A Southern politician is only as good as his hair.
And if you’re a male SEC student between the ages of 18-24 who wants to guarantee votes what hairstyle do you rock?
Bama Bangs of course.
That’s why I wasn’t surprised when a tipster pointed OKTC in the direction of Mississippi State student body president Rhett Hobart.
You see, Rhett has the finest Bama Bangs in the SEC.
And he’s a student body president of an SEC school.
You could call this a coincidence — but, hell, you could also call the relationship between the moon and beach tides a coincidence too — plainly, this is no coincidence.
No, this is something more.
SEC men want to have your bangs and women want those bangs to gently caress their foreheads on moonlit strolls on wild Starkville nights.
The only SEC campuses where these bangs don’t guarantee you the presidency?
Florida, because Bama Bangs and hair gel are like matter and anti-matter colliding.
And Texas A&M, where hair like this is forcibly cut after a night spent in the brig. (Seriously, can male students at A&M have Bama Bangs? Does this violate the grooming code? You have to let me know, Aggies.)
Mississippi State may not be able to beat the state of Alabama in football, but it damn sure owns them in one trait.
Meanwhile, if you’re reading this article and thinking, what are Bama Bangs? You clearly aren’t from the South. (This means you clearly didn’t outkick your coverage either. We’re sorry. Your wife looks lovely in her pant suit).
If you were from the South you’d know that every successful Southern politician can be defined thusly: 46% hair, 28% Jesus, 13% love for fried catfish, 7% slippery slope to gayness arguments, 4% ability to appropriately guffaw, 2% cogent policy ideas.
If you have all six of these traits in roughly similar proportions, Democrats don’t even bother fielding a candidate to run against you in statewide elections.
We’ve reached out to Rhett Hobart on Twitter — you can follow him here — to interview him about this hair — we assume he will have a good sense of humor since Southern politicians typically do — and we need to ask whether he’s concerned the student body presidents of Alabama and Auburn might be plotting a coup to overthrow him based on hair jealousy.
“Et tu, Bama Bangs!”
Especially since, as several of you have pointed out, Rhett’s Twitter profile pic of his spectacular Bama Bangs was taken in front of Auburn’s Jordan-Hare stadium.
This is the first instance ever of a man being able to point to the crown of his head and simply intone, “Hairboard.”
No, Auburn men will not take kindly to this at all.
In the meantime, if you’ve ever wondered why it’s glorious to check the OKTC email and Twitter tips, it’s because in between Alabama and Auburn mudslinging sometimes you uncover nuggests so brilliantly golden that for a moment you lose your breath.
This, OKTC readers, is one of those moments.
Behold, the Bama Bangs to which all other Bama Bangs will henceforth be measured.
Bow before your leader.