Now Hiring: A Brief SEC Coaching Vacancy Questionnaire

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First, it was Joker Phillips. Then Derek Dooley, John L. Smith, and Gene Chizik. It’s time to hire and fire coaches in our beloved SEC. I have recently obtained a copy of the official SEC Coaching Questionnaire that all potential SEC hires must fill out.

Correct answers won’t necessarily guarantee coaching success, but they will let the university know quickly whether you fit in with SEC culture or not. 



So you’ve decided to apply for an SEC head football coaching position?  Congratulations!  We at the Southeastern Conference are excited that you’ve shown interest in one of our openings.  However, it is important that you realize coaching in the SEC is not for everyone.  Not only will you be harassed on the job by compliance directors, but your daughters will be targeted by rival sorority sisters on campus, strange people will get tattoos of your face in even stranger places, and your house will be “For Sale” after your first three-game losing streak. We have designed this brief questionnaire to test your compatibility with the finest athletic conference in these United States.


(1) NCAA rules allow for the maximum signing of ______ players in one year.    

A. 20   B.  25   C.  25 (Wink…wink)


(2)  You post season records of 9-3, 11-1, 8-4, 10-2, and 10-2. Your win total is: 

A.  48  B.  46  C.  Not enough. 


(3)  Isn’t Coach Cal awesome?   YES   NO 

(UK insists this be included in all questionnaires. Just circle YES, and feel free to run up the score later in the season.)


(4)  The B1G is: 

A.  What all freshman gain 

B.  The size immediately after L4RGE. 

C.  A footnote on college football’s historical scrap heap.  SUCK IT, COLUMBUS!  SUCK IT, ANN ARBOR!  SUCK IT! SUCK IT! SUCK IT, YOU IRRELEVANT BASTARDS!


(5)  The NCAA is a bunch of damned elitist academics who don’t believe in Jesus Christ, Ford trucks, apple pie, and player compensation.  TRUE     FALSE


(6)  Rank these 3 teams from least liked (3) to most hated (1): 

Notre Dame ____ Ohio St. ____ Al Qaeda ____


(7)  Which is the funniest Derek Dooley anagram: 

A.  Eroded Yokel  B.  Ye Olde Dorke  C.  Yo, Deer do elk!


(8)  The answer to a random question can sometimes give great insight into your psychological motivations.  Please pick one Christmas gift you would like to receive this year:

A. The Urban Meyer Moral Compass that perpetually spins

B.  An autographed copy of “50 Shades of Grey: Lane Kiffin’s Musings on the NCAA Rule Book”

C.  The Bobby Petrino Model Train Set with Pre-Burnt Bridges

D.  You guys are so disrespectful to ask me about Christmas before we even celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s insulting to me, to Thanksgiving, AND to Christmas; let alone Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day.  I’ve barely eaten my godd*!n candy from Halloween, and you ask me about Christmas.  This is why people do not like you guys.  (Apologies. I accidentally gave you Nick Saban’s partially completed questionnaire.)


(9)  Match each facial expression with its associated SEC coach:  

Nick Saban ____ A.  Fury
Joker Phillips ____ B.  Smirk
Steve Spurrier ____ C.  Confusion
John L. Smith ____ D.  Sneer
Will Muschamp ____ E.  Where the hell did all my money go?


(10)  Clay Travis calls you for an interview.  Do you: 

A.  Take the opportunity to talk about your facility upgrades

B.  Pay respect to your upcoming opponent.

C.  Politely ask him to call back after he and James Franklin finish their bubble bath.

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021.

One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines.

Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide.

Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports.

Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.