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This morning I had a discussion with Clay about his new fashion line. I also had afternoon crumpets with the Pope, and then jetted on over to England and breastfed the new infant royal baby, whom I affectionately referred to as “Georgie.”
Question: Which two out of the three above statements are too insanely outrageous to believe? Struggling with this question? Yeah, I kind of still am, too. Answer: Since I’m not a huge fan of crumpets (I’m more of an English muffin type of girl), and I’m physically incapable of breastfeeding at this point in my life, the only true statement from above is my finding out that Clay now has his own fashion line.
I will give everyone a moment to digest this news—laugh, cry, drink heavily, whatever you need to do to cope with the idea that Clay Travis will now be designing and creating clothing items that real live human beings will be putting on their bodies and then wearing out in public places.
Of course he is. Because if Clay is anything, it’s clearly a fashionista.
Clay is known for many things, and one of those things is his blatantly terrible fashion sense. This isn’t just my opinion, you can ask any of his family or friends. Or you could simply just look at him. That’s probably the easiest and most direct route to gauge his level of fashion-consciousness. Clay having a fashion line is a little along the lines of Michael Jackson having a children’s amusement park in his backyard: it’s just not right. So, Clay is developing a fashion line—what’s next? Tiger Woods getting certified as a marriage counselor? Chris Christie running a jazzercise studio? Charles Ramsey teaching Public Speaking 101 courses at the local community college? Clay could be setting a terrifying precedence here. We can’t have everyone just running around doing things that go against everything we as upstanding civilians know to be right in this world.
I figured I’d delve a little deeper into Clay’s fashion timeline in order to further reiterate why I’m a tad concerned about this new revelation. A walk down Clay’s fashion memory lane is a scary walk, but I came up with a helpful strategy to get me through this: every time I looked at a photo of Clay, I would go look at a calming, pleasant image to cleanse my pupils—puppies, babies, a shirtless David Beckham, a shirtless David Beckham petting a puppy while holding a baby—then take a deep breath and dive back into my mission. It took a while to do things this way, but I think it was worth it in the long run.
From my several years of knowing Clay, I’ve learned that his actual outfits may vary, but his standard uniform remains the same: shorts (that are always just a little too long), some sort of T-shirt and flip-flops. The key to what he wears on his bottom half is that whatever it is, it CANNOT fit right. It MUST be ill-fitted. Normal length shorts? Not a chance. Jeans that actually fit? Get them out of his sight. These are the fashion rules of a newly minted fashion guru, everyone; I hope you’re taking notes.
When it’s too cold out for shorts, Clay will replace said shorts with his baggy jeans that would rival Nik Wallenda’s taste in denim. When it’s too cold out for flip-flops, Clay will wear flip-flops. You must understand that the flip-flops are clutch in Clay’s uniform game. Clay will wear flip-flops to a nice dinner, a wedding, a funeral, whatever comes his way. There’s a story about Clay where he was once denied access to a night club in a trendy part of Dallas because he was wearing shorts and flip-flops. Did he go back and change? Of course not. He did what any budding fashion icon would do and bribed the bouncer, paying the guy to let him come in as is. He will probably be broadcasting from Fox Sports GameDay in his trusty flip-flops, which is why they will have to permanently position him behind a desk at all times when on-air. And the T-shirt is pretty much non-negotiable as well. A full 99% of the time I’ve seen Clay, he has been wearing a T-shirt. The other 1% is when he was dressing up for a Halloween party. That’s the actual percentage breakdown, folks.
I asked one of Clay’s good friends, Ronald*, to email me a photo that I could use for a piece on Clay’s terrible fashion sense. (*Names have been changed to protect the innocent friends who were so willing to sell Clay out by quickly providing me with images I could use to make fun of him.) Within seven seconds, I had a photo sitting in my inbox. (Clay, you might need to rethink your friends.) Also, it’s interesting to note that the photo Ronald sent me was entitled, “Clay2,” meaning there had to be a “Clay1” somewhere in his files, meaning there were multiple photos showcasing Clay’s questionable fashion sense and therefore a CLEAR struggle for poor Ronald to choose from so many options. Was there maybe even a Clay3? A Clay13? Only Ronald knows.
I did a little research of my own, combined with Ronald’s help. Here we have two prime examples. T-shirt? Check. Shorts? Check. Now the photo cuts it off, but I can assure you those shorts hit RIGHT about mid-calf level and that his toes are just brazenly, unapologetically on full display in his flip-flops, all up in everyone’s face, catching a nice fall breeze. The beard is a permanent accessory to every outfit, and sadly, there’s nothing any of us can do about that. Oh, and left-handed peace sign in the bottom photo? CHECK. Not a fashion faux-pas per say, but definitely worth noting, nonetheless. I could tear into the guys he has chosen to pose with here, but I digress.
Let’s look at this from a different perspective. Maybe Clay will surprise us all. He did land a smokin’ hot wife back in the day with his current fashion sense, so maybe there is hope after all. So, OKTC Nation, I’ll leave you with this admonition: when you make your way to the first game day of the season and look out into the crowd to see a sea of Clay Travis inspired wardrobes, for better or for worse… do not be alarmed. You have all been sufficiently warned.