National Signing Day Drinking Game

Honestly, I don't understand why every man, woman and child on planet Earth doesn't love Signing Day.

Take all the things that we enjoy about college football (crazy fans, a bunch of impossible to answer arguments), ramp them up, put them on steroids, and it truly does lead to one of the most glorious days of the year. It's also a day that Twitter and message boards were basically created for.   

In other words, Signing Day is perfect.... but there is one thing that could make it better: Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. After all, if you're going to spend nine consecutive hours in front of your TV, staring into the dreamy eyes of Tom Luginbill and pretending to know about a bunch of 17-year-olds that you hadn't heard of two days ago, you might as well have a little buzz doing it, right?

That's why we've created the official "Outkick the Coverage: Signing Day Drinking Game."

Here are the rules, and enjoy the game.

And remember, if that recruit that you've been praying for decides to commit somewhere else on Signing Day, it's ok. You didn't want him anyway.

Take a drink every time a coach says the phrase, "this class fits all of our needs."

Take a shot if the same coach made the same statement at his last job back in 2011... and then proceeded to get fired eight months later.

Any time a broadcaster mentions that this "is the only day all year anyone uses a fax machine" take a drink.

Yes we get it: No one uses fax machines anymore.

You know what else no one uses in 2016: Jokes that were last funny in 2011.

I know this one brought down the house five years ago, but it's time to put it to rest for good. Ok?

Every time ESPN shows a graphic of Texas trailing Baylor, Texas A&M, TCU and (maybe) Houston in the recruiting rankings, take a drink.

Unless you're a Texas fan. Then immediately run to Twitter and pick fights with anyone who has the audacity to question the state of your program.

Bonus points (and extra drinks for the rest of us) any time you accuse anyone who disagrees with you of being an A&M fan.

Speaking of Houston, did you know that Tom Herman is closing in on the best recruiting class ever for a non-power five school?

Of course you do, it's been mentioned roughly 2,187 times in the past few months. And when it's mentioned for the 2,188th time, take a drink.

Also, every time Tom Herman's gold grill is mentioned, take a swig of your Old English 40.

Then pour one out on the floor for all your homies.

Whenever a broadcaster mentions that "Urban Meyer has totally changed recruiting in the Big Ten" take a drink.

Unless you're an Ohio State fan, in which case it's ok to take another drink, while silently sobbing into your Ezekiel Elliott jersey, and thinking about the National Championship you should have won last year with all those great recruits Meyer signed in 2013 and 2014.

You were gone too soon 'Zeke.

You were gone too soon.

Every time ESPN shows video of Isaiah Crowell holding up a bulldog puppy, take a drink.

That poor puppy is probably living out its final days in some Athens area shelter by now, but that video will live in infamy. At this point, it's basically like the Signing Day version of Christian Laettner's buzzer-beater against Kentucky: it's going to be shown every year, until long after we're all gone.

Every time your coach hammers home the point that, "You really can't evaluate this class for another three or four years" put down your drink, and go to CoachingSearch.com.

That's because whenever your coach says, "You really can't evaluate this class for another three or four years" what he's really trying to say is, "I just signed a bunch of stiffs. Add them in with the stiffs I've signed the last two years and I'm almost certainly going to be looking for a new job by mid-October."

If he's preparing for his departure, you might as well start preparing as well.

Every time your favorite college football writer puts out a PSA on Twitter that says "Stop tweeting at recruits" take a drink.

Look fellow writers, I love you guys. I really do.

But it's 2016. And if your previous 47 tweets haven't stopped the 37-year-old Auburn fan (whose entire self-worth is dictated by how good his football team is, by the way) from tweeting at that hot-shot defensive back from Pahokee, the 48th and 49th tweets this February probably aren't going to be the ones that make him stop.  

So give up being a social justice warrior and accept the facts. There are a lot of creepy, weird guys (and gals) out there who care a little too much about their football teams.

Your tweet isn't changing that.  

Every time Les Miles describes his class by saying "they have a great will to fight" or "they have a toughness about them" take a drink.

Take a shot of bourbon if he describes any recruit as "not having the chest" to play at LSU.

Every time an analyst mentions how Butch Jones has "totally changed the culture at Tennessee" and that "it all starts with recruiting" drink to the count of 11.

Which is one count for every consecutive loss UT has to Florida.

Yes, we get it, Butch Jones is a great recruiter.

But at some point don't all those great recruits have to result in something more than just wins over Missouri and South Carolina?

Every time a coach says, "The kids we signed are great football players, and they're even better young men" take a drink.

Then sprint to the computer, and check the police blotter. It's guaranteed that within two hours of your coach saying this, one of those guys will get popped for a crime that will eventually land him on probation.

Every time a recently-hired coach is described as rejuvenated or reinvigorated at his new school, take a drink.

Take another drink if ESPN then proceeds to interview a sweaty Will Muschamp, who doesn't actually look rejuvenated or reinvigorated at all.

Every time a picture of Mark Richt throwing up "The U" is shown, take a drink.

The one exception to the previous rule is Mark Richt, who really does appear to be rejuvenated since taking the Miami job. And honestly, how could he not be? The poor guy just got fired from a school where nine wins wasn't good enough, and somehow ended up in a place filled with a lifetime of white sand and linen shirts, and where they would, almost literally, kill for a nine-win season.

So throw up "The U" one more time coach.

You deserve it.

Every time Houston Nutt shows up on CBS Sports Net's Signing Day coverage and artfully dodges questions about the recently released Ole Miss sanctions, take a drink.

And if you're an Ole Miss fan, take a shot of the strongest thing you can find.

I mean at this point for Ole Miss fans, Nutt really is like the ex-boyfriend your parents hated and you dated anyway, only to have him suddenly break up with you and later find out that he gave you an STD.

In other words, even years after last dealing with him, the damn guy is still a part of your everyday life. Whether you want him to be or not.

Every time Jim Harbaugh's recruiting tactics are described as "unique" or "quirky," take a drink.

They're not quirky. They're actually genius.

Any time ESPN shows a video of Nick Saban dancing during an in-home visit, take a drink.

Any time he's shown dabbing, do a shot, then turn off the TV.

It's only downhill from there.

Aaron Torres is a contributor to Outkick the Coverage and FOXSports.com. Follow him on Twitter @Aaron_Torres, Facebook or e-mail at mailto:ATorres00@gmail.com