Clay Travis
Videos by OutKick
By Cippy Wallace
Sup brown bears, for the hometown dates and fantasy nights, ABC decided we all haven’t been tortured enough and felt it was necessary to give us FOUR HOURS over TWO DAYS of “It’s AMAZING, it’s GREAT, I’m opening up my heart, WATER and Ess-Ohhkay.”
(We also got to spend some quality time talking with Jason Fox and his partner in crime Finch Machine working on JF’s Bachelor campaign. Ladies, to give you an idea of how great they are think of them as a hybrid of Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, George Clooney and Brad Pitt, but better. After the finale next week, which we will be watching together in Fort Worth, we are going to introduce you them in all of their glory. Seriously, it’s easily going to make up for this terrible season.)
On to the recap..
Night one gave us the most boring Hometown Hoedown episode in Bachelor history and confirmed everything we were already assuming. Juan Pablo’s shining moment was the walk from the house to the SUV to leave each hometown where he could avoid talking and make out with them instead. Sadly, no water make outs this episode…shocking, I know.
Night two was the FAHNTAHSSEE SUITES night in St.Lucia, or shacking as the rest of the world calls it. JP lets us know that there are a lot of coasts on the ISLAND of St. Lucia, so let’s add an understanding of geography to the list of things he brings to the table. Just thinking about the amount of germs contracted and shared during three back to back to back nights of not talking all night is enough to make you want to go take a shower. Sick. Eskimo Sistas! Nikki is still clearly going to win, Clare is as easy as a jersey chaser at the NFL combine, and Andi finally said everything we wanted someone to tell JP but didn’t know when to stop and now I believe she is a CrAzY gIrL.
**This is where you should all start playing the game Jason Fox introduced me to. When JuanyPabs starts talking to one of the girls, start counting down from 10 until he makes out with them. JuanyP has yet to make it to zero…told ya JF was a gem**
Let’s dive into each girl’s swim in the Bachelor pool of love…because WATER.
Nikki: Oh Nikki. She’s from Kansas City and decided to put away the boob tape in the hopes of conveying some Midwestern values. Nice try Trina. Apparently since she is from the Midwest she likes Cowboys, which clearly JuanyPabs the Venezuelan baby daddy is. They go to a GAS STATION BBQ restaurant where JP has to ask what BBQ is. After telling us 52 times that gas station BBQ is the most AMAZING thing he has ever put in his mouth besides a woman’s tongue, they ride a mechanical bull. Nikki’s reasoning for this was that he made her dance in Korea so she’s now going to get on a mechanical bull and seductively be whipped around. Midwestern values y’all! They look ridiculous and then decide to ride it together, which turns out exactly how you would expect.
After this they eat again at Nikki’s parents’ house where her brothers and sister-in-law avoid the cameras at all cost and say a total of zero words. Nikki lets us know that she wants to tell JP that she “loves him” but doesn’t know when the right time is or why she hasn’t yet. Going out on a limb here, but perhaps it’s because YOU DON’T ACTUALLY LOVE HIM? Nikki’s family plays the part well of trying to act like they support their daughter, but you know as soon as the cameras were gone they were like, you cannot be serious about this clown. JP has a lovely awkward moment when he tells Nikki’s dad that everything with her is “easy” and she is just “easy”…
Accordingly, Nikki later accepts the key to the FAHNTAHSEE SUITE. I’m 100% positive they spent the night staying up talking and that’s it (the need for a sarcasm font has never been greater). Somebody get on that.
At the rose ceremony when J-Pabs tells Clare that Andi went home, we see Nikki show the most emotion she’s shown all season since she and Andi are “basically the same person.” She also demands to know why Andi went home, which… who cares? Nikki is now without a doubt going to win in one week. Nailed it.
Andi: Oh Andi. You took JuanyPabs to our hometown and didn’t take him to such fine establishments as Johnny’s Hideaway or The Pink Pony? Shame on you. They start out at the shooting range where we realize JP is not going to be hired as a sniper anytime soon, or ever. His skills were pathetic. They pretend to frolic around Piedmont Park and it’s awkward. Then they go back to Andi’s parents’ house for dinner. The real star of this episode? Andi’s dad who is the most logical parent this show has seen since the Lowe family. His name is Hy; I’m assuming JP calls him HOLA! Andi notes the look of disapproval on her family members’ faces since apparently she thought they would be over the moon that their extremely smart assistant DA daughter has brought home this goon and thinks she’s “in love.” JP asks Andi’s dad if he would accept him into their family if he proposed… HOLA-Daddy says something along the lines of “we’ll reevaluate that when you aren’t dating three other women.” For the win.
Andi and JP’s OVERNIGHH DATE starts out with Andi saying, “I feel like we are in a really good place, even though I could sense the level of concern from my family when we were in my hometown.” Remember, this brainiac prosecutes MURDERERS. Naturally, they head to a waterfall and make out…again. Hola-Daddy is Juan-Probably not very happy right now. During this Andi is tweeting the word “thing” as “thang” and I’m now positive she’s the kind of girl who feels it’s necessary to put her middle name on facebook. They then play soccer on the beach with some local children who Andi is clearly way more enamored with than JuanyP. They go to dinner and she accepts the key to the FAHNTAHSSEE SUITE, because duh… and that’s the last happy moment these two love birds have. Savor it. Andi wakes up and shares with us that she laid there all night waiting for it to be over, since it never crossed her mind that she could get up and WALK OUT. Apparently she saw a side of J-Pabs she didn’t like at all. Ohh tell us more, please I’m begging you.
