The battle lines have been drawn for Super Bowl LV. Either you're with us or against us. You're either for Jackson Mahomes & Brittany Matthews screaming "LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOO...HOW YOU FEELIN', RED...YOOOUUUUU KNOOOOWWW...AHHHHHHHH...LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOO..." or you're with the civilized world.
Jackson Mahomes is the TikTok dance-video making weirdo younger brother of Patrick, who's sitting on a half-billion-dollar contract with the Chiefs. Brittany Matthews is Patrick's soon-to-be wife and soon-to-be mother of Patrick's baby. Together, Jackson & Brittany combine to create the cringiest (it's in the Urban Dictionary) duos of the 21st century.
Tom Brady must walk out of Raymond James Stadium holding the Super Bowl LV Lombardi Trophy. The sanity of NFL fans from coast to coast depends on it. These two need to be humbled. Their Super Bowl run has to be tripped up on February 7 in Tampa.
"Hey nerd, ignore their content."
I'd love to, but this job requires an examination of the biggest stars in the business. If LeBron's eating a taco, I need to know what type of salsa he's using. If Conor McGregor's renting a yacht, I need to know how many liters of diesel it's burning. If Tom Brady's on a red carpet, I need to know what he's wearing. One minute, I'm scrolling through Brit Brit's IG Story to see what Patrick's up to, the next minute I'm being blasted with "LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOO...AHHHHHHHH...YOUUUUUUU KNOOOOOWWWWW" for no reason.
"Get a real job."
The pay is pretty decent, and Clay's actually a decent boss. He's so busy doing his own thing that he leaves me alone most of the time. This is a pretty good fake job.
"You're a hater. Leave his family alone."
I'm just asking for a little peace and quiet while looking for Mahomes suckin' down Coors Lights.
"Hahahahaha...you're such a loser."
"HOW YOU FEELIN', RED...YOOOUUUUU KNOOOOWWW..."
Well, hopefully, I'm feeling great when Tom Brady wins Super Bowl LV, and Chiefs fans quiet down for several months. Then I hope the Chiefs run into salary cap issues and the franchise has to start releasing parts to get under the cap.
"We ain't goin' nowhere, LOSER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
I figured as much.
Look, it's now up to 43-year-old Tom Brady to unleash his greatness on the Chiefs and humble these two a little bit. It's time for Jackson to cry while pumping out one final TikTok from Tampa. It's time for Brittany to turn 100% of her focus to baby and wedding preparation, not another Super Bowl parade.
Yes, it means Tom Brady will win his SEVENTH Super Bowl ring, but at this point what does one more matter, if it means restoring order to Instagram Story?