Officer Haley Drew Makes Her Debut, Dan Wolken At It Again & 5 Millionth Couple Gets Marriage License

How are we feeling this Monday morning?

My dear readers, I have to tell you it felt absolutely amazing to wake up to my phone alarm Sunday morning at 6:45 and jump out of bed knowing I was going golfing at Pebble Beach and I wouldn’t be sitting at a computer for three hours producing Screencaps.

I’ve said it many times on here and it still stands, I have been graced by the Internet gods with the greatest job in the business. I get to post dogs, Mike T.’s travel dispatches, mowing photos, Instagram models trying to go from the rookie leagues all the way to the $9.99 per month OnlyFans Major Leagues, and I get a paycheck at the end of the month for doing this work.

But that Sunday morning after the Super Bowl without staring at the computer was absolutely amazing. I forgot how few people are out moving around at 7:30 on a Sunday morning. It was just me and the open road up the highway to the golf simulator where my buddy and I battled Pebble Beach.

We set the default to double bogey, gimmes within six feet, and off we went, firing golf balls into the Pacific Ocean in a nondescript strip mall at a very nice operation that has 10 PGA Tour simulators.

It was another shitty round, like usual, but it still felt good to remind my body that here in the very near future, it will be called upon to move rocks and dirt around the yard. It was a great reminder that there is landscaping stone work to be done in the early spring.

The sun shining down on Pebble Beach reminded me that soon I’ll be wearing shorts and flops for months on end. It reminded me of those glorious patio evenings that are coming soon.

I can’t wait.

Weekend observations:

  1. March Madness is going to be actual madness this year if we have coaches punching coaches. While I want to see Juwan Howard fired for taking off his mask — the mask removal thing didn’t even cause the coronabros to blink; think about that — to slap/palm a Wisconsin coach’s head, I also want to see coaches punching coaches more often.
  2. Saturday, I learned that busting out a 40 of Dadweiser at a neighbor’s basment bar will cause a scene amongst the late 40s crowd. It was a Put-In-Bay Two-Club Invitational leftover that I finally drank.
  3. The Daytona 500 was underwhelming. Yes, we know the finishes are always going to be strong, but the rest of the race wasn’t must-see TV. Still, I watch it. And I’ll watch the next several weeks before going back to losing track of the sport.
  4. Saturday night, after the 40 oz. Dadweiser, I made it home and listened to a replay of Tiger talking with Nick Faldo and Jim Nantz at Riviera. I was foggy, but it sure sounded like Tiger is happy with where his life is at. It was refreshing to hear three guys just yucking it up.
  5. It was great to see so many friends this weekend. It was a like one big summer preseason preview weekend. Everyone was happy. People had great conversation topics. I’m officially pumped for 2022, despite the death and despair that social media tries to pump into our brains.

• Ben T. writes:

Joe, pull up a chair and meet BIG George.

####

What a hoss! And let me guess, that Big George thinks he’s a lap dog and needs to have his nose an inch from your face. My nightmare with a unit like George is that he’ll get in the way of the TV remote laser and go into statue mode. I have one that blocks the cable box — yes, I never pulled the plug and now I hear the plug pullers are going back to cable — and it’s like she understands how this remote laser thing works.

• Jeremy M. is back with his third dispatch. This time he addresses the divide in this country between those who have learned to drive a stick shift and those who use fingerprints to open car doors:

In the mid-80s I turned 4.  My birthday was in December, which allowed my folks to enroll me into kindergarten at the local public school.  My parents had no problem getting my bowl cut out of the house for a few hours a day so mom could smoke Virginia Slims, watch Donahue, and take care of my younger sister, all while Dad was making ends meet on an 18 wheeler while sucking down Marlboro reds.  Off I went to the land of finger painting and teachers with hyphenated last names.

I was a bit young for my grade.  This manifested itself in a number of ways, between ‘wow, you’re so smart and so young!’ to ‘sorry kid, you’re just not big enough to make the team’.  Being 15 entering my Junior year of high school, I was too young to have that ultimate ticket of freedom for boys of that age, a driver’s license. 

I did the next best thing, I surrounded myself with folks who had vehicles and the legal means to drive them.

My friend Art had a beat-up Datsun pickup.  I don’t remember the details, other than it had those tiny fold-down seats that would face each other behind the front bench.  The Datsun was a stick shift (I’m not sure if that’s the prevailing terminology throughout the country, but that’s what we called it).  The clutch of this jalopy would not disengage the gears unless you slammed your left foot against the firewall. 

