In “Dixieland Delight” I wrote that no matter which SEC team you root for 15% of your fan base fulfills every stereotype. They failed the GED three times, are drunk on Coors Light by ten every morning, dropped out of school at 14 and commenced popping out children to help fill their trailer home shortly therefater, and now spend their free time killing the trees of rivals.
When I showed my wife this photo last night she said, quite simply: “Are these people real?”
It’s the same reaction she had the one and only time she heard Paul Finebaum’s radio show as we drove through Birmingham.
Yes, they’re real.
As I looked at this photo it occurred to me, we absolutely have to start a collection of awkward fan photos at OKTC.
Think of it as the yin to the yang of all the men we’re rewarding for outkicking their coverage.
As part of each of these photos that y’all submit I will deconstruct the photo as best I can. (Note: the deconstruction is entirely made-up for satire purposes. I’m sure these fans are all future billionaires).
How do I love this photo?
Let me count the ways.
1. The unworn red f-me pumps that are so awesome they have to be centrally framed in this photo.
Ladies, this is how you feel when you get the perfect shoes, right?
If this pregnant woman was arrested for a DUI on the drive home, there is a 100% chance that her mugshot would feature these shoes too.
One on either side of her head.
I don’t know how it would happen, but, trust me, it would.
2. The male Alabama fans awkward crotch in the spine pose.
Has anyone ever chosen to recline in this position in real life?
Pregnant Bama fan: “You know what would be comfortable while we look out at the cow pond, Cody? If you put your groin up against my pregnant spine. Yeah, like that. It’s so natural!”
3. Was the baby conceived while she was wearing the houndstooth hat?
I like to think so.
Of course this raises an intriguing question, was he pretending he was sleeping with Bear Bryant instead?
I like to think so.
When he was crying afterward and whispered, “I’ve always been a winner, too, Bear,” his girlfriend pretended not to hear.
4. This is a cow pasture pond, not a lake.
I’m picturing the photographer chasing away a cow just before this picture was taken.
“Aww hell, Bessie got in the picture frame again.” Photographer stands and waves arms wildly, “Move, Bessie, move. You’re gonna ruin the photo.”
5. The dirt.
Was there really no part of the cow pasture pond that had grass?
Was that too much to ask?
6. There is no wedding ring.
Moving right along.
7. He’s wearing the Alabama coaches’ polo.
Because his “Got 13” t-shirt was dirty, that’s why.
8. The fact that there is a houndstooth jacket in the pregnant woman’s size.
I’m going to assume that these jackets are wildly popular with pregnant women in Alabama.
Because once the baby is born, two years later the baby can wear it to visit daddy in jail.
9. My wife read this and said, “No, no, no, the fact that there is a midriff houndstooth jacket like this at all is the issue.”
“And the fact that she saw it and thought, ‘This is the perfect maternity wear makes that perfect.'”
10. The undisguised sneering trash talk face on the male baby daddy.
You can almost hear him saying, “Yeah, what? You wish you had a pregnant teenager posing with you beside a cow pond on a pile of dirt. Scoreboard!”
11. There are three different types of houndstooth in this picture.
If you’re thinking, “Wait, I thought there was only one type of houndstooth,” you’re a fool.
Clearly there are at least three different types of houndstooth.
12. The jeans are torn at the knee and this appears integral to the photo.
Otherwise, why lift the knee to make the torn jeans even more noticeable?
On the other hand, perhaps she had to tear the jeans to even bend her knee in this manner.
13. Thinking about what the baby will be named is astoundingly entertaining.
Post your suggestions on the message board below.
14. There is a 100% chance that this guy has thought, “Clay Travis is soooo gay,” and giggled about how funny that thought is.
There is an 80% chance that at some point he’s emailed me and said, “Your gay.”
15. Hat. On.
Because without the Alabama fan hat on his head, we might think he’s a Kentucky fan, right?
16. Is that an Alabama sports bra?
God, I hope so.
17. Who is taking the photo?
It’s gotta be her mom, right?
And secretly the mom is taking the photo so she can introduce it as evidence when he tries to get out of child support payments.
(I feel confident that if the mom’s photo was taken she is also wearing the same mid-riff bearing houndstooth jacket).