OKTC needs a celebrity endorsement or better yet, a brand ambassador

With Clay’s recent purchase of a few thousand pairs of pants to launch OutkickGear.com, the site’s partnership with Fox Sports, and Clay’s new gig on the Fox Sports 1 college football game day show, it’s fair to surmise (albeit incorrectly) that OKTC has become a worldwide multiplatform, multimedia conglomerate. However, as Clay has made clear over the years, he doesn’t have the looks (or fashion sense) to be the face of such a rapidly growing empire.

Now, I obtained a legitimate degree and thus never took a marketing course, so I don’t know much about that particular subject. But what I do know is that every nationally-recognized product has some sort of spokesperson or endorser. You’ve got JT and Bud Light Platinum, Brett Favre and Wranglers, MJ and Hanes, Beyoncé and Pepsi, everyone and Nike, David Beckham and everything else…the list goes on. Every big brand has a big name.



Using one of the skills I did learn in college, I Wikipedia’d the topic and found just the idea I was looking for: a brand ambassador. So who would be the perfect fit for OKTC? Wikipedia tells me the brand ambassador is meant to embody a company’s identity in “appearance, demeanor, values, and ethics” – so that gives us a set of selection criteria for such a position. With that, our journey begins to find the ideal celebrity to represent Outkick the Coverage.



As I said, I’m not a businessman and my knowledge of advertising is limited to the first four seasons of Mad Men (which, unless there has been a drastic change in storylines, probably won’t be much improved when I’m totally caught up). But what I am is bored as hell waiting on college football season to start up, so here’s my go at selecting the perfect brand ambassador for OKTC. I’m sure I left someone out of the field and made all the wrong picks- not dissimilar to my NCAA bracket every year. If nothing else, this will at least distract you for a half hour at work and maybe even give you something new to argue about that doesn’t involve the NCAA or steroids. 



To make this a fair competition (i.e. not the BCS), I’ve set up a 16 seed tournament organized into 4 “divisions” and broken down all of the matchups in an attempt to determine who deserves the title of OKTC Brand Ambassador. To start, here’s my bracket…







Round of 16



Orlando Shaw vs. Maryland Sorority Girl



Orlando Shaw captured the nation’s hearts with his touching story of love, sex, and a subsequent inability to pay child support. Maryland Sorority Girl touched our souls with a concerned letter to her sorority sisters regarding their well-being and consequently damning them all to hell. In choosing between them, Sorority Girl has a certain linguistic eloquence that Orlando is missing, although we do know that Orlando is good on camera. Now I know Orlando is a little strapped for cash and really needs this gig, but, sadly, I’m sure he’ll be too busy making his reality television show between bouts of unprotected love-making to devote the necessary time to OKTC…keep spreading that seed, Orlando.



Winner: Maryland Sorority Girl



Steeplechase Catfight Girls vs. Buttchugging Frat Boys



This is a battle of two of the top stories in OKTC history. Both almost broke the site, but I really don’t think there would be anyone better to model colorful britches than a pack of SEC fraternity brothers. Conversely, we’ve seen that most of the Steeplechase Catfighters don’t even wear britches. Practice what you preach.



Winner: Buttchugging Frat Boys



Katherine Webb vs. SEC Coaching Wives



Katherine Webb is hot, but here she’s up against an entire stable of pretty ladies along with their newly elected hotness team captain, Mrs. Bielema. While I think there might be something to strength in numbers when it comes to advertising, the Wives’ lineup deteriorates as you move further down the bench. I really think Bob Stoops was right on here: no one wants a top heavy line-up, and SEC Coaching Wives are certainly top-heavy in more ways than one. Before I eliminate them though, let’s get one more look at Mrs. Bielema.







Side Note: There is something about seeing a ‘Mrs.’ in front of a name that really dampens my spirit.



Winner: Katherine Webb



Kate Upton vs. Kliff Kingsbury



Full Disclosure: I just wanted a reason to type “Kate Upton hot” into Google Images. Here you go:







Winner: Kliff Kingsbury 



Johnny Manziel vs. Manning Family



I think this one was already played out in real life. Manziel parties all night and skips camp… Archie and Peyton cover for him to the media. Advantage JFF.



