be “Your Gay.”
2. He’s a Gay Muslim
The South is probably the worst place to be gay or muslim. Clay is allegedly both. That doesn’t fly when your audience is made up of the biggest necks in the country.
3. He’s a Realist
First of all, Clay is a fan, just like you and me. The difference is that he isn’t an ignorant homer. One of my favorite things he does is crush the souls of fans by telling them their football program is not as awesome as they think. For example, he recently ranked the best SEC jobs. Arkansas fans got pissed when they saw the rankings. Every unbiased fan outside of the armpit that is the state of Arkansas knew that this list was very accurate. Lesson: if you feel he disrespects your program in any way, just tell him “your gay” and move on. That’s usually how people handle it. If I’ve learned anything from Clay Travis, it’s that a homer fan’s ignorance knows no bounds.
4. He’s More Educated Than You
I’m speaking to 99.9% of you. I’m sure there’s one rocket scientist somewhere that reads OKTC on a regular basis. Other than that guy, Clay’s got the rest of us beat. I am one of the lucky ones. I’m not very smart, but I do have a degree that I got after only seven (7!) years of hard work (cheating). I’m guessing that puts me in the about the 80th percentile among readers at OKTC. Clay has a freaking law degree from Vanderbilt. That’s like Harvard for rednecks. So, whether you’re a “laughing stalk” or an “escape goat,” always remember that there’s a reason he makes fun of you: because he’s all schooled up and you never finished the 13th grade.
5. He Has the Life You Want
Let’s see: highly educated, rocket wife, and gets paid to write and talk about sports (and dick jokes). Add that all up and the scoreboard says: Clay 1, Everyone Else 0. Hate the bastard all you want, but you will never touch that. Oh, and the beard. The beard is the tits. Be jealous of it.
There it is. Hate him, love him. Whatever. Just keep reading. And, for the record, my favorite Disney slay-piece is Rapunzel. I would get mad kinky with that mane.
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