OKTC’€™s Bachelorette Recap, Episode One

What if I told you Mark Richt sent a player on a Quest for Love? Would it ease your concerns about his qualifications as a coach? ESPN proudly presents, 30 for 30: The Road to the Final Rose. Serious question, if Josh M. pulls this out for the win, are we claiming an SEC title or a National Championship?

Debate.

While we don’t have to hear “esss ohhkay” every ten words this season, we are going to be hearing “really” and “like” too often. I’ve yet to decide which one is worse. This season will be about QUESTioning everyone’s sexuality. Also, Andi could “be engaged by summer,” like  every girl over the age of 25 who has been in a relationship for six months.

Let’s talk about the “men” (I just have a really hard time calling them men, but whatever). There’s 25 of these jabronis, so I’ll just run through each of their horribly uncomfortable  out of the limo introductions, where Andi tells each one that she’s a hugger. Fun fact: nobody is actually a hugger. They just don’t have anything to say to you. If you’re a hugger stop. Stop it right now.  

1. Marcus: She’s a HUGGER. He’s nervous. He’s shaking. He has “a lot to give.” Honestly, what does that even mean? Like affection? Money? Sheer volume of hair gel? Enlighten me, please.

2. Chris: DIMPLES…swoon. Midwestern values, straight to the point, genuine, no gimmicks or nonsense, he’s so great…seriously. So great that I would consider living in Iowa.

3. JJ: The PANTSAPRENEUR. He wears a bow tie and introduces us to the concept of a “Love QUEST.” JJ is a lot more nervous than I expected and comes off as a big goober. He tells her to “have a good one.” Like he forgot they’re both going to the same place.

4. Marquel: Queue the Pastel Gingham Dress Shirt Parade…seriously. He’s here “to compliment her,” and then calls her ma’am like she’s his mom. VOMIT.

5. Tasos: He will now be known as Tassel… that fits his sexuality more. He has ice in his ear lobes and is a wedding coordinator. WTF is a wedding coordinator? Is that one step above or below planner? Does it really matter what he says to her? BUT WAIT, he brings her a “lover’s lock” and does the whole lock the lock, throw away the key charade like on Lover’s Bridge in Paris. So we now know he’s seen every episode of the Kardashian, because if Scott Disick can come up with something this cliché, so can a wedding coordinator who’s secretly pissed he wasn’t on The Bachelor with JuanPobs.  

6. Cody: Homeboy “pushes” the limo up the driveway to show off his “guns.” He’s a personal trainer, because of course. He also isn’t wearing a dress shirt but a cotton v-neck under his suit, and he’s orange.

7. Steven: Black dress shirts are THE WORST, but Steven takes it up another notch and adds a vest, sans jacket. His hair exemplifies “bama bangs” gone wrong, like a 7th grade boy missing his Abercrombie hat. They swap “stoked” and “y’alls” and I pour more wine.

8. Rudie: Nothing drives me more insane than unique name spelling. He’s a lawyer and thinks he should speak in legal jargon. Dude, she’s on the Bachelorette. Clearly her career isn’t that big of a priority.

9. Carl: Doesn’t look quite as moronic as he does in his T-shirt Sweatshirt Hoodie cast pic. His name is Carl though. He brings Andi a glorified compass.

10. Jason: The DOCTOR who looks like a Ken doll with a bad blonde bob and a pink silk tie. He diagnoses her with a fever for “looking hot,” and the awkward music chimes in.

11. Nick V.: He’s starting out strong. Let the countdown to implosion begin.

12. Dylan: Chris Kattan called; he wants his hair back. Dylan forgets everything he was going to say, naturally.

13. Patrick: Hands down the most attractive one there. He has a soccer ball though so I’m having nightmares of JuanPobs…but then Patrick acknowledges this. Swoon.

14. Emil: HE WINS LIMO INTRODUCTIONS. FOREVER. “I’m Emil, it’s like ANAL with an M.” Yes, he said that and all I can think of is horribly inappropriate hashtags.

15. Brett: He is a hairdresser so either he’s (1) a terrible hairdresser and he’s straight, or (2) he’s gay and a great hairdresser. There’s no such thing as a good, straight, male hairdresser. And since he’s wearing a bow tie, he’s #2. He STOLE a lamp from the hotel to give to her. Let the #ILoveLamp commence on Twitter. I mean warm and fuzzy, butterflies all over. He’s here for the right reasons because he stole the gift he brought for introductions. MARRIAGE MATERIAL, ANDI. Lock him down.

