Luis Suarez Bites Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini

I’m going to go ahead and say what we’re all thinking. Luis Suarez is the Greatest of All Time. The champion of chompers. He’s the best biter by a billion. The master of mastication, the shah of gnaw—he frivolously feasts on foes for fun.

Today against Italy might be his best performance yet. It’s like watching a master at work. Most competitors have to have someone or something pushing them to perform at their best. Jordan did his best work in his clashes with Magic. Tiger did his best work when he had to keep paying for all those women. But Suarez needs nothing.

Today, all it took was an arm raised in his general direction. Suarez saw his moment and he took it. Oh, he took it all right. Like Paula Deen at a butter convention, Suarez saw something he just had to have in his mouth. And have it, he did.

Most to be respected about today’s performance is the way Suarez responded. While most men would have the decency to feign innocence, Suarez responded by holding his teeth as if they were injured. That’s right, he responded to his own egregious assault on Giorgio Chiellini’s shouldular region by feigning injury to his own offending bicuspids. It’s the kind of thing that lesser men don’t even think to try.

In the history of biting, there have been a few standout performers. Marv Albert. The shark from Jaws. Hannibal Lecter.  Mike Tyson has to be in the conversation. But none compare to Suarez, who for the third time in three years is so far ahead of the competition that this isn’t even a discussion. No one has been so dominant for so long. He’s clearly the Michael Jordan of biting.