Ole Miss Frat Guy Bites Head off Hamster on Spring Break, Leaves School
As rough as your spring break might have been -- don't worry, penicillin will fix it -- at least you didn't bite the head off a hamster, get kicked out of your frat, and have to withdraw from school after the video went viral and PETA declared war on your ass.
That all happened to an Ole Miss student.
And, no, it wasn't Marshall Henderson.
Here's the video that Daily Mail posted of the Ole Miss frat guy going all Ozzy Osborne on the hamster. FYI, it's video of a guy biting the head off a hamster so don't click if you are squeamish. And if you do click and then you get squeamish don't blame me because you clicked. Blame the Daily Mail, those bastards actually have a video advertisement running in front of the hamster beheading. I mean, that's straight gangsta. Somewhere an online advertiser is going to look at all of the plays their ad got and think, "I told you we had to get into digital ads! Look at these interaction rates!" Congrats, your ad was playing in front of a hamster beheading.
In the most Mississippi move of all, of course this kid is also the step-son of Mississippi's last democratic gubernatorial candidate. The Democrat! I can totally see the step-son of the Republican biting the head off a hamster, but the Democrat? The party of the downtrodden and powerless? This is just so Mississippi.
By the way, can you imagine getting that phone call? Just when you think you've finally got everything worked out, he's off to college and he's going to be fine, the phone rings and someone says, "Video of your son biting the head off a hamster has just gone viral."
Which is yet another lesson for all of you college kids out there, if you're going to bite the heads off hamsters on spring break you can't post the videos online.
People will judge you.
Also, did you really need to feed the hamster vodka and hotbox his cage before you bit his head off? Good Lord, I don't even like hamsters and this seems excessive. That's like giving eye papercuts to the guy you're about to give a lethal injection to.
I don't like hamsters for a simple reason, when I was nine years old we had a pet hamster and she had babies and then our hamster proceeded to EAT ALL HER HAMSTER BABIES.
The mom ate her babies!
Imagine the emotional wreck my sister and I were when one day you have all these cute hamster babies wriggling around and then you get home from school the next day to see your hamster with half a baby hanging out of its mouth.
Eventually the mom ate fifteen babies.
The lesson? Hamsters are cruel.
But not so cruel that they deserve to have their heads bitten off on spring break.
Hotty toddy, y'all.