16. Craig: He brings a bottle of champagne and sprays it everywhere, and HE IS A HUGGER. Also, not straight, nope, no way.

17. Ron: I can already tell he’s a lurker. Another purple pastel gingham shirt.

18. Bradley: He looks like the Bradley-est Brad I have ever seen. He’s wearing all black and is an opera singer. So once again no way he’s straight. Bradley looks like a young Joe Scarborough, which is fine, but then he opens his mouth. Sorry, Joe.

19. Josh B.: This kid just sucks, even his BLUE gingham dress shirt sucks. It’s beyond fitting that he’s a telemarketer who calls and drives you insane.

20. Nick V.: Claims to be a pro golfer…I haven’t looked him up yet, but I don’t really care to because there’s no way he’s decent with this facial hair situation he’s got going.

21. Brian: He’s just so precious and sweet. Love him.

22. Andrew: White and blue gingham.

23. Mike: He’s a bartender with horrific long-ish blonde hair. He goes by “Camps” and wants to “act” out if they were just meeting on the street.

24. Eric: Ughhhh….so hot, so sweet, perfect out of limo intro, breaks my heart.

25. Josh M.: He nails it. Fun fact: I know Josh. The first time we met I told him he was a total Florida douche, because I’m a nice lady. Fast forward four years, we have mutual friends and run into each other frequently and Josh is one of the nicest people I know. Do I think he could reel in the hair gel usage? Duh. Other than that he’s pretty great. He’s going to go far. Book it.

That was forty three minutes of my life I’m not getting back. They move in through the front door, except for Anal with an M. He goes through the back. Sorry, had to. Andi asks every single one of them where all they’ve traveled. If I wanted to know where their parents let them study abroad when they were in college I would Facebook stalk them. I don’t care and I guarantee they don’t remember most of their trips anyway.

Once inside, Josh M. steals her away first for some one on one time. He subtly drops the mom card and earns major bonus points. If I dated athletes, he would be my type too Andi. I get it. He’s entirely too good at playing this game and I’m still laughing. I hope you all get to experience knowing someone on the Bachelor series one day. Andi thinks her type “may change.” LOL. It doesn’t change, you just pick slightly different versions within the same type. No girl’s “type” has ever done a complete 180. Ever.

Marquel brings cookies, probably left over from last Saturday night when he watched Netflix. She’s been dieting since she was cast. SHE DOESN’T WANT COOKIES.

First Impression Rose goes to Nick V. and now he has a target on his back. Look Nick, she only gave it to you because you come from a family of 10 children and were probably never given adequate attention.

Chris is a farmer, and he’s my favorite. Corn and soybeans. He’s a fourth generation farmer, so at least we know he knows what he’s doing. Andi proceeds to tell him that she loves that kind of life, living out in the country, which is why she currently lives in the largest city in the south.

Marcus rambles on about being well traveled and European-raised and Andi tell him that he’s worldly. Worldly is the polite word we used for the slutty girls who came through rush. That’s fun.

1 Party Crasher: Chris B. shows up demanding to get inside the house and try and get on the show since his fifteen minutes are quickly fading. He brings roses with him and claims to have been in LA for SEVEN days waiting for this night. Andi decides she doesn’t want to let him on but Chris Harrison still takes the roses he brought. It wasn’t a dozen roses, so I’m assuming he ate some of them for sustenance on his seven day journey.  

1 Bromance: Andrew and Patrick, night one. They both love cars… nuts, screws, bolts. Catch my drift?

3 Gifts for Andi: JJ the Pantsapreneur brings her pants made out of the fabric he made his first pair out of. They are heinous, but bless his heart. Nick V. brings a putting green and all I can think about is how I’m missing Top Golf Atlanta’s grand opening party. Tassel starts talking in French and of ALL of the things he could have said, he chooses, “I would like a juice with ice.” Wedding Coordinator, y’all. Bradley serenades her, but I don’t consider that a gift.

6 cuts. See ya never Jason, Rudie, Josh B., Mike, Steven, and Anal with an M (Emil).