Lizzo Wants You To Stop Talking About Her Body, Man Shoves Deodorant Up His Rectum, Dishwasher Steaks, Pageant Tantrums & Fast Food Hacks
How are we feeling today, guys?
The Tuesday after a long holiday weekend is always the worst.
You're probably tired. You're definitely hungover. And work is dragging.
Personally, I worked all weekend. And I spent my Memorial Day evening at the gym like a loser.
The highlight of my weekend was Sunday night, when I accidentally made enough bolognese to feed the entire neighborhood.
But for the rest of you, I hope it was a kick ass weekend full of honoring our armed forces, floating on a lake and chowing down at a backyard BBQ.
It's truly the American way.
And now it's time for your Nightcaps — holiday hangover edition.
So clock out for the day, grab yourself some hair of the dog and let's get funky, my friends.
How NOT To Cook A Steak
While we're on the topic of backyard BBQs, let's talk about the preferred cookout meat.
Burgers, hot dogs, brats? Maybe you're like OutKick's own Matt Reigle — a true patriot — and you hit for the cycle with all three.
Or perhaps you went all out and cooked yourself a big, juicy steak or smoked a rack of ribs for Memorial Day.
All of these answers are acceptable as long as you cooked them the correct way: in your backyard, non-Bud Light beer in hand, standing over a hot grill.
Because I'll tell you what self-respecting, red-blooded Americans do not do. We do not cook our food in the dishwasher.
"Did you know that a dishwasher can actually cook your steak better than you can?"
Sir, that cow did not give his life so you could disrespect him like that.
You actually can cook your steak in the dishwasher — as the inside heats up to around 150 degrees during its cycle.
But just because you can does not mean you should. Separate appliances exist for a reason.
This reminds me of the time I saw a fitness influencer teaching how to make salmon in a hotel room coffee pot in order to "eat healthy while traveling."
Stick to selling leggings and diuretic teas, Lindsey. No one is doing that.
But just in case, I have not used a hotel room coffee pot ever since. I saw that "hack" on Instagram years ago, and it scarred me for life. Every time I even look at a hotel room coffee maker, all I can think about is seafood lattes.
And the Keurig ones aren't any better!
This former hotel manager confirmed my fears.
She admitted people run all sorts of liquid through the coffee machines (including milk, which curdles inside the tube), and the housekeepers don't clean them out.
And those refillable shampoo and soap bottles in the shower? Apparently, people fill those with the wrong fluids, too.
She's even seen instances where prankster guests have filled the shampoo bottles with Nair! Imagine paying top-dollar for a resort on your honeymoon and all your hair falls out.
Stay vigilant, friends. Trust no one.
Lizzo wants us to practice 'body neutrality.'
Whenever I see a story like this from CNN, I remember why I choose to work for OutKick.
The best part is the headline: "Body Neutrality: Here's What It Means And How To Get There."
Oh, thank you, CNN. The moral authority we all need to explain to us how to be better humans.
So let's dive in.
Lizzo wants us all to stop talking about people's bodies. Mostly hers.
"I don’t need your positivity or your negativity. I don’t need your comments at all. How about that?" she said.
Lizzo — the person who has built a multi-million dollar brand around celebrating morbid obesity, parading around nearly naked, posting videos of herself jiggling in G-strings and producing a reality TV show called "Watch Out for the Big Grrrls" — wants you to stop noticing her body.
This is one of Lizzo's more modest outfits. (Photo by Jim Dyson/Getty Images)
Look, if you want to have a BMI of 100 and post videos of yourself eating boxes of takeout food, I don't care.
Your impending diabetes is not my problem.
But do not lecture me about "body neutrality" when all you do is shove your very large body in our faces.
And this commentary is not just about fat people.
I've said the same thing about skinny women — like Emily Ratajkowski — who build an entire career out of being hot.
Note to all humans: If you post a picture of yourself wearing a thong, don't expect people to leave comments about your personality.
Pageant Contestant's Husband Is a Sore Loser
Chaos erupted on a stage in Brazil over the weekend at an "LGBTQIAP+ beauty pageant." (Seriously, they just keep on adding more letters.)
An unhinged husband stormed the stage when his wife won second place.
As the 2023 Miss Gay Mato Grosso was about to be crowned, the runner-up's sore loser husband rushed the stage, yanked the tiara away and tossed it across the floor. And just for added effect, he picked it up again and spiked it on the ground — shattering the crown into pieces.
Honestly, I'm not convinced this whole thing wasn't staged.
Under normal circumstances, approximately zero people would be discussing the Miss Gay Mato Grosso pageant on this fine Tuesday afternoon.
But here we are discussing it.
All publicity is good publicity, they say.
Anyway, here's the actually winner — Emannuelly Belini — and she's a dude.
But speaking of sore losers...
Man Shoves a Can of Deodorant In His Rectum
And he's sore for a very different reason.
An Iranian guy had to have emergency surgery to remove a deodorant can from his stomach. He didn't accidentally swallow the anti-perspirant.
He shoved it up his butt.
That's one way to make sure you're smelling fresh for that special someone!
But in all seriousness, I am flabbergasted by how often we see stories like this. At OutKick alone, we have reported on a man who had a bomb stuck up his rectum and another guy who shoved a glass where the sun don't shine.
An apparently, this is a common medical problem.
Anal sexual pleasure by a foreign body — or "FB" in doctor slang — happens all the time in men with "erotic attitudes."
According to the Visual Journal of Emergency Medicine, "the most common FBs are sexual devices, followed by glass bottles, foods and vegetables (such as cucumber), and wooden objects."
Listen, whatever (consensual adult human) things you want to do in the privacy of your own bedroom, that's your business. But if you're inserting glass bottles and cucumbers into your sphincter, it might be time to rethink your life.
Nightcaps is off the rails today. Better pour yourself another.
Best Fast Food Hacks
Yesterday at the gym, I walked into the locker room and watched a woman pull a Popeye's strawberry biscuit out of her bag. She proceeded to chow down on it as a post-workout treat.
I laughed.
"This is why I work out," she said.
And, honestly, I'm with her on that. I don't spend six days a week in the gym so that I can feel healthy or reduce my risk of heart disease or any of the reasons I actually should train.
I do it so I can drink beer and still look good naked.
Still, I don't really eat fast food.
But I knew Popeye's had a strawberry biscuit because of this video.
If you don't follow Jordan on TikTok, I highly recommend you start doing that. I've learned more from him than I ever did in college.
A strawberry biscuit breakfast sandwich. Brilliant.
Which reminds me of another TikTok video, where a woman makes a delicious sandwich using McDonald's hash browns and an Oreo McFlurry.
And that — drum roll — brings me to my Nightcaps question of the week!
What is the fast food hack that changed your life?
Was it when you discovered you could dip Wendy's french fries into a chocolate Frosty? Or is there another magical trick that isn't so common?
Head over to Twitter and let me know. I might actually go try the strawberry biscuit thing — unless y'all can turn me onto something even better.
OK, party people, I gotta run. But catch me back on Nightcaps Thursday and Friday this week.
Our dear friend Zach Dean is on vacation, but I'll try to make him proud.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.