Winner: Johnny Manziel



Marshall Henderson vs. Tim Tebow



This is the equivalent of Jesus vs. the Antichrist or, for the state of Alabama, Jesus vs. President Obama. Ironically, both Obama and Marshall Henderson have dabbled in recreational drugs. Since everything Obama does is heresy in the Deep South, Henderson is now guilty by association. If you’re hated in the South, you simply can’t represent OKTC – Tebow backs into a win.



Winner: Tim Tebow



Bill Clinton vs. Anthony Weiner



Ahhh, a battle of pious politicians. There are so many great aspects to this match-up. We all know about Clay’s man-crush on Bill Clinton, but I see Anthony Weiner as a dark horse in this contest. Clinton’s a busy guy and looks to be aiming at becoming the first First Gentleman (or Man or Husband or Dude…what would he be called?), and judging by the last few weeks of New York’s mayoral campaign, Weiner is going to have some free time on his hands in the near future. Plus, he looks great in colorful pants.







I mean seriously, this guy could sell some pants.



Winner: Anthony Weiner



Uncle Verne vs. Nik Wallenda



I can picture it now… Wallenda’s OKTC pants prominently featured on his next Discovery Channel tight-roping special – great advertising. In fact, this is the only reason he made the top 16. Unfortunately, they fit like mom-jeans.



Winner: Uncle Verne







Quarterfinals



Maryland Sorority Girl vs. Buttchugging Frat Boys



Can you imagine the email she would have sent out if her sorority sisters had been implicated in a buttchugging scandal that became national news?! I get all tingly inside just thinking about it. There would have been at least 10 more life-changing compound curse words to enter into our vernacular. Here’s hoping she one day becomes someone’s boss.



Winner: Maryland Sorority Girl



Katherine Webb vs. Kliff Kingsbury



This is probably the most even matchup in the entire bracket. This is like trying to pick between… I seriously can’t think of two other things that are matched evenly enough to complete this simile. They are both beautiful human beings. With that in mind, my decision is going to come down to who really needs this job and will be dedicated to representing OKTC. Kliff left the SEC (a crime in itself) for his dream job while Webb was on a “celebrity” diving competition.

Enough said.



Winner: Katherine Webb



Johnny Manziel vs. Tim Tebow



Tebow spent all his energy trying to save Marshall Henderson from eternal damnation. He’s simply got nothing left in the spiritual tank to save Manziel from his past sins – of which there are many. 



Winner: Johnny Manziel



Anthony Weiner vs. Uncle Verne



One of my favorite aspects of the new OKTC pants is the emblem under the fly. It’s a great hidden feature.





 

Or at least you think it’s hidden until you’ve got Weiner’s wiener flopped out alongside said emblem in a mirror pic that he DM’d to a hooker in upstate New York that’s now plastered on every website from TMZ to Politico… all publicity is not good publicity.



Winner: Uncle Verne

Semifinals









Maryland Sorority Girl vs. Katherine Webb



Newsflash: I think Maryland sorority girl has finally out-cunt-punted her coverage. DOUBLE F-ING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU TOTALLY ISN’T GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US ANYMORE.



Winner: Katherine Webb



Johnny Manziel vs. Uncle Verne



Good God I’m tired of hearing about Johnny Football.



Winner: Uncle Verne







Finals



If I didn’t set up this stupid contest as bracket, my answer would undoubtedly be to sign both Webb and Uncle Verne up for endorsement deals. They both already have a big following in the SEC. This pair together would be great. You’ve got Uncle Verne making plugs for OKTC in the SEC broadcasts and a supermodel for all of your visual media campaigns… it could be the perfect advertising storm. 



However, in the end there can only be one winner, and I think this is a good place to employ the Wikipedia criteria for a “brand ambassador” I mentioned earlier – appearance, demeanor, values, and ethics.



Mark one up for Webb on appearance – no contest there. However, also based on those looks alone, there’s a 99% chance Webb is a bitch. Uncle Verne seems likes a pretty nice guy, so he takes the second point. And so it comes down to values and ethics, and since I don’t feel like looking up the difference between the two, I’ll just combine them into the single deciding point. 



Unfortunately, I don’t know much of anything about the personal lives of either contestant, but I do know how I want to end this article.







Uncle Verne takes the win in my book, although both the finalists would make great OKTC Ambassadors. So get this guy a contract – and a pair of colorful pants.



Who do y’all think it should be?