No Instruments, No Bueno: Why A Cappella Music Is Terrible

When it comes to music, everyone has their preferences. For the most part, I understand how most people could enjoy the vast majority of musical genres and styles even if I’m not a fan myself, but one I can’t understand is a cappella music.

I was at a theme park recently and there was an a cappella group performing. I was nursing a beer (it was not a Bud Light) and listening to the belt out some version of a crappy pop song that was made even crappier by the complete lack of instruments.

Instead of drums or guitars or even a flugelhorn, there were chicks screeching and some dude beatboxing and doing his best Michael Winslow impression underneath average singing.

It was terrible. Just as a cappella always is.

That set me off. I started me complaining about how anyone could enjoy a cappella music until my girlfriend politely asked me to please be quiet and stop making a scene.

At what point did society collectively agree that a cappella was entertaining?

I've always hated it, and don't know anyone who likes it. That said, I hear it way more than I feel is reasonable, which would be never.

Musically speaking it’s awful and from a performance standpoint, it’s uninteresting at best and straight-up irritating.

Who doesn’t love a bunch of people doing a poor rendition of a song you kind of know, while some dude spits and buzzes into a microphone underneath their caterwauling?

A cappella music is a ca-brutal. (Getty Images)

It's Nothing But A Cover Genre And A Lousy One At That

A cappella is a cover genre. Sort of like marching bands. Those who perform it don’t usually write their own tunes. They just rehash good songs into versions that amount to nothing more than a party trick.

“We’re going to perform a Beatles song… without any instruments.

Wooooooooowwwwww… just the way John, Paul, George, and Ringo had intended.

Unlike rock or blues or country or metal or rap, a cappella exists only to take songs from those and other genres and make them considerably less good. Why would you want to listen to Van Halen’s version of “Runnin' With The Devil” when you could listen to a bunch of glee club kids do their rendition sans instruments?

I’ll tell you because the original version is good and the a cappella version is a flaming pile of musical horse manure. With Eddie Van Halen’s legendary guitar work replaced by some Andy Bernard wannabe spitting all over a microphone.

A cappella isn’t even situational music. Like, I don’t really like Jimmy Buffett music, but if either one starts playing while I’m on the beach with an adult beverage and my feet in the sand, I’ll turn into a Parrothead faster than you can say “Fins up.”

There’s is no conceivable time when someone would be like, “Throw on some a cappella music.” It’s not good for working out, it’s not good for background music, and it’s not good for relaxing out back with a beer.

I'd take a hundred hours of Corey Feldman pretending to be Michael Jackson before I listened to a minute of a cappella music. (Photo by Scott Dudelson/Getty Images)

Give Me Feldman Or Imagine Dragons Over A Cappella... Alright, Maybe Not Imagine Dragons

A cappella could be the worst music on the planet, and I say that having seen the video of Corey Feldman performing at a Single A baseball game in State College, Pennsylvania.

I would happily take 100 hours of listening to Corey Feldman’s “Ascension Millenium” than listening to some college a cappella group with a goofy, punny name blurt out three notes of an Imagine Dragons song.

Hell, I’d take 100 hours of Feldman torture over three notes of Imagine Dragon’s version of an Imagine Dragons song.

Having said all of this, I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of the music they like. You listen to whatever you dig and whatever makes you happy.

Just know that a cappella music is trash… although I might still take it over Imagine Dragons.

*Shudders*

Follow on Twitter: @Matt_Reigle