OKTC Road Trip: TAMU in Title Town

I got to go “home” this weekend to Tuscaloosa. One of the most shocking things about this road trip is how I’ve managed to actually be somewhat neutral. While obviously I wanted Alabama to win this weekend, a little part of my heart broke when we beat A&M the way we did. Weird, I know. Anyway, it was another weekend for the books. The 85% was so well behaved that I’m worried if we lose to Auburn we’ll be seeing some Harvey-esque behavior. It’s concerning.

Update: TexAgs managed to find some 85% activity and sent this to me, now I want to go crawl in a hole. Thanks, drunk college kid who doesn’t know when to stop talking.

THURSDAY

I was in College Station. Yes, I was on Texas A&M’s campus 5 days last week. Two weeks ago, I hated the place. Now? When can I go back? TexAgs asked me to recap the previous weekend and do a preview for the coming weekend on their show. It was a lot of fun as always. Was this inconvenient? Of course but there was a chance I was flying private out of Houston, since there’s this virus they think they have contained around DFW where I live… you may have heard of it. If you think I was getting on a plane at the same airport where they are transporting these poor people, you also probably think Jameis Winston is innocent.

After finding out I was not in fact getting to fly private, I hit the road with “Twitter famous” Alabama troll Hunter Johnson, who was blocked by Clay on Wednesday. We are friends from school. While on the longest drive of my life, being tortured with one indie song after another, I had to do a phone interview. With Phyllis. Yes, as in Phyllis from Mulga. I’m going to save that for another article though, because it’s too good not to.

FRIDAY

Friday I had a million and a half things to do, which is probably goodsince all of my friends have real jobs and can’t do anything during work hours on a Friday. Whatever. I headed to Birmingham to South Boutique to pick up my outfit for that night. I was playing hostess to the TexAgs crew and seeing as my water bill was $3.17 this month there’s no laundry getting done in the DFW. South has some of my favorite brands, mainly Show Me Your MuMu, who I wear constantly. After picking out something just funky enough that I didn’t feel like I was trying too hard, it was off to meet the TexAgs crew for dinner at my favorite place, FIVE. If you’ve never been to FIVE, you must go. They are in Tuscaloosa, Birmingham, Athens, Gainesville, and Knoxville. Trust me. Thanks to Cris for getting us in and taking care of us.  

After dinner we went to Innisfree in Birmingham for a little bit, where a few of them were cornered by some Barner alums in their ripped jeans and Hollister tees and got to play 21 questions. The people-watching was fantastic. After a Lionel Richie sing-a-long, round two, it was off to Innisfree Tuscaloosa to go see A-Rod. Yes, as in Alex Rodriguez. Who looked just as creepy in person as he did in this picture. I still do not understand what he was doing in town, especially after being at Alabama vs Arkansas last weekend in Fayetteville, but hey to each their own on how to spend their suspension.

SATURDAY

Game day morning I had my sweet friend Emily Summerville do my hair and make up for the day, because Lionel sing-a-longs, and it needed to go with my favorite Game Day outfit so far this season. Part Two, who dressed me all through college, and some after, did my very sassy leather game day outfit this week. It was a big hit. Thank you Betsy and the ladies at Part Two, love you all!

Once I looked like a functioning member of the 15%, I headed to the quad to meet the TexAgs crew at their tailgate. Leave it to the people from Texas to bring their own Texas liquor to their catered tailgate. Texas Forever, and stuff. I took Billy to the Alpha Chi house to see the new massive house across from the stadium, take pictures, and get lunch. There were also these 85% gems. At what point in your life do you think it is a good idea to wear this out of the house?

Back at the quad I went to some tailgates I normally go to and took pictures. My mother told me when I went to Alabama that all of the girls are beautiful. This is still true, except I’m glad to see we’ve all cut down on the hot roller usage… although Billy did kindly tell me that I had “Alabama girl hair,” and Hunter told me it “looked like I brushed my hair today.” So Roll Tide?

After that I headed to my favorite pre-game spot, the G-Spot, or Gallette’s. Sometimes you just need a Yellow Hammer, and it’s much easier to see all of your friends in one place then to try and coordinate multiple tailgates. Gallette’s is legendary and Jeff and his crew took care of us the whole weekend. Thank you! Things were getting weird before the game, which is odd for a 2:30pm kickoff, but we decided it’s because nobody knows which Alabama team you’re going to get these days, so prepare for the worst, etc.

Since my alma mater denied my media credential when they saw that I write for Clay Travis, I got to go to the game with everyone’s favorite former Alabama basketball player, John Dill. The positive thing about not being on the field is that you get to roam around and say hey to a bunch of people. The game, however, was like a terrible movie for A&M fans, one to which Kenyan Drake brought snacks.

After the game it was back to the G for almost 9 hours, where things got real weird, real fast. I’m still kind of concerned for the kid who did the worm at 7:15pm on the floor of Gallette’s. If you’re out there, let me know that you didn’t contract Ebola. While everyone was extremely excited that the Tide “is back,” I’m going to play Debbie Downer and say I’m not sure. We are terrible on the road, and we still have to go to LSU. I don’t know what to think of us. Overall, it was a great trip home and I loved getting to play tour guide.  If you find any 85% action I missed, send it my way on Twitter @MattieLouOKTC

One thing we did learn this weekend, the Bear wants Auburn to go to hell….

Next week, I’m staying at home to see my favorite coach who looks like a celebrity. Yup, going to see my main man Kliffy K as his Red Raiders take on the Horny Toads. It’s Texas Tech vs. TCU week. Let’s get funky Fort Worth.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.