Nipple Manicures Are Now A (Weird) Thing

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Some trends are so bizarre that you have to assume that they were invented to see if anyone would be dumb enough to try them.

Nipple manicures are one of those things,

No, this is not a manicuring of the nipple. Instead, a Russian-based nail salon with locations around the globe wants women to put a set of nips on their fingernails.

This feels on brand for a nation known for guzzling vodka and making bears ride unicycles. A set of 3D knockers complete with pierced nipples, because if we’re going this far why not go all the way right?

I’m sure they offer some options. Different skin colors and areola sizes probably. Maybe you can replace the star nipple rings with like graduation tassels or something.

I’m not sure that anyone who decides to put a pair of boobs on their hands is concerned with practicality, but these things make no sense to me. What if you have to type something or pick something up? You’d have to go up to someone and say, “Hey do me a favor and pick that quarter up for me. Sorry, my nipple rings keep getting in the way.”

This may be nitpicky (nip-picky), but I don’t think most people would realize that those are supposed to be breasts. All the pieces are there but there’s some uncanny valley thing happening. It just looks off… like someone glued some 3D cans to their cuticles.

That’s probably for the best. These would be way freakier if they looked anatomically correct.

I don’t know what’s happening in the nail salon world, but it feels like they’re just showboating. This same nail place has gotten attention before for putting tortilla chips and prawn heads on nails. The only reason to ever do something like that is for attention (although the prawn heads could come in handy while fishing).

I’m not sure what the point of these is either. I have to assume it’s for women to try to blow other women’s minds. I’ve never met another dude who cared that much about a woman’s nails. Cleanliness is one thing, but I’ve never heard a dude say, “Did you see the girl with the little drawings of Jack Skellington on her nails? Daaaaaaaamn.”

Nails are just another thing that is out of control these days. It started with milkshakes garnished with pieces of cake.

The cat was out of the bag at that point. Now here we are, with women walking around with finger nips.

Society no longer has any rules. It’s utter anarchy in the worlds of nail art and milkshakery.

Follow on Twitter: @Matt_Reigle

Written by Matt Reigle

Matt is a University of Central Florida graduate and a long-suffering Philadelphia Flyers fan living in Orlando, Florida. He can usually be heard playing guitar, shoe-horning obscure quotes from The Simpsons into conversations, or giving dissertations to captive audiences on why Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all time.

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