CNN+ Is Giving You Jemele, Stelter and Rex Chapman All For Only $60

CNN+, CNN’s forthcoming streaming service, proudly announced its official new lineup and schedule today. And it looks like only the all-stars made the cut.

And by “all-stars,” we mean “benchwarmers.”

Beginning March 29, CNN+ will take paying subscribers from 7 am to 8 pm every Monday-Friday. So you can wake up with someone called Kate Bolduan, have a big lunch with Brian Stelter, and -- for the older crowd -- go to bed with Wolf Blitzer.

Here are some of the highlights from the daily lineup:

7:00 am EST: 5 Things with Kate Bolduan 

11:00 am EST: Reliable Sources Daily: 

"From New York to Hollywood to Silicon Valley – CNN's Chief Media Correspondent and Anchor Brian Stelter brings together all the headlines in the media on Reliable Sources Daily. This show is your most reliable source in the quickly evolving world of media, business and entertainment,” CNN promises. 

6:00 pm EST: Who's Talking to Chris Wallace?

7:30 pm EST: The Newscast with Wolf Blitzer

Somehow, CNN is giving you all of this for just $5.99 a month. Stelter and Wallace together is worth at least $7.99, I hear.

But where it gets interesting is with the weekly lineup. The following folks are too valuable and talented to work more than once a week. Take a look:

During the Don Lemon Show, Lemon will pretend he's Oprah in front of a live audience, though it's unclear if the attendees will show up willingly or by force.

Every Monday, CNN+ subscribers will have complete access to Rex Chapman's new show, aptly called Rex Chapman. 

"He brings heart and positivity to conversations with celebrities, athletes and everyday heroes," CNN said of Chapman.

So true. Nothing says “positivity” like eulogizing a man who’s still alive:

CNN+ even has something for sports fans. During weeks in which Cari Champion doesn't storm off the set like she did at ESPN, CNN+ will air Cari & Jemele: Speak.Easy. Jemele, as in Jemele Hill, the online race expert, that is.

We assume Speak.Easy signals the end of Cari & Jemele (Won't) Stick to Sports on Vice TV. Vice may have canceled that show after its first season. Has anyone heard?

And who knows, if HBO cancels Bomani Jones' Race Theory after missing the charts and drawing a 0.01 rating, perhaps Jones could join this moderate cast at some point too? He’d be a natural fit. (By the way, we assume Keith Olbermann is too nutty even for CNN.)

As for network television CNN, nothing will change there. Luckily, Brianna Keilar will still show up each morning, and Jeffrey Toobin will remain on standby to handle the legal analysis.

If you, like me, feel guilty only paying $5.99 a month for this package, CNN also allows you to pay a flat rate of $59.99 for the entire year. They are basically giving the service away.