During her filmed video where they each had to presumably thank JuanyP for his hospitality in the FAHNTAHSSEE SUITES, Andi decides she needs to tell him in person how she feels and walks up what has got to be the world’s longest driveway…so artsy and climactic ABC. All it needed was an Instagram filter…X-Pro II always. And then a miracle happened. Let’s sum it up….
Andi: Like you don’t know anything about how I feel about social issues, religion, politics, or how I want to raise my children. You know nothing about me all you say is “Ess-okay” and “Besitos.”
JuanyP: What’s my religion?
Andi: Catholic.
*Bazinga!!*
Andi: Eww don’t touch my face. Seriously, if I have to hear you say “ess ohhkay” one more time I’m going to die. Like does this even mean anything to you? Do you take any of this seriously? Do you even care about me?
JuanyP: What do you want me to say? I can’t make you love me and if you feel this way then that is how you feel. You barely made it here. If that’s how you feel then that es how you feel. Esss Ohhkay.
Andi: I’m here by default? What makes you think that’s okay to tell a girl?? By default? That hurts me.
JuanyP: I did not say default, I do not know that word. It es not in my vocabulary. I do not know what that word means. I did not say default.
Andi: You said default. Like there is a difference between telling someone how you feel and being an asshole. Seriously do you even care about me? Is this just a huge joke?
JuanyP: What do you want me to say? I can’t change the way you feel.
**Home girl, you should’ve stopped with you don’t know anything about me and thrown up the deuces, but no you decide to start fishing for compliments and trying to bait J-Pabs into begging you to stay. YOU SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU ARE ON THE BACHELOR. Also, accusing him of using the word default? You serious, Clark? He didn’t know what BBQ, frazzled, journaling, odd, cut to the chase, etc. meant. Since you couldn’t stop while you were ahead I am now convinced you are insane and if you and your one piece bathing suits are the new Bachelorette it’s going to be miserable. We get it, you’re a lawyer and have the ability to argue. Gold star for you.**
She then sends herself home and vents to the camera that maybe her standards are too high. You went on the Bachelor; they aren’t. See ya never.
Renee: At this point we just get frustrated because we want her to realize how much better she can do and all that she brings to the table. She turns out to come from an even better family than we could imagine who obviously love her and her son to the moon and back. She takes JP to her son’s baseball game where he awkwardly attempts to chat with the kid and fails miserably. They go back to her family’s house and her family is welcoming of JP and they just want Renee to be happy and with someone who appreciates her. Renee’s mom says it best when they are chatting…you can LOVE your dog too, but you aren’t IN LOVE with your dog. Preach on mama.
We get our wish and Renee does not receive a rose at the end of the Hometown Hoedown episode. J-Pabs, como se dice “ignorant?”…thanks for that Finchster. That is her prize, we wish her all the best, and she will make some guy really happy!
Clare: If this girl doesn’t win she is going to go insane. She is from Sacramento and if you’ve never been there, don’t bother. Clare is the youngest of SIX GIRLS. That many girls in one house is known as a brothel in Auburn, AL. Only one of the sisters has convinced someone to marry her. Sucker. In case you didn’t know CrAzY cLaRe is a hair stylist, and I can only hope her sisters are her clients, in which case the Sacramento hair scene is Stylin’ & Profilin’. It should be noted that Clare does not genetically look like any member of her family, RED FLAG # I’ve lost count. They start by going to a park where Clare talks about her dad again and how he told her to throw a rock in the pond every time she misses him. Sooo did she throw one in the ocean in Vietnam? Serious question. They are greeted by a herd of CrAzY cLaRe’s sisters and “Mommy.” For the record, calling your parents “Mommy” and “Daddy” after the age of 12 screams emotionally unstable. Clare’s Sista-Wives bombard her and then try and physically block her from manipulating “mommy.” Sista-Wife Laura/Lisa (seriously I don’t know her name, but she was wearing Birkenstocks) is a little looney. Clare then proceeds to stomp her feet and throw a tantrum, because Mommy. But Mommy and JP finally get to chat and do so in SPANISH. Mommy lets us know that marriage, religion, and relationships are important in their family, so the Motion In the Ocean/ UTI 2k14 episode should go over really well. JuanPabs finally escapes to make out with Clare on the walk to the SUV and now we know why Clare is the way she is.
If you think there is a remote possibility that Clare turns down a night in the fantasy suite, you probably also think Cam Newton didn’t know his dad was shopping him around. She gets the first OVANIGHHH date. She lets us know that she can’t think of a better situation to fall in love, since every girl wants to meet her husband while he’s dating/sleeping with two other girls. Additionally, she tells us she’s been going back and forth on whether she would spend the night in the FAHNTAHSSEE SUITE…LOLZ.
Clare tells JuanyP after she accepts the key to the FAHNTAHSSEE SUITE that she is loving falling in love with him, he says nothing and makes out with her. Then they get in a hot tub where UTI 2k14 2.0 is without a doubt contracted and Clare wants to know if it’s weird she wants to meet JP’s daughter. She also lets us know she wants to make babies with JP, forgetting that she could already be knocked up with a little rice patty. Biology, y’all. The whole night is AMAZING and WONDERFUL and CrAzY cLaRe is LOVING IT. She gets a rose (probably by default, thanks a lot Andi) which can only mean a meltdown of epic proportions is coming next week. Super pumped.
We will not be recapping the Women Tell All episode but join us next week when we wrap up this shitshow after he final rose ceremony.