The gears were looser than Biden’s immigration policy.  It was very easy to drive, which is why I eventually ran it into a bush that resulted in the alignment requiring a full left turn on the steering wheel in order to go straight.

My father was quite disappointed when he saddled me up in his manual 97 S10 to teach me how to fly through the gears.  He was fully prepared for the unmistakable smell of his clutch being burned up, but it didn’t happen.  Despite my lying through my teeth regarding it being the first time, he knew I was full of it.  He demanded I give him information on the dude who let me drive his car.  I fessed up years later. 

My older brother and younger sister never bothered learning how to drive a manual.  They had no interest in a stick shift.  To them, they were silly, too much work, and would be obsolete.

These days, my brother dreams of owning a Tesla that can drive itself.  My sister has a car that can unlock the door with a fingerprint.  

I have a 2003 F150 with over 200k miles on it and enough scratches to make the DJ at MTV’s ‘wet ‘n wild summer break’ jealous.  Oh, and my late father gave me his 1967 Mustang 390 because Jeremy M. in Summerville SC can drive a stick.

####

Full disclosure: I can drive a stick shift and owned manuals for well over a decade, including through college where I figured car thieves would be less interested in a manual, if they could drive one at all.

• Rann R. has a dog problem…with his own dog! Can anyone help him with the psychology going on here?

Joe, I am wondering if anyone else in SC Nation has my problem. My dog, Duke, loves to have company. Whenever anyone comes over, he goes apeshit, running from the front door to the garage door, eager to welcome any and all guests!

Except one. When I return home, he does not greet me at the door. He doesn’t even get up from wherever he may be resting. I think he is pissed at me for not taking him with me. Anyone else have this problem? Should I wear a milk one around my neck when I return? Thoughts?

####

Just think of what’s going through the dog’s brain when you leave home on a nice, sunny day without him. I have no doubt he’s dreaming of chasing squirrels, rolling in the dirt, and running with the wind in his face. I just wish these dogs could understand how the workweek thing…works. Hey dogs, we can’t play fetch 14 hours a day. Get a job, dogs!

• Mike in Pasadena has questions about this whole running RVs things and what it all might really mean:

Good stuff as always.  Did you plant an “Easter Egg” in Saturday’s edition? 

You begin with the idea of RV transporting and what a great adventure it could be for you and the Mrs.  Then later down the post,  you show the CBP with an RV full of meth and fentanyl… Foreshadowing perhaps ??  LOL 

Keep grinding. 

• Mark W. writes:

I think she has potential as a future member of the TNML

• Gerard has a bourbon suggestion for the Bourbon Bros® community to consider:

https://horsesoldierbourbon.com/whiskies/reserve/
https://horsesoldierbourbon.com/whiskies/reserve/

Here is a 120 proof bourbon that is really good for the strength nobody usually talks about.   

Some badass Green Berets that went into Afghanistan on horseback shortly after 9/11 started this distillery.   https://horsesoldierbourbon.com/our-story/

Maybe you can bribe your buddy to open that 10 year with a bottle of this. 

Keep up the good work Joe.  Been too busy to check in.  We were rooting for your Bengals!  Wish Clay would’ve sent you to watch the game.  Surely Screencaps accounts for the most clicks on Outkick by  a wide margin!!!!!

####

Thanks for saying it, Gerard. Screencaps, thanks to Elizabeth Hurley, had a very nice weekend, but it was Oscar de la Hoya buying a car for Holly Sonders that won the click battle via a massive surge of Google traffic.

• Here’s the latest report from Mike T. and Cindy T.:

Hola amigo,

One of the things we love about Mazatlan is that it’s a working city, not just a tourist destination like PV, Cabo or Cancun. So, it has a real lived-in city feel to it, along with a holiday vibe.

Once a week or so, we visit the Central Market or Centro Mercado. It’s located in the historic Colonial area of Mazatlan. The city has really fixed the market up over the years. One side sells clothing and tourist trinkets, but the other side is the real deal Mercado. Fruteria, dry goods, beef, chicken, cheese, smoked tuna and Marlin, shrimp, and fresh fish it’s all here and ready for you.

We have our favorite vendors and look forward to seeing them every visit. Old school stuff! Town is filling up already for the Saturday night before carnaval. Better stock up on liquor. Could be a shortage!

• Let’s go out there and have a strong final week of February 2022. The sun is out here in Ohio and it’s going to be in the upper 50s. I might sit on the front porch after work and listen to the birds returning home.

Email: joekinsey@gmail.com

Numbers from :

https://twitter.com/GWR/status/1495425259671015424

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Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.

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