Auburn Wipes Out Possibility Of Toilet Paper Returning To Toomer's Corner

Auburn’s long-standing tradition of rolling Toomer’s Corner after a win will be suspended, per an official Auburn press release. The oaks along Samford Park needed to be replanted after Harvey Updyke, who had too much ‘Bama in him, poisoned the trees in 2010. Three years later they were removed, and efforts to replant new trees also stalled when the replacements caught on fire.

The latest iteration of Toomer Corner trees are apparently coming along nicely, but aren’t quite ready for the stress of toilet paper, Auburn officials said.

“The trees have made excellent progress in the growing season of 2021,” Auburn arborist Alex Hedgepath (author’s note: great arborist name) said in the release. “Since then, the trees have pushed new growth with no additional signs of stress. We will be initiating soil enhancement projects to encourage even more root growth in the coming months.”

Auburn fans don’t have to flush the tradition entirely, though. The school has designated a couple magnolias and a white oak in front of neighboring Biggin Hall as temporary rolling targets.

“While we all would like to get back to the traditional rolling of the two Auburn live oaks located on the corner, our position and decisions reflect what is best for the trees,” said Justin Sutton, director of Landscape Services. “The long-term establishment, overall health and projected long life of these new trees is our goal.”

Luckily for all trees involved, the Tigers probably won’t win many games this year. The program will try to meld a new head coach with no SEC experience and a locker room full of players that may or may not fit his system.

Fanduel Sportsbook has the Tigers win total set at (7.5), with the juice heavily leaning under. According to very scientific measurements, that figure comes out to 7500 rolls of Charmin extra soft. Save yourself a trip to Costco and take the under—unless, of course, China whips up another COVID variant for everyone to panic over.