OKTC'€™s Bachelorette Recap, Episode One

What if I told you Mark Richt sent a player on a Quest for Love? Would it ease your concerns about his qualifications as a coach? ESPN proudly presents, 30 for 30: The Road to the Final Rose. Serious question, if Josh M. pulls this out for the win, are we claiming an SEC title or a National Championship?

Debate.

While we don’t have to hear “esss ohhkay” every ten words this season, we are going to be hearing “really” and “like” too often. I’ve yet to decide which one is worse. This season will be about QUESTioning everyone’s sexuality. Also, Andi could “be engaged by summer,” like  every girl over the age of 25 who has been in a relationship for six months.

Let’s talk about the “men” (I just have a really hard time calling them men, but whatever). There’s 25 of these jabronis, so I’ll just run through each of their horribly uncomfortable  out of the limo introductions, where Andi tells each one that she’s a hugger. Fun fact: nobody is actually a hugger. They just don’t have anything to say to you. If you’re a hugger stop. Stop it right now.  

That was forty three minutes of my life I’m not getting back. They move in through the front door, except for Anal with an M. He goes through the back. Sorry, had to. Andi asks every single one of them where all they’ve traveled. If I wanted to know where their parents let them study abroad when they were in college I would Facebook stalk them. I don’t care and I guarantee they don’t remember most of their trips anyway.

Once inside, Josh M. steals her away first for some one on one time. He subtly drops the mom card and earns major bonus points. If I dated athletes, he would be my type too Andi. I get it. He’s entirely too good at playing this game and I’m still laughing. I hope you all get to experience knowing someone on the Bachelor series one day. Andi thinks her type “may change.” LOL. It doesn’t change, you just pick slightly different versions within the same type. No girl’s “type” has ever done a complete 180. Ever.

Marquel brings cookies, probably left over from last Saturday night when he watched Netflix. She’s been dieting since she was cast. SHE DOESN’T WANT COOKIES.

First Impression Rose goes to Nick V. and now he has a target on his back. Look Nick, she only gave it to you because you come from a family of 10 children and were probably never given adequate attention.

Chris is a farmer, and he’s my favorite. Corn and soybeans. He’s a fourth generation farmer, so at least we know he knows what he’s doing. Andi proceeds to tell him that she loves that kind of life, living out in the country, which is why she currently lives in the largest city in the south.

Marcus rambles on about being well traveled and European-raised and Andi tell him that he’s worldly. Worldly is the polite word we used for the slutty girls who came through rush. That’s fun.

1 Party Crasher: Chris B. shows up demanding to get inside the house and try and get on the show since his fifteen minutes are quickly fading. He brings roses with him and claims to have been in LA for SEVEN days waiting for this night. Andi decides she doesn’t want to let him on but Chris Harrison still takes the roses he brought. It wasn’t a dozen roses, so I’m assuming he ate some of them for sustenance on his seven day journey.  

1 Bromance: Andrew and Patrick, night one. They both love cars… nuts, screws, bolts. Catch my drift?

3 Gifts for Andi: JJ the Pantsapreneur brings her pants made out of the fabric he made his first pair out of. They are heinous, but bless his heart. Nick V. brings a putting green and all I can think about is how I’m missing Top Golf Atlanta’s grand opening party. Tassel starts talking in French and of ALL of the things he could have said, he chooses, “I would like a juice with ice.” Wedding Coordinator, y’all. Bradley serenades her, but I don’t consider that a gift.

6 cuts. See ya never Jason, Rudie, Josh B., Mike, Steven, and Anal with an M (Emil).