First, it was Joker Phillips. Then Derek Dooley, John L. Smith, and Gene Chizik. It’s time to hire and fire coaches in our beloved SEC. I have recently obtained a copy of the official SEC Coaching Questionnaire that all potential SEC hires must fill out.
Correct answers won’t necessarily guarantee coaching success, but they will let the university know quickly whether you fit in with SEC culture or not.
SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE COACHING VACANCY QUESTIONNAIRE
So you’ve decided to apply for an SEC head football coaching position? Congratulations! We at the Southeastern Conference are excited that you’ve shown interest in one of our openings. However, it is important that you realize coaching in the SEC is not for everyone. Not only will you be harassed on the job by compliance directors, but your daughters will be targeted by rival sorority sisters on campus, strange people will get tattoos of your face in even stranger places, and your house will be “For Sale” after your first three-game losing streak. We have designed this brief questionnaire to test your compatibility with the finest athletic conference in these United States.
(1) NCAA rules allow for the maximum signing of ______ players in one year.
A. 20 B. 25 C. 25 (Wink…wink)
(2) You post season records of 9-3, 11-1, 8-4, 10-2, and 10-2. Your win total is:
A. 48 B. 46 C. Not enough.
(3) Isn’t Coach Cal awesome? YES NO
(UK insists this be included in all questionnaires. Just circle YES, and feel free to run up the score later in the season.)
(4) The B1G is:
A. What all freshman gain
B. The size immediately after L4RGE.
C. A footnote on college football’s historical scrap heap. SUCK IT, COLUMBUS! SUCK IT, ANN ARBOR! SUCK IT! SUCK IT! SUCK IT, YOU IRRELEVANT BASTARDS!
(5) The NCAA is a bunch of damned elitist academics who don’t believe in Jesus Christ, Ford trucks, apple pie, and player compensation. TRUE FALSE
(6) Rank these 3 teams from least liked (3) to most hated (1):
Notre Dame ____ Ohio St. ____ Al Qaeda ____
(7) Which is the funniest Derek Dooley anagram:
A. Eroded Yokel B. Ye Olde Dorke C. Yo, Deer do elk!
(8) The answer to a random question can sometimes give great insight into your psychological motivations. Please pick one Christmas gift you would like to receive this year:
A. The Urban Meyer Moral Compass that perpetually spins
B. An autographed copy of “50 Shades of Grey: Lane Kiffin’s Musings on the NCAA Rule Book”
C. The Bobby Petrino Model Train Set with Pre-Burnt Bridges
D. You guys are so disrespectful to ask me about Christmas before we even celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s insulting to me, to Thanksgiving, AND to Christmas; let alone Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day. I’ve barely eaten my godd*!n candy from Halloween, and you ask me about Christmas. This is why people do not like you guys. (Apologies. I accidentally gave you Nick Saban’s partially completed questionnaire.)
(9) Match each facial expression with its associated SEC coach:
|Nick Saban ____||A. Fury|
|Joker Phillips ____||B. Smirk|
|Steve Spurrier ____||C. Confusion|
|John L. Smith ____||D. Sneer|
|Will Muschamp ____||E. Where the hell did all my money go?|
(10) Clay Travis calls you for an interview. Do you:
A. Take the opportunity to talk about your facility upgrades
B. Pay respect to your upcoming opponent.
C. Politely ask him to call back after he and James Franklin finish their bubble bath.