Open Letter: Why Nick Saban Will Never Leave Alabama

As rumors of Nick Saban to the Cleveland Browns continue to swirl, Alabama fans are starting to get a bit nervous. As cocky as the Crimson Tide fan base is, these were their four most recent head coaches before Nick Saban: Mike DuBose, Dennis Franchione, Mike Price, and Mike Shula.  

So would the Tide really be able to hire anyone near Nick Saban’s ability level if Saban left for the Cleveland Browns? That seems doubtful.

Tha’s why we were excited to receive the following open letter from an Alabama fan explaining why Nick Saban will never leave the Crimson Tide.

By Cody Stump

Dear gaywad’s,

Nick Saben is never going to leave Alabama because there are only two jobs in the world better than Bama’s head football coach. 

1. Manager of the Hooters in Gulf Shores. 

2. Furnace bartender

Last I checked the coach of the Cleveland Browns wasn’t the Hooters manager in Gulf Shores or the Furnace bartender.

This mean Saben won’t leave.

Why would anyone go live in Cleveland? It’s in Illinoise. Who wants to live in Illinoise? I’ll tell you that commie, pinko Barack Hussien Obama.

That’s who!

Nick Saben isn’t socialism!

He’s not going to live in Illinoise.

The only person who thinks that Nick Saban might leave is that gaywad Clay Travis. He likes men! My buddy Randy says, “Clay Travis is a homo sapien. Homo! Homo! Homo!”

I’m not sure what a sapien is, but I bet it’s so gay even Auburn people won’t touch it.

And Auburn people have sex with cows all the time.

You know what an Auburn fan calls a cow?


Because their moms are cows.

That they have sex with all the time.

In 1986 I had sex with a live person. I paid her $28.60 and she wore a Bear Bryant houndstooth hat that I gave her.

I asked her to keep saying, “I ain’t never been nothin’ but a winner,” over and over again and she told me was I was actually the biggest loser that had ever paid her for sex.

I told her, I’m no laughing stalk!

At the end I cried and asked her if she had Golden Flake and R.C. Colas. She didn’t.

Roll Tide, y’all.

Yep, I’m a lady killer.

Combined me and Nick Saben have slept with two women. (One of them was for free!)

It’s hard to be humble when you have 79 national titles. Here are the years that Alabama won the national title in football.

Hold on, I have to take my shirt off and look at my tattoo in the mirror.

“1102, 9002,” wait, Nine thousand and two is like two-hundred years in the future. My bad!.

Hold up, “1862, 1863, 1864, a lot more numbers, 2011!”


You know who is so jealous of Alabama? LS-Who, Ole Piss, UCheaT, West Georgia cow college, and Notre Lame. 

Notre Lame!

We’re going to kill you Notre Lame!

Nick Saben is going to take your rosary beads and say, “Pray to me instead because I’m the real Touchdown Jesis!”

If Jesis was a football coach his name would be Saben. 

Think about it, both five letters. 



You think that happens by accident?

No way, no how, sir.

That’s God smiling on Alabama. With his son in a white polo on the sideline. 

Your a moron if you think you’re football coach is going to be Saben. 

When Nick Saben dies and goes to heaven God is going to say, “Roll Tide, y’all!” Then he’s going to say, “How did you give up a 24 point lead to Auburn at home?” And then he’s going to say, “Why did people think you were going to Illinoise! No one wants to be in Illinoise!”

See, even God knows it!

Plus, the NFL is so much worse than Alabama.

If Alabama was in the NFL we’d have sixty-three straight Super Bowls.

Because you know what the the NFL stands for: No Football Like Alabama’s.

Which is why Nick Saben is not going to Illinoise Gaywads! 

Your gay,

Cody Stump

(Pic via @chriscraig23 on Twitter)

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